Updated Every Friday

The Last Update

2012-01-16T17:36:00.002-05:00

As you may have noticed, in the last year or so I haven't given this space the attention I used to. The reason is quite simple: once I started freelance writing regularly during the week, finding the motivation on Friday to put together something of my own got increasingly difficult (in retrospect, Friday was not the best choice of days) and it became more like "Updated Every Saturday Afternoon" or "Updated Every Other Friday Because I Don't Have It in Me Right Now."

So I've decided that this blog's time is done. Now, notice that I didn't word it as "time to say goodbye." I fully intend to keep writing on my own, I've just got to do it without the strict weekly schedule. Anything I output now needs to be my best, not something quick I threw together at the last minute, and for that I'll need a new space with a less temporally-specific title. (Location of this new blog, the title of it, and what it will look like haven't been determined, but I'll post here when it's up, and on Twitter.)

Being good at something doesn't mean that it comes easy. I agonize over wordings, get hung up on little details, and want to walk away at the first sign of difficulty. For a long time I was also uneasy about seeing my name in print; an uncomfortable spotlight for someone who doesn't like being the center of attention. Writing here was the first step in getting over those problems (though the latter issue hit me again, I'll confess, when I started writing for Tested) and it has helped greatly.

Now I feel ready to do more, to step up my game and (force myself to) write things that show off what I'm capable of. Thank you for reading, for commenting, for finding anything I wrote worth remembering. Stick with me, I promise I've got more to say.*

*A lot of it is still going to be about video games. Sorry.

Since You Ask

2011-12-30T20:04:00.001-05:00

Are video games art?

The answer I usually give is "I'm so tired of that question," which some might argue is no answer at all. But I respond that way because long ago I learned an important lesson about questions, and it goes like this:

"The question is not the question, the question is the questioner." In other words, answering a question is about more than simply providing a solution, it involves looking to what motivated it in the first place. "Games as art" has a lot to do with a generational gap, and the passing of creative torches, and no well-reasoned argument can make a dent in such large, emotional movements.

But if you're interested, here's what I think.

Are video games art? Well, let's first recognize that "art" is a word, and, like all words, it's meaning is a fluid, relative thing. You could pull down a dictionary from the shelf and find a listing for it, but dictionaries do not tell us what words *should* mean, they tell us how words are used among current speakers (and as such, they are regularly revised with the linguistic ebb and flow.)

So when you ask if games are "art," I need to know what you mean by that.

Are games a valid form of expression? Yeah, they are.

Can they make you feel things, can they make you cry? Can they move you, change the way you see the world, give you new perspective on the events of your life? I'm here to tell you, on behalf of a generation that grew up with games in our homes, that they can.

And when you look back on your life, can games be an integral element that shaped who you are for the better? Yeah.

And if those things are not art, then what a stupid thing "art" must be. What a meaningless distinction, what a sad, unimportant little idea.

Pandora's Blocks

2011-12-23T22:28:00.001-05:00

When you really break it down, wrapping paper represents a kind of psychological torture.

It's a perfect tease: allure and obstruction in a single device. At once, it indicates that this is a gift, something good that was bought with the intent of pleasing, while simultaneously acting as a barrier to that very thing. It inspires intrigue about what the contents could be,and holds the promise of something that will be yours-that is yours actually. By all rights, the tag on the outside secures this object of mystery as your property. You can take it, even carry it with you if you like.

But you can't open it.

If you open it, you're a bad person. To have that thing that's yours before an communally agreed upon time would make someone sad, the same person that chose to do this nice thing for you/force you into this trial of human will. And the icing on this cake, what we can now recognize as some sort of devilish butter cream, is the knowledge that wrapping paper is so easy, and so fun, to remove.*

*And sometimes then there are Legos.

Level of Investment

2011-12-10T11:17:00.001-05:00

If you're going to be a gamer, you have to make peace with certain realities.

"I am going to manipulate this piece of plastic so that I can make an imaginary elf man kill imaginary monsters. And I'm choosing to believe that this represents an acceptable use of my leisure time."

This bargain becomes more difficult as you come to understand more about the underlying technology.

"I am going to inefficiently edit a save file using an elaborate visual interface."

But its even worse when the game has no noble hero, and no grand conflict. Games with stories are one thing; people have been getting overly invested in stories for a long time. But in a game like Animal Crossing, or Minecraft, even seasoned virtual puppeteers have difficulty reconciling their choice of hobbies.

"I am going to design and construct an imaginary farm, then meticulously harvest imaginary wheat, so I can then feed it to imaginary chickens* so they'll pretend to lay imaginary eggs. I am going to pretend to do something that is in all ways toil."

*What the hell is wrong with you stupid things? I've built you a huge pen, why do you insist on crowding into one tiny corner?

And

2011-12-02T21:57:00.001-05:00

Simple question:

Well, okay, it's actually not a simple question. I'm just setting you up to think of it as a simple question so we can then hold it up to the light and find out whether or not it is so. Course, I probably shouldn't have told you that, since it kinda spoils the whole thing.

Sometimes I over analyze things, and have trouble getting to my point.

*ahem*

What is the world like? (the human world, not the natural world)

An individual's answer to that is a pretty telling marker of his personality. Is the world evil? Is it full of idiots? Is it just fine? Those are all divisive perspectives. But I think it's a mistake to mentally group people by their answer to that question. Many may stand in the same spot, and see the same thing, but more important is what direction led them there. Take, for instance, "The world is bad."

"The world is bad, and there's no hope for anyone."

"The world is bad, and that's why we're going to change it."

"The world is bad, but it'll be better once I'm in charge."

"The world is bad, so I'll make for me and mine a place that isn't."*

Same idea, vastly different implications.

*We might call these Eeyore, Obama, Dr. Horrible, and Malcolm Reynolds.

Cycles

2011-11-25T11:38:00.001-05:00

Now that cellphones, and most especially smartphones, have become so common that they seem like a clumsy, halfhearted Borg assimilation plot, the full force of their resulting cultural shift is beginning to crash on the shores of the general public.

The marker that everyone points to is the generation of children, now old enough to understand the mechanisms that drive their world, who cannot grasp how a society might function without each person having constant access to worldwide communication. In time, however, I think you'll find that the more difficult concept to explain is this: there was a time, kids, when purchasing a new phone wasn't a gigantic ordeal.

Three major operating systems, several carriers, and hundreds of phones that range in price from zero dollars on-contract to "we priced it this much so that you'd never think of buying a phone not-on-contract" dollars. And the whole ecosystem is underlined by the (when you stop to think about it) super weird contract phenomenon itself: something like getting to purchase a car for 1/3 the price if you agree to only buy gas from one company for two years.*

So not only is the decision itself difficult, but there's a real sense that you'd better not screw it up-because otherwise you'll spend those two years kicking yourself and watching the great upgrade clock count down once again. Someday we'll mark time by our phone contracts, noting our distance from a big life event by what device we remember checking facebook on while it was happening.

*Don't tell anyone I said that, it might become real.

Investments

2011-11-19T16:52:00.001-05:00

I should really (read: I probably will never) create a list of the most important things I've read. Not the Bible, the Declaration of Independence, or anything "important" in a grand way, but the things that have stuck with me personally, popping up in my thoughts again and again, perhaps having a lasting impression on the way I think.

A surprising number of these writings will probably be about video games. Like this one!

In case you don't feel like investigating the whole thing, here's the short version. Among gamers, there's a subset that are enthusiasts for flight sims: highly accurate simulations of actual aircraft. And within that community, there's another subset that simulate air traffic controllers, using headsets to keep virtual pilots from crashing into one another. I should also mention that the air traffic software isn't a commercial product, but a fan-developed free add-on.

If the idea of people simulating another person's in-no-way-glamorous job in their leisure time sounds crazy*, then allow me to correct you: it actually isn't. It only sounds crazy because it's probably not you, or anyone you know. It is a sliver of a sliver of a chunk of society, but it's there. And that's why the post has stuck with me, it's a great example of how very broad the range of human experience is.

*I could never do this without insisting on using the crazy phonetic alphabet from the Hot Shots movies.

I don't know what you just said

2011-11-10T16:37:00.002-05:00

For some reason, I've been thinking about Batman a lot lately.

Despite Christopher Nolan's best efforts to bring that universe into something resembling reality, there's no doubt that the villains are pretty ridiculous. However, as with Tolkien's Mt. Doom, those characters are now so well known that no one seems to notice how fairly stupid they are. I'll let you mentally run through the roster on your own, but here's a preview: one of them is a PENGUIN MAN.*

That being said, Batman's little circus of evil weirdos has taught me a lot about what makes a good villain. In terms of storytelling, the purpose of an enemy is to reveal the hero-to challenge the champion in interesting ways, force him to make interesting choices. The way you equip a good enemy to do that is by making him a foil for some virtue of the hero.

Riddler - Intellectual foil
Catwoman - Physical/Stealthy foil
Mr. Freeze - Technological foil
Scarecrow - Foil for Batman's use of fear
Joker - Foil for Batman's will, his capacity for taking actions that other people don't.

These enemies all do something that Batman does, but usually better, and that keeps Batman's abilities from seeming unstoppable, while also forcing him to use the rest of his arsenal in new ways.

*And another one is a ventriloquist. Yeah.

Pop Rally

2011-11-05T09:45:00.002-04:00

Does it seem weird to anyone else that marching bands commonly play "Paint It Black" at sporting events? Isn't that song, which seems to be about consuming depression following the death of a lover, at an odd juxtaposition with "The Hey Song"*?

"I look inside myself and see my heart is black"

Ummmm, Go Team?!

"No colors anymore I want them to turn black"

Woo, Touchdown!

I guess you could argue the same about "The Imperial March" (aka, Darth Vader's theme), but that at least has an ominous, threatening vibe you might want to instill in your opponent. "Paint It Black" isn't threatening, though, so unless your goal is to really bum the other side out I don't get it. Seems like when you're trying to rally a crowd, a song commonly used as the backdrop to Vietnam War movies shouldn't be your first choice.

*Fun fact: Some part of your mind is always listening to "The Hey Song," over and over.

Circular Arguments

2011-10-28T21:59:00.001-04:00

I know you like candles. I like candles too. For their time they were a very effective technology that served us well. And I know that the prospect of light bulbs seems scary to you, and you don't trust new-fangled, high-tech solutions to problems you thought were already solved.

But just listen to me for a second.

I've been following this light bulb thing for a while, and using them for some time. So I'm in a good position to say that there's something to it all. And sooner or later, you're going to have to accept that they are better. And no matter how many light-bulb drawbacks you produce or how many arguments you make for the superiority of candles, it won't make a bit of difference.

I'm not saying your candles are going away completely, mind you. They certainly won't be our first choice for lighting needs, but they'll retain a certain place in our society. But if you really were to follow through on what you're saying now-that you'll never use light bulbs and only stick to candles-you're going to look like a crazy person in the long run. And that'll be appropriate, because you will be a crazy person.

Think of it this way. Used to we transported goods with wagons and horses. Then someone came up with railroads. And I'm sure that there was a certain amount of resistance to that too, from people who pointed out the expense of laying all that rail, how they didn't need to ship that fast, how cold and unromantic the rail cars were compared to a good, old fashioned wagon. But looking back, all that seems silly now. And it's clear that those detractors were fueled almost entirely by a fear of change.

So horde your candles if you want.* I'll won't even laugh when you grumpily accept the future, and enjoy it.

*Actually that's a good idea. Once they become a quaint anachronism the price will skyrocket, so long as you can make them smell like baked goods.

Class Struggle

2011-10-21T21:37:00.001-04:00

When you play games that let you choose your class (knight, thief, wizard, etc.), it ends up being a sort of personality test. Melee characters tend to be the more aggressive, sports loving types. Clever people who enjoy a more technical role go the wizarding route. Those with a strong protective instinct often role Healer classes.

It's not that cut-and-dry, mind you, human being simply don't sort that cleanly.* But there's definitely something revealing about it. The problem for a serious gamer is that, over time, you eventually get tired of the kind of class you usually play, and start to branch out.

At least, I think that's all it is.

But it could also be a signal of personality change. As life forces you into new roles, perhaps your self shifts a bit, and your class choice moves accordingly. If that sounds like an interesting idea, let me assure you that it isn't. It's terrifying. What if I wake up one day, and all I want to do is swing a sword at a guy? What if I don't want to sit back inflicting status ailments with my bow, or cast a buff on my teammates? *shudder*

*Except thieves and rogues. They are always troublemakers.

Demolition

2011-10-14T18:34:00.004-04:00

Water is really a very precious resource. Especially clean, fresh water for drinking. It's an essential component of all life that we know of, and the areas where it chooses to flow have etched out the mapping of our existence on this planet.

The idea of a machine that seems to produce drinkable water infinitely, at no cost to the drinker, is amazing. It's a miracle. A device like that would, outside of our modern technological feats, be a thing of incredible value. We should all be in awe that it exists.

So why, cat, do you insist on destroying it?

Why does this flowing river of life so offend you? Why can't you just get up, take your morning drink, then sit back and think, "Holy crap, that's awesome"? Why do you insist instead on pushing the fountain around so the water sloshes out*, then pawing at the little dome of clear, delicious water until it's set at some useless angle? What about being so well provided for angers you so much?

How about a little gratitude?

*Plus you hate getting wet, why would you want water spilling out all over the place?

Strapped

2011-10-07T19:43:00.001-04:00

The reality is that Velcro makes a lot of sense.

As a kid, Velcro shoes were a revelation. No more hassles of tying laces, then having to stop everything you're doing to tie them again. And for people like me, who prefer their shoes pretty snug, Velcro provided a highly adjustable fit that didn't get annoyingly looser as the day wore on. It was, in all ways, superior to the rather clumsy method of interweaving a thin piece of cord through tiny, pre-made holes and knotting them together at the end.

But once you become an adult, you can't wear Velcro anymore, not unless you're very old, or in some way physically or mentally challenged, or that weird guy who wears Velcro shoes all the time. And why? No one knows. It's that way because it's that way. It's as though our society required a daily dexterity test, and if you can't pass it, that fact needs to be constantly advertised on your feet.

Except for sandals. There Velcro is okay, even though sandals have always used straps and buckles and lots of other perfectly good non-lace mechanisms. Let's toss those out and use Velcro. But on anything else, unacceptable.*

*Go to an athletic shoe store. Look at what's on the shelf. Is Velcro going to make them really look that much stupider?

Phoenix Downs and Phantom Trains

2011-09-30T20:32:00.000-04:00

Video games have changed over the years, and if you're not a regular follower of the medium you may have missed the subtle shifts at work. Let me explain it to you.

Modern video games: "Hey what's up! Okay, here's how the controller works, here's what this button does, now this one, now those two together. Did you die? It's okay, I saved for you when you entered the room!"

Old video games: Go **** yourself.

You notice the difference when a more casual gamer (aka, normal person) attempts to play . . . say Chrono Trigger, or Final Fantasy VII. You hear a lot of "So I have to do all that again?" and "How was I supposed to know that?"

And the answer is that, yes, you have to do all that again. And you were supposed to know that because the designers just assumed you were familiar with the mechanics of this genre—or that you'd get desperate enough to look through the manual*, which was a larger part of the experience in those days.

The problem for those of us who've been playing for a while is that we don't fully trust the modern design. We've been trained to hunt for that next save point (see kids, before there was autosaving you only got to save your game at certain points. If a boss battle left your party a wreck, you healed up afterwards, immediately. Otherwise, you might get randomly attacked in the 5 steps to the save point, die, and tear your controller in half.**) and now the idea of turning off the system without selecting a save slot is like trusting a random person to deposit your paycheck.

*And sometimes you'd rent a game, and in that section at the back for "notes" that no one used some guy would have copied down every level skip code. And you knew that, wherever that guy was, he was awesome.

**That was FF7, by the way, and the boss was Alexander.

History Lesson

2011-09-24T15:36:00.001-04:00

Far be it from me to grumble about "these kids today," or their lack of understanding about . . . whatever. I don't think those kinds of criticisms are worth much, other than to highlight the speaker's level of irrelevance.

But it's come to my attention that there's an entire generation who doesn't know about WinAmp.*

Before there was an iTunes to complain about, there was exactly one music player that anyone cared about, and it was called WinAmp. It was a light, versatile piece of software that simply did what it was supposed to.

Like the honey badger, WinAmp does not give a ****. Winamp does not manage your collection of music, scan your hard drive for music, or do anything else with your music-unless you tell it to. You can run multiple instances of WinAmp at the same time. You can play different songs on those instances all at once. I mean I don't know why you'd want to, but WinAmp doesn't make the assumption that you wouldn't.

And it's still there. Even though it's been largely forgotten, WinAmp is still around. Try it. You might just find that there's comfort in a tool you can mold, rather than one that molds you.

*Also, Apple did not invent the mp3 player, or even the hard drive based mp3 player. I was using one of these when you were putting a cushion under your CD player.

Ready When You Are

2011-09-16T17:02:00.004-04:00

I understand why getting television shows through the Internet is so difficult.

There are a lot of parties involved: ones that make content, ones that deliver it, ones that attach their dreaded advertising onto it. And all of them stand firmly on a groundwork of laws, business models, and methods that weren't designed with the Internet in mind.

But for a moment, TV execs, please consider how frustrating the whole thing is to me as a consumer.

I like some of your products. They're good. I enjoy them, and I'd like to purchase them from you. And you won't let me. Oh I know you've got episodes on Amazon and iTunes and such, but that's not good enough. Selling me the product I want with conditions on exactly how I can get it is not what I want. It's like selling me a piece of cake, but only letting me eat it if I wear handcuffs. And I know you've got ad-supported shows on your website and Hulu, but that's . . . let's see . . . that's kinda like spitting on the cake. And that's gross. What a terrible bakery you run.

Just let me buy my episodes, commercial and DRM-free, and watch them. Is that so hard? Doesn't it tell you something is drastically wrong with your industry that you have a customer in your shop, money in hand, ready to buy a product that you make, and you're completely incapable of selling it to him?*

The terrible reality is that pirates understand your audience, and the future of your industry, much better than you do.

*In fairness, this is true at a number of physical stores as well.

This post is worth8.75/10

2011-09-09T16:32:00.001-04:00

At some point I stopped reading reviews, for anything. Actually that's not exactly accurate. I stopped reading anything in a review except the last paragraph. That golden bit of text is where most any author give me what I want: a quick summary of what he thought, and whether he feels this thing is worth my time.

I realize this policy might be an affront to people who write reviews for a living, and consider them valuable, but I stand by it. The fact is, as a form of communication I think reviewing is incredibly weird for a couple of reasons.

1. Experience is inherently a partnership between the viewer and the viewed (a bad way to phrase it, since there are usually more senses involved, but you get my meaning). As a separate entity from myself, you can't infer much at all about my reaction to the same thing. It'd be like if you tried on clothes for me, or (when I was single) dated a girl on my behalf—very little of what you'd find would have any relevance to my experience.

2. Most anything that gets reviewed I can investigate on my own for a nominal fee. I can try electronics out at a store, rent movies or see them in the theater for an (arguably) small price. Video games do have such a high cost that a bad review might save me a considerable amount, but that's why I use Gamefly and buy PC games on the cheap.

In fairness, there are things that a good reviewer can do:

-Provide perspective from a very knowledgeable person who can evaluate a product against its competitors, or a book/movie/game in terms of his experience with the medium
-Offer a discussion of a thing's merits, so that I think about it in a different way or notice elements that I might otherwise miss.

But both of those benefits are more useful after I've had direct experience, not before. They are elements of academic analysis, not a purchase recommendation.

So what do I need before direct experience? I need to know where to invest my time. Don't tell me what's "good" and "bad." Tell me what's interesting and boring. Direct me toward things worth looking into, give me enough data to recognize something that's not. And by all means keep putting it in the last paragraph, its as good a place as any.*

*Don't bother saying that you skipped to the last paragraph of this post, I've beaten you to it.

This is a joke. Please don't try it.

2011-09-02T17:01:00.000-04:00

For hundreds of years, people have been trying to lose weight, but no one has ever found a way to do it!

Now, thanks to the marvels of modern science combined with ancient Chinese weight loss secrets, at last you can get the body you want. Immediately! Like, tomorrow!

How? Simple! BurnFlex Turbo 44x*!

BurnFlex Turbo 44x is the ultimate and only way to strengthen your abs, arms, legs, ears, face and kneecaps all while becoming more attractive! The key to BurnFlex Turbo 44x is it's asymmetrical power design that shocks your body into destroying itself, taking the ugly fat along with it!

A BurnFlex Turbo 44x workout does it all. First, push-ups until you collapse, then a run in 90 degree sunlight until you're severely dehydrated. Follow that up by doing more push-ups with your hands in vats of ice water, and then eat a handful of salt! That'll teach your body to be fat!

Once you're done, the dieting takes care of itself, since your digestive system will now be shocked into "health mode," and be unable to process anything at all. It's losing weight the natural way!

*Brought to you by PowerSauce.

Nevermind.

2011-08-26T00:01:00.003-04:00

I always think, "I'll get my writing done at the airport." But the problem is that, by the time I get there, my entire day has been spent preparing for, thinking about, or getting to that place.* So I'll get this post written, all right, but it's going to be about exactly one thing: airports. My brain is fully flooded with that topic.

What's with the people that don't make it to the flight? The ones they call out at the terminal? It's not like they forgot, they must have checked in or no one would bother asking for them repeatedly. Of course, I have missed a flight before in one of the most stressful travel experiences of my life, so I know it can happen. But sometimes they read off like ten names. And those names are never "Gary Jones" or anything like that, but always something just a little weird, so that you wonder if it's actually an obscure Harry Potter character.

I know Arturias Lovewell and Elexia Roycroft are probably stuck at security after hitting a lot of traffic, but I like to think they simply got to the gate, looked down at their boarding pass, and decided to go bowling instead.

*Except of course when I walk through the terminal, where I make a mental game of analyzing the incredible cross section of human life before me. "That guy seems like a jerk. That lady's hair is crazy! Hey mister business-y man, what's been going on with your smartphone in the last two minutes?"

Two meters wide

2011-08-19T18:47:00.000-04:00

Let me assure you, your car is actually a quite capable machine. It was likely designed by smart people, and tested extensively before going to market. Moreover, the paved road you're on and currently favorable weather conditions are both quite conducive to driving.

In short, there's very little reason, person-in-front-of-me, that your simple right hand turn would necessitate slowing down to a near stop, swinging out into the left lane, and hooking back as though you were squeezing a firetruck into a one-car garage.

Trust me, the turning radius of your Civic can handle getting into the Kroger parking lot. I'm quite confident on this point. Just turn the wheel, you'll be fine.

All though I would like to ask something. If you're taking all that trouble to make the turn, why not use your turn signal too? If you misjudged the angle of attack, at worst you'd wind up with a little scrape on your bumper. But the signal drastically reduces the likely hood that someone won't anticipate your sudden deceleration and crash violently into the back of your car.

Thanks,

Sam

Drink Coke

2011-08-12T20:23:00.000-04:00

In the brief period between tragically breaking my generation 1 Kindle and ordering a new Kindle 3, there was a moment where I considered a "special offers" model. At a decent discount from the Wi-Fi version I ultimately purchased, the idea of seeing sponsored screen saves (arguably an improvement, the normal ones are images of famous authors who, I'm here to tell you, are much better suited to their non-visual medium) and banners on menu screens sounded reasonable.

But the second I saw an "Oil of Olay" ad in a reviewer's screenshot, whatever mental antibodies patrol my conscious mind turned in mid-pass, assembled in attack formation, and struck it as one*. It doesn't matter if the ads are small, or if they're relevant, or if they provide discounts. Somewhere I decided that advertising-fueled media was bad.

I suspect Netflix Instant had something to do with it. I've been away from cable TV and its 1:3 ad-to-content ratio for so long, I can't imagine enduring it on a regular basis. It's as if we sat down to have a lively conversation, but once every 15 minutes I'd suddenly talk about 4-5 bits of inane garbage for 30 seconds each.

*And yet they can't do anything about the mixed metaphors.

Expectation

2011-08-05T16:51:00.001-04:00

Remember that time when you were a kid, and you made the mistake of biting into a block of baker's chocolate?

The good news is, it wasn't just you. A lot of other people did it.* It looked like chocolate, it smelled like chocolate, it was even in a package that clearly said "chocolate." How were we to know? I mean sure, our moms told us not to eat it, but they said that about lots of candy. The only clear road available was trial-and-horrible-horrible error.

So where's that warning label, huh? Where was Mr. Yuk? I know he's got more important things on his plate, what with keeping people from ingesting deadly poisons, but come on! Take five minutes to say "Listen kid, I know all the experiences in your short life say that this package contains pure, sweet deliciousness. It doesn't. Contained beyond this warning is bitterness distilled, its textural similarity to proper chocolate only highlighting its terrible shortcomings. You'd be better off chewing an unground coffee bean. Walk away."

*In fact, consider yourself lucky. For some people it was unsweetened cocoa powder.

Many roads to every city leads.

2011-07-29T00:01:00.001-04:00

In the great book of common false assumptions, #2,959,848 reads: "The people do the things that I do, are fundamentally similar to me."

It's an easy mistake to make, since the things you do ARE often directly related to your personality, background, motivations, etc. But it's the aggregate of those things that brings you to a particular profession or hobby. And as it turns out, the same result can be equated from many different combinations.

It's like if you were a hawk, and thought: "I can fly. I know what flying is, anything that flies has got to be pretty much like me." And then you encountered a humming bird, and after that an airplane. And suddenly it dawned on you that flight is a much broader thing than you assumed.

XPerience

2011-07-22T00:01:00.012-04:00

A lot of people have been wondering if Windows 8 is going to be awesome, and let me be clear: It isn't.

And the reason it isn't has nothing to do with tiles or tablets or anything of that sort. It's simply a matter of history. Here, let me show you:

The Windows Odds-and-Evens Rule:

Windows 95- Amazing. A dramatic shift from 3.1 that shaped every OS they've launched since.

Windows 98 - And then they broke it. Essentially it's like 95, just with more blue screens! A complete waste of everyone's time. It was mostly an excuse to shove Internet Explorer down more people's throats.

Windows 2000 - Rock solid. Did everything the old versions did, but cleaner, faster, and without crashing as much.

Windows ME - I get a little sick to my stomach every time I think about it. I actually had to do support on a few of these, and we used to dread getting a Windows ME call. It was so bad, it didn't even last a year.

Windows XP - A complete breath of fresh air. People loved it so much it's still the most popular version a full decade later.

Windows Vista - As ugly as the devil's face. The main feature seemed to be a digital overprotective parent who always wanted to make extra sure you really needed to do anything, ever. Windows Vista once dinged as I was trying to leave the house, turned out it was asking if I really thought I should go out without a jacket.

Windows 7 - Installing Windows 7 is like giving your computer a shower. It looks great, it runs great, it has truly useful new features, and it's better about auto-installing hardware than any past version.

Windows 8 - Destined to be garbage. Face it. Microsoft has to get one really wrong before they get one right, that's just how they roll. Cling tight to your 7 install disk. Ignore anything you hear. I'll see you when 9 comes out in 2014.

Renewals

2011-07-16T11:41:00.000-04:00

If you want an education in multiculturalism, you don't need to go to another country.

And you don't need to read books by foreign authors, or sample foods from around the world. All you need to do is go to your local tag office, or any other government building that nearly everyone has to visit once in a while.*

See, paperwork has this wonderful way of not discriminating. If you're going to have a car, there are certain forms you have to fill out, end of story. And that wide cast net made of red tape drags together daily assortments of local walks of life, then makes them stand in line.

Did you think that everyone was pretty much like you? They aren't. Like, not even close. Half that guy's head is shaved. That woman appears to be wearing monk robes. Yes, that old man is carrying a garden hose, and you probably shouldn't spend too much time thinking about why.

Also, that lady in the corner? She's looking at you that way because she's thinking about how weird you are.

*Or Walmart after about 3AM.

By the numbers

2011-07-08T21:05:00.000-04:00

On one-two, nothing and everything happens.

It's like drawing back the string on a bow: the most gentle part of the whole process, really, but it defines everything that comes after. The lead rock-steps back, letting his arm extend just slightly to avoid pulling her forward at all. She's following, after all, and responding is like breathing. She reads every movement, pulling back when he pulls, pushing back when he pushes, matching him point by point. She even translates the slight right-left bob of his hand into full swivels, like a tiny stone rippling an entire pond. Neither of them has moved yet. It's pure anticipation.

On three, it all snaps. The coiled spring between their arms pulls, and she fires straight forward. He moves just slightly out of her way, catching her back with his other hand, letting her momentum spin him around. They are using one another to ride a wave of kinetic energy.

-and-four: the arms they started with are relaxed now, their job done for the moment. Knees bent, upper bodies pulled back, individually they are completely off balance, but together they're stable. The arms they started with are completely relaxed now, and the energy they imparted is now rebuilding elsewhere. She's sending her weight against the right hand on her back, and it's stretching his right arm like a rubber band.

On five, it snaps. He's stepped behind himself, preparing to be out of her way. She explodes past, and six does nothing more than absorb the blast.

Seven-and-eight, some will tell you, is where it all resets. But if she knows what she's doing, she hasn't let all that energy out just yet, and rides the last little bit until the very last second before they begin again.

It's a storm. Not elegant or pretty, not polished to a shine. It's not civilized. A hurricane made just to generate the peaceful place in its eye.

And one . . .

*See?

Errrrrgh!-onomics

2011-07-01T20:35:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how much BS we put up with when it comes to . . . just about anything. With any given product, service, or aspect of life, there's a certain amount of "stupid crap overhead" that's simply assumed as part of the equation.

Your computer will sometimes get viruses, which will need to be removed. Sometimes the software on it will lock up, and you'll need to reboot it. Someday it may not come on at all. These are not uncommon events, they're known quantities.

And it's not just that new-fangled compugizmo-jabber-jabber either. Several times in your life, you'll go out to your car, turn the key, and nothing will happen. Even though you just drove it the night before, suddenly it will act as nothing more than an elaborate statue, or highly inconvenient furniture.

We accept these things. We get mad about them, sure, but ultimately we're not surprised. The reality is that when things don't work, that's actually the natural state. The bizarre part is that any of it ever worked in the first place, that a long history of human beings raking through the physical world* has yielded crap that lights up and moves on it's own.

*Now back to Minecraft, where we've built a virtual system for starting back over at the beginning.

It's dumb and you're dumb for liking it.

2011-06-24T17:23:00.001-04:00

Fellow nerds, I need your attention.

Actually, I need everyone's attention. But for reasons I'll lay out, you're my main audience.

I need you to tell you something important, something that you should in turn teach others. It's a great lesson in being a cool person, and it goes like this: "Let people have their stupid thing."

Now let me explain what I mean.

If someone you know likes to play video games, board games, live action role playing games, fantasy football, actual football, collect clothespins, shoot guns (at targets), watch Doctor Who/Firefly/professional sports/reality TV . . . in short, if someone you know likes doing something that's not harming them or anyone else, let them have it. Don't crap all over it just because you don't happen to like that thing. Accept that their amusement is not the result of some vile corruption inside them, but just a preference.

Nerds, here's why this is especially important to you. As a natural enthusiast, you've probably been highly subject to negativity from people (by which I mean *ssholes) who don't understand the objects of your obsession. If you've had time to get well clear of high school, you know by now that those people were wrong, and too boring to understand you. If you're not free of school yet, memorize the previous sentence and bind it to your heart.*

But if you've known that burden, you need to be especially sensitive toward it. What you don't need to do is repeat the mistakes of others, calling out fellow nerds for being ever so slightly nerdier than you. If you don't get it, aren't into it, or can't see what's so great about it, then just let it go. Everybody's got some stupid thing they like. Just let them have it. Support their right to enjoy their leisure time.

*With a sonic screwdriver.

I bite my thumb.

2011-06-17T21:07:00.000-04:00

I can't watch Hamlet anymore.

It's good, I like it. It's got sword fighting, political and social intrigue, a ghost-all sorts of hooks. And the writing ain't bad either. And as I said, I like Hamlet.

I liked it when I read it in high school, and in freshman English during college. After I read it each year of college thereafter, though, I was getting a little tired of it. And now I'm done. No more. The man wrote other plays, let's move on. The only way I'd watch Hamlet again is if you do something completely crazy with it.

Generally speaking, I think it's weird whenever someone decides to do Shakespeare with a clever spin, like setting it in modern times. Those plays are remembered for their dialog, so either you drop the best part completely, or you leave it sticking out like an anachronistic sore thumb.

But with Hamlet, I'll give some leeway. Go nuts.* Same story, but Hamlet's played as a woman, all the actors are over 75, and the whole thing is set on Mars. Have at it. How about all the characters are superheros, and Hamlet's dad appears in the form of a giant spider? And it's underwater.

*Oh wait, someone already did.

I just wanted to watch a movie

2011-06-10T00:01:00.004-04:00

Years ago, I thought that home theaters were the one gadget-y thing I'd never understand. Wrapping my head around different combinations of TV, receiver, and device settings gave the pit of my stomach the same feeling it gets when I try to learn a foreign language or musical instrument—both vast depths of tedium that give me cognitive vertigo.

Then the time came when I actually needed a receiver, and after working with it for a while I realized something: It's not that home theater setup is complex, it's that a particular rig only really makes sense to the person who set it up. Someone else could learn the basics, like how to switch between the PS3 and Wii, but trying to explain the intricacies (like, for instance, how you can hook up a PC to my home theater by setting the TV to HDMI2 and the receiver to VIDEO 3, then uncoiling the spare HDMI cable and attaching the DVI con . . . see I've already lost you.) is a fools errand. Running someone else's home theater is like trying to use someone else's brain, which as we know always ends with "dude, can't handle it."

But although I now have a much better grasp of A\V equipment, one mystery persists*: why do receivers have to be so hot? What, exactly, about the process of routing video and audio signals requires a device that operates at three thousand degrees, on average? You may not realize, but the #2 most popular reason people buy new receivers, right behind "still don't have enough inputs, somehow," is currently listed as "Old receiver got so hot that it glowed red, melted through my floor, then through the earth below, and continued down until it hit groundwater. A plume of steam shot out of the new hole in my living room, which according to the manual's troubleshooting guide means that my old receiver is gone forever."

*Actually two, if you count "Why does the Nintendo Wii have to be 5 times louder than any other device?"

Checkmate

2011-06-03T16:33:00.000-04:00

Conflicts are a natural part of daily life, and often arise even when different parties are working toward the same goal. Though the following exercise, you'll learn techniques to resolve conflicts in the most efficient manner possible, while still getting exactly what you wanted without compromising at all. Simply follow the steps below to begin working through your differences.

1-Find a Mediator

Not all conflict resolutions require a mediator, but they can be useful tools. A good mediator is someone who's already on your side, or who has a close personal attachment to you that will sway his or her judgement.

2-Choose a time

You can begin a conflict resolution session at almost any time, but the best choices are when the other person will be caught off guard.* Think about how the other person is feeling, and try to pick a time when he or she will be stressed, hungry, or sleepy.

3-Voice Your Feelings

Take a moment to determine the nature of your conflict. You will find that most disagreements can be summarized as one person (Person A) wanting a certain thing, and another person (Person B) not wanting that thing. Once you've determined which person is which, proceed with the following steps

Person A: Turn to person B, and say "yuh-huh."

Person B: Consider person A's point, and reply with "nuh-uh."

Continue in this way, going back and forth, until one person gets tired and gives up. The person who does not give up is declared the "winner," and gets to have his or her way.

With the conflict resolved, you may now proceed to enjoy your temporary sense of superiority. The winning party should keep in mind that losing parties are free to pursue conflicts further, usually by going ahead and doing whatever it was they wanted to do anyway.

*"Can't this at least wait until I'm washing my hands?"

On Edge

2011-05-27T21:22:00.001-04:00

The other day I had to go to the hardware store, and while I was there I bought a box cutter/utility knife.

It's not the first one of these I've ever purchased, in fact I have two others already. But as I've been moving all week, both of those were lost somewhere in a fortress of cardboard. Even if I could find them, though, I still would have been up for buying a new one.

Because most utility knives are garbage.

This is a tool made to do real work, yet manufacturers use flimsy plastic casings and poor designs that leave the blade loose in its socket. So when I bought my new knife, I wanted to get something better. I went into it willing to spend a bit more to get a quality product. And there it was. Below the rack of cheap $3 products, there was another row of what looked like the real thing-solid metal casings, and a design that seemed like care had gone into it.

And I was right. But I didn't know what I was getting into. This is a real utility knife. Maybe too real. It is easily one of the sharpest things I've ever owned, like a samurai sword you can hook onto your pocket. While opening a box, I went from cutting tape to cutting through the side of the cardboard to cutting through the end of the cardboard without noticing any change.

Conventional southern wisdom says that a dull knife is more dangerous than a sharp knife, since it's more likely to slip. There's some truth there, but only up to a point. In skilled hands, I'm sure the sharp blade is best, since it will follow those trained motions exactly. But I'm just opening some boxes, here, and doing it with the closest lightsaber equivalent I've encountered in everyday life.*

*Grasp it carefully with your remaining fingers.

Sisyphean is the word

2011-05-20T19:43:00.001-04:00

Every time I empty the lint trap on my dryer, I think "Aren't I just throwing my clothes away very slowly?"

The vacuum cleaner isn't much better. I track in all this dirt, use a machine to clean it up, then clean out the machine so I can take the dirt back outside again. It's as though daily life is the tide, and we're determinedly trying to beat it back with a stick.

"Sooner or later," it seems to say, "That floor is going to be a filthy. You can clean it, but it's gonna be dirty again soon. Oh yeah, go ahead and do the dishes too, I got more dirty ones coming. There's a glass on the other side of the couch that you don't even know about-used to have milk in it too."

But it's oddly comforting. Clutter on a desk tells you that work has been done there, a dish in the sink that food has been eaten. All of them are marks of a thinking mind, one that can cobble together disparate artifacts into a single thread, without needing them arranged just so. A mess tells you that life is nearby, strict order always comes off sterile.

Does seem inefficient though.*

*Let's start with the bathroom. I'm gonna need a whole bunch of plastic wrap and a couple of pressure washers.

Singularity

2011-05-13T13:20:00.000-04:00

I think most people have a sort of "thesis," a single idea that can be seen in how they approach the world, and which things they enjoy doing.*

I have a friend, for instance, who likes chemistry, has done a lot of cooking, and enjoys extremely difficult platforming games (ones that require jumping with exact timing). His thesis is "precision." Something in him loves to work in very precise ways.

Another friend keeps his DVD's in like-new condition, has a lot of action figures, and plays those same sort of platforming games, often with the first guy. His thesis, though, is "physicality." He finds something important in the physical nature of objects.

I chose those two examples for a reason: they have that one element in common. Often we assume that people who do the same things are, themselves, similar. In reality, any number of personal theses can draw people to a particular job/hobby/cause. Some people make cakes because they love the taste of things, others because they love the aesthetics, still others because, for whatever reason, using an oven is incredibly fulfilling.

The problem is that most people never know they have a thesis, because they naturally assume that everyone thinks basically the same way that they do.

*My thesis is that I'm always trying to figure out the workings of things, sometimes to the point of oversimplification.

Things that work are boring

2011-05-06T21:07:00.000-04:00

I really don't like the iPhone. Never have, probably never will. But I'm not hating, I understand why many people love the device. But I expect I'll be an Android guy for a long time.

Fact is, I like things that are a little bit broken.

Mac interfaces are extremely refined, and I think that's the problem. It's just too clean for me, too polished. It's creepy almost, like using a hospital to check my email.

I'd rather be out on Google's experimental edge-it doesn't always go as smoothly, but I get to watch the product iterate toward refinement. There's something honest about a product that's just kinda there-no implied claim of perfection*, just "here's a handful of incredible ideas, and we'll keep working on it."

Failing that, I'd easily go to the Microsoft philosophy-"pack in the features, let the users figure out how to use them." But then I like learning to use a device. To me the learning process isn't a means to an end, I enjoy the discovery and mastery process.

Hey, my laptop didn't crash the whole time I was writing!

*It's well intentioned, but the practice of wearing nice clothes to church is a mistake, I think.

Search Your Feelings

2011-04-29T18:04:00.000-04:00

What's the most terrifying thing about becoming an adult?

It's not that you have to find your own way in the world.

It's not the process of learning to navigate vast social, political, and economic structures around you.

It's not the difficulty of trying to decide who you will be, what you will do, and what really matters.

It's not the problem of balancing different aspects of your life.

It's not the acceptance that you are subject to forces you have no hope of controlling.

It's not coming to grips with the mistakes you've made.

The most terrifying thing about becoming an adult is looking back on your childhood, and realizing that your parents, just like you, were largely making it up as they went along.*

*YEAH

My Self-Help Book Would Be Short

2011-04-22T11:48:00.000-04:00

"Lack of Motivation" is one of the most common things people beat themselves up over. We look at the successful, the brilliant, the talented, and know deep inside that such heights would be within our reach if we only had the discipline to pursue it.

Only I don't think that's quite true.

The kind of motivation you need to work at the same thing, day after day, can be fueled by many things—and not all of them are as positive as iron will. Profound emotional damage, for example, will do just fine, as it's a constant push to lose yourself in work. Desperate, gnawing lack of self-worth is another common one, since it can be temporarily beaten back by personal accomplishments.

And let's not forget OCD. Nothing makes you perfect your craft like the inexplicable feeling that you have to.

So maybe the reason most people goof off so much is that they're relatively well adjusted. The person who's happy, healthy, and fulfilled doesn't need to conquer the world.*

*They just need to pretend to.

Relax

2011-04-16T13:31:00.000-04:00

The idea behind a vacation is that it's a time for you to relax, and get away from the daily pressures of work. And that would make sense, were going on vacation not incredibly stressful.

Not only do you have to arrange all the things which are normally handled by your established patterns: food, lodging, transportation, etc-you also have to manage all the little stuff that you can normally put off, like laundry and dirty dishes.

Oh, and you have to do all this with a deadline. And coordinate it with anyone who's going with you. And prepare for any rain/traffic/other delays that might occur. Also you didn't clean out the cooler last time you used it, so now you've got to go rinse it with bleach. Don't forget anything.* Who's feeding the cats, again?

*If you forget your phone charger, you've remembered a paperweight.

The Best I've Got

2011-04-09T21:07:00.000-04:00

Once you get married, you occasionally get asked for advice on dating. The theory there is sound enough: if you want to know how to do something, ask someone who's done it. The problem, however, is that happily married people didn't "figure out" the dating world, and were likely just as bewildered and frustrated by it as you are, right up until the point where everything worked out.

But that being said, I do have a few notes:

For a single person who'd like to fall in love and get married, the club scene is perhaps your greatest resource. Why? Because it's a magnet for exactly the kinds of people you want to avoid. The loud music, alcohol, and mobs of people are a direct hit for any skeezy guy who's just looking for a hookup, and any boring girl who has little of interest to say.

If you're offended by this because you occasionally go out drinking, let me clarify: I didn't say that EVERYONE in a bar or club is like this. But by the same token, not EVERYONE at Disney World is a child. In both cases, however, it's clear that the experience is catered to a certain demographic.

So, then, we can think of your local "night life" area as a sort of magnet*, which draws all the crappy people into one spot. Now you need only avoid this place, and begin your search anew.*

*Unfortunately there's not a counter that goes the other way. Maybe you could walk around, and drop $5 bills with your phone number on them. A person who calls you to return it is probably worth a look.

Fine Diction

2011-04-01T19:32:00.001-04:00

So you want to write a consumer product review. Well that's great! I'm sure that once it's completed, it will be the shining star among the other hundreds of unread reviews on the same site. But before you begin, how about going over a few pointers—some common mistakes that should be avoided.

1. There's such a thing as an "outlier"

"What a piece of JUNK! I plugged it in but nothing happened! Do NOT buy this it's a waste of money cause it doesn't do what it's supposed to! These people should be ashamed of themselves for ripping everyone off."

If you're writing a negative review because the product didn't work, here's a little insight: It's possible that it's an isolated incident. I know it's hard to believe, but it turns out that every manufacturer has to deal with bum units from time to time. So just because the thing you got doesn't work, that doesn't mean they all don't work, or that the manufacturer is a pack of monsters, or that their headquarters should be stormed with torches and pitchforks. Maybe you could return it, try another one, and then write the review?

2. Asking for help

"It worked at first but then I started getting an error message. Love the product but wish they would fix it."

In the event that you do have a problem, check the packaging! It's entirely possible that the manufacturer has teams of people on hand to help you for free! Call these people, you give their work meaning!

3. Not writing every single detail

"The product arrived at 6:15PM on 4/8/10 via UPS. I wasn't home at the time, so the delivery guy left it at my door. Once I got the cardboard box I immediately cut it open to reveal a smaller green box. Inside that I found several cardboard spacers, a pack of "do not eat" silica gel, the product itself inside a clear plastic bag, and several . . . (and it goes on like that)."

Hey, sum it up there, James Joyce. I don't need to know what you had for breakfast the day a product arrived. That's not actually important to whether or not I decide to purchase this product. See, my time is valuable to me, and you're wasting it. Cut to the chase already.

4. What is wrong with you?

"OMFG thiz is so dum why wud you buy this pize of crap thing it donnent wurk im returning it rite now and never buying anything from bestbuys again why wud you buy this piz of crap thng."

What corruption has happened in your mind to let you put this anywhere someone might accidentally read it? This and anything else that drips off your tattered thought process should be locked away with household cleaners and rat poisons, sealed tightly in a child proof container. No product* that can be purchased at "best buys" will ever be as broken, or as dangerous, as the language you have here produced. Unplug your computer. Put it in a box. Give it to a library. Then sit quietly among the books and think about what you've done.

*Except for the Kesha** albums.
**I refuse to acknowledge her ridiculous spelling.

Truth in Fiction

2011-03-25T19:48:00.000-04:00

Someone I'm too lazy to look up once said "Writers don't like to write, writers like to have written." And after careful consideration, I have something to say in response.

That crap is TRUE.

"Having written" something that's good, or even worthwhile, is great fun. You get to be proud of it, hear people talk about it, and enjoy the incredible satisfaction of completing something that you didn't just build, you crafted.

And if a piece turns out really, really well, sometimes it's even good enough to make you forget that actual writing is like pulling teeth. Like pulling your own teeth.

You agonize over wordings. You kick yourself for repetition mistakes. You rewrite sentences over and over, sometimes breaking your constructions with over editing-and all the while you wonder if you should just scrap it and start over.

Someone else once said, "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life." And after careful consideration, whoever said that is a LIAR. Work is always work. Loving what you do just means you get to feel good about it when it's done.*

*I could have phrased that better.

You Again.

2011-03-18T15:11:00.001-04:00

Oh, by the way, I'm taking last week off.

Wait . . . lets see, present progressive tense . . . but the adjective refers to a previous . . . mmmmm.

Oh well!

Moving on.

When you work or live in a place where you share a bathroom with lots of other people, you sometimes find a strange symmetry in your day. We might call this phenomenon the "pee buddy," were that phrase not entirely vile and prone to misinterpretation.

So let me be perfectly clear on what I mean. As you go through your day, and (hopefully) going to the bathroom a few times, you occasionally find that someone else is in there. The same someone else. Every time.

And while you're standing/sitting there reflecting (because what else do you do with that time), you begin to wonder why this individual always seems to be there when you are. Without fail, you come to exactly two possible explanations:

1. Due to an odd coincidence of personal biology, dietary habits, and discomfort endurance, you and this person have become perfectly in sync.*

2. This person is always here when you are because he/she uses the bathroom like 200 times per day, and there's got to be something wrong with him/her.

But how can you ever know? If there's some problem your buddy is aware of, you don't want to bring it up. And it's not like you can ask, anyway? "Maybe you should get that checked out" is not going to make the public bathroom experience any less awkward.

*The interesting thing about theory 1 is that it comes with the corollary: This person may be thinking theory 2 is true, and that there's something wrong with you.

P.S. There's an email subscription option now! Check out the sidebar.

oooooooo, burn!

2011-03-04T21:36:00.000-05:00

I'm sure that fire code is important, and that it saves many lives. But on behalf of everyone who uses public buildings: Come the hell on.

Based on what I've been told over the years, I'm pretty sure that according to full fire code, no space anywhere ever is allowed to have anything in it. Or anyone. The preferred fire marshal design seems to be a metal frame with no walls or ceiling.

And no one should enter these structures. Or get too close to a tree.

Because in the event of a fire, every person in a hallway is going to immediately freak out and start tackling anyone nearby.

Go team

2011-02-25T18:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Fanboy,

Can I ask you a question? Do you honestly think that Microsoft/Apple/Google/Mozilla/Sony/Nintendo/Republican Party/Democratic Party/any sports team/Amazon/Barnes and Noble gives a crap about you? Do you honestly believe that that institution is the "good guy," while all competitors represent some kind of evil empire that only a stupid, gullible person would buy into? Are you under the impression that you'll get some kind of prize when your side emerges victorious?

Allow me to educate you.

No one who wants your money is really on your side. When they play as though they are, it's in the hope that you'll give them money/more money than you already have, and not because they have good hearts. They see you as a money piñata, and language is their stick.

And it's ok to have favorites, we all do. But you are serving no one by defending your champion to the bitter end. The one any only reason your guy does anything good is because he has to, his competition forces his hand. If you like Playstation so much, you'd better hope Microsoft has a good quarter. If you use Firefox, cross your fingers that Chrome gains market share. Because a clear winner doesn't have to try very hard, does he?

In short, if you want good products, make the relevant parties fight for every last dollar you give them. Make them scrape and refine and innovate ways to get their money, and don't credit them any previous victories.

That's the only way we win.

Sincerely,

Sam*

*Who wrote this in Google Blogger, using Google Chrome, running on the Chrome OS laptop that Google sent him.

Soda Jerks

2011-02-18T21:02:00.000-05:00

I get it.

I understand that restaurants need drink sales to make money. They represent a very high profit margin in an business where success is tricky. And I know that they can't afford to have people ordering water, then sneaking some coke into their cup. It's perfectly reasonable that water cups should be different from the other cups.

But do they have to be the size of a thimble?

Really Panera?

I don't think it's just a "making sure you don't get soda" thing, either. No, at this point you're making a joke. I've got to either buy a real drink, or suffer your water shotglass of shame. I can almost hear them laughing each time I go for a refill*, drinking a full glass at the dispenser so I can get enough.

*Oh yeah? Well in addition to the calories I'm saving, I'm also getting exercize from walking so much, so joke's on . . . still me, somehow.

Presents of mind

2011-02-11T12:31:00.000-05:00

Gift giving is something of a fine art, and there are a lot of ways to get it wrong.

Even when you've known someone for a long time, and feel you have a fairly comprehensive model of his psyche, choosing something he'll like can be tricky. Of course, that's why nature produced the Amazon universal wish list and other such gift registries—For the long-distance relative who needs to just pick something, you can't do much better.

But the best gifts follow the desire/impractical measure, where the item is both A) something the person will want and B) something the person would never buy for himself.* If you can hit that target, you'll find the receiver in a particular state of joy, delighting in an item that for him represents true luxury.

Alternatively, you can also buy something incredibly weird, and send it with no explanation of what it's for, or why you chose it. Then you've provided on of the oldest gifts of them all, the gift of a new story.

*Example

Refried Beans-Salsa-tomatoes-Sour Cream-Cheese-Olives-Green Onion Day

2011-02-04T15:20:00.000-05:00

I'm not really a fan of the Superbowl, just a fan of 7 Layer Dip.But as it happens, one of those seems to inspire the making of the other, so vicariously I guess I really like football.

Who's playing this year, anyway? I honestly don't know. Go whichever-team-the-guy-who-made-the-dip-likes!

And I think it's clear from the ratings that there are a lot of people like me. It's not like all those viewers didn't care that about football through the season, then suddenly it's the biggest thing in their world. No, most of them still don't care . . . but hot dogs are delicious, and by the middle of winter you probably haven't had one in months, so "WOOOO, SUPERBOWL!"*

So let's just put the whole thing on a Monday afternoon and declare it a national holiday. We could even call it something else, like "Family Day," so people wouldn't complain about it being just for football.

*(Psst, I think the actual sports fans know we're faking. They kept talking about stats, and I'm pretty sure they made a few of them up to see if I'd notice.)

write blog post

2011-01-29T12:42:00.000-05:00

This week I posted a funny status update which, normally, would get a few "likes" and fade into the constant chatter of the Internet. But because my friends are often as-geeky or far-more-geeky than myself, something else entirely happened: an old school text based adventure began in the comment thread.

http://d.pr/IXAz

Now, most anyone who knows me and has even a drop of nerdy tendency is transfixed, checking back multiple times each day to watch the narrative unfold. Meanwhile, I'm looking at the list of releases planned for 2011 and wondering if any one of them could come close to stealing the "game of the year" crown from this crazy social network experience.

But then I have a different criteria than most. GOTY awards usually go to highly polished experiences where the perceived value of the product was high. And that's fine. I like polished experiences. Yet I wonder if that's really the best methodology when selecting a year's highlights.

Cause I have news for you. When we look back in twenty years at the games which shaped the medium, no one is going to be talking about Red Dead Redemption.*

*Mass Effect 2, maybe. But it's a more polished iteration of what was so remarkable in ME 1.

Blanket Statement

2011-01-21T11:28:00.000-05:00

Sharing a bed with someone can be one of life's great little pleasures. It's a constant comfort, and reminder of the intimacy and trust you have with another person.

It is also a logistical nightmare.

You've got different sleeping positions, light-level preferences, pillow arrangements—not to mention temperature needs. Thermal distribution in a two-person bed is a study unto itself, in fact. Some people want the room to be ice cold, while they are baked alive beneath a pile of covers. Other people require that a fan blows air across them all night, which they then counter by using an extra blanket. And I'm not calling out anyone, anywhere for being weird—by default I sleep with both feet outside the covers (because, for some reason, bed makes the bottoms of my feet go thermonuclear with heat) and a secondary pillow tucked under my right shoulder, taking a bit of my weight so I can breath easier.

Combining two of these weird sleep combination locks is an interesting process, requiring a lot of real time and dedication.*

*Pro-tip: Develop an automatic "anchor response," where you hold down your side of the covers whenever you feel the other person move.

A place in the sun where it's nice and warm

2011-01-14T11:47:00.000-05:00

Songs like Gnarls Barkley's "Going On"* are, to me, in a class of their own.

It's a class I like to refer to as "music that I don't have to be ashamed that I'm listening to."

In addition to being catchy, Going On carries a really nice little message: Put more focus on others, less on yourself, and don't put up with people who won't do the same. That may not seem like such a big deal, but remember that a large amount of music:

1. Contains no redeeming values
2. Actively promotes really terrible lifestyles
3. Is so very funky, you just can't stop singing it

And that's the baffling part. Since most music is sold by including awesome beats and incredible hooks, and the lyrics are often nearly indecipherable, why bother to focus on negative ideas at all? Just make all your music about solid moral values, autotune it into an electronic paste, and make it sound like it's about partying. Most people won't know the difference, and I'll feel better about having your song in my subconscious.

*One note: the line in the second verse is: And to do what I want/and to do what I please/Is first *off* my to-do list. For some reason no one bothers to check the official lyrics, and puts it as either "first *of* my to-do" list (which makes no sense) or worse "first *on* my to-do list" (which is counter to the rest of the song.)

no.w on the webs!

2011-01-07T01:23:00.000-05:00

i carry your phone everywhere
google
with me everywhere
and everywhere it takes me
i heart gps
but alth ough i find it
a marvel
theres at least one po.int
i need to take up with you

the software k e y b o a r d
doesnt work with blogg er
and my hardware one
doesnt recognize capitals
or symbols

serious.ly
you have like tw e n ty ba
jillion dollars
get on that
thanks

Free Soap!

2010-12-31T03:01:00.000-05:00

There's just something nice about a hotel room.

Technically it's just a poorly equipped, overpriced apartment, but somehow having that little room set aside for you is an incredible treat. You relish the experience, tossing down your bags with great flourish and stretching out on a bed just big enough to be considered a double. You inventory the room: chairs, table, tv, coffee pot, tiny fridge (exquisite!).

And then you turn on the TV. My mother never understood this part when I went on vacation as a kid, and asked why we traveled so far if we were just going to watch television we could see at home. She never understood that you have to "settle into" a vacation. You need that moment to claim your new space, kick the tires and open her up a little. Only once you're fully at home can you enjoy a single thing outside that window, with its super-heavy blackout curtains.

Oh look, the number for the nearest pizza chain. Gonna give them a call later, aren't you? Yes, pizza delivered directly to your new little domain. What royalty you are.

Dear Santa Claus,

2010-12-24T15:35:00.000-05:00

First of all, let me commend you on your free toy program. It's a fine, charitable idea that has benefited millions. However, the rules governing your allotment system have always seemed a bit vague to me, so there are a few points I'd like some clarification on.

1. What, exactly, do you mean by "naughty" and "nice"? Is this morality scale working on absolutes, or more of a relativist system where culture and environment are taken into account?

2. How far does "nice" credit accrue, and does your Christmas morning pay out accordingly? I guess what I'm really asking is, "If I do enough charity work, will you turn me into Spiderman?" Just let me know, I can make the time.

3. Speaking of credits, is rollover something we need to worry about? Does the new year start fresh, or does a certain amount of naughty/nice still apply? And does the new year start on Jan 1, or once the current year presents are delivered?

4. Do you get Christmas presents? What about your wife, and the elves? And who would deliver them to you? Taking presents to all those kids seems pretty "nice," so I imagine you must get some crazy stuff.

So when you get a chance, please clarify these points for me.* I'll be happy to write up the details in a GoogleDoc, so you can include it as a faq whenever you get a webpage going.

*Please note that answers to these questions do not constitute a gift.

Awkward Garden

2010-12-17T11:16:00.000-05:00

I have nothing against Olive Garden: it's tasty, it's reasonable, and the level of service is pretty consistent. For chain restaurants, you can't do much better. If you said "How about hitting up the OG for dinner?" I'd probably say "yes," if only because I love Andes mints.*

But I'd feel weird about it.

I always feel a little uncomfortable in that place, because it occupies the center of a social nexus. OG is a chain, and a corporate entity, but steps its presentation up a notch from most in that field. I mean we all know the place isn't a "real" Italian restaurant, but any given 'Garden is definitely a classier experience than your average Applebee's or Chili's. And that's exactly why it's so weird.

If I walk in wearing jeans and a t-shirt, I feel like I should be more dressed up. If I walk in dressed up, I feel awkward sitting in the waiting area next to a guy in overalls. Which one of us is inappropriately dressed, Olive Garden? If this was a burger joint it'd be no big deal—the relaxed motif would give us level protocol ground. But your bottles of wine and stone exterior have forced me to shuffle my feet, wishing I'd shaved before I left the house.

*Which is why I love going there with people who don't like them.

And the Fury

2010-12-10T15:56:00.000-05:00

Live music is like the movie "Chicken Run." I never feel motivated to watch it, but once I do I'm surprised how much I enjoy the experience.

Some would say that live performance is definitive, that recording and replaying is a hollow, lifeless imitation. I'll save that intellectual position for the guys at the poetry jams who walk up to the mic and say "this is not my voice, this is an electronic interpretation of my voice." Those guys would know better about the supposed purity of live performance, and are more comfortable being immediately disliked.

But there is something special about seeing someone play their own music, and I don't know that it has much to do with the sound itself.

-As with sports, martial arts demonstrations, and dances, being reminded what human beings are capable of is pretty incredible. When you listen to a recording, that simply doesn't register the same way: you are dealing with the sound alone, not the sound and the person making it.
-It's hard to be a jerk in person. When you only encounter the art and not the artist, you can be more critical. Listening live robs you of that emotional distance.
-Watching someone sing their music, like hearing a person read their writing, lets you in on the subtle inflections and body language they use. A lot of people say that Citizen Cope, for instance, doesn't write enough lyrics, instead endlessly repeating his choruses. It wasn't until I saw him live that I realized he uses lyrics like a mantra, a point of meditation that he repeats in a trance state.

But not all art forms have the option for live versions. There are book readings, but they aren't common. Movies and TV let us see the actors involved, but no one else, and since we're not in the same room as any of them it isn't the same. Even in a restaurant, the chef generally stays in the kitchen. Music, then, is fairly unique in that we have so many opportunities to encounter the people responsible for it.*

*Unless you count Twitter.

And then nap.

2010-12-03T17:52:00.000-05:00

As we've discussed before, cats are like tiny superheroes. For their particular environment, they are the most incredible physical creature to be found.

But I guess, when your life includes the constant threat of being snuggled by a larger being, who fails to recognize what a terrifying predator you are, karma has to send some serious stuff your way.

And that's why the best part of having a cat is watching it flip the hell out for no particular reason. If they weren't so fast, sleek, and agile, cats hitting their regular crazy time would just look kind of desperate and scary. But the incredible gifts nature has given them turn those tiny kitty brain fluxes into pure hilarity.

So much happens so fast when your cat goes nuts, it's primal hunter brain suddenly turning on and venting all the stored energy of sleeping 19 hours a day. Generally it goes something like this:

"What's that noise? I haven't been in the other room in a while. This room is weird, I should go back to that other room. Is there something under the floor? I have a TAIL! There's that noise again! What if the carpet were lava? JUMP!"*

*Which constitutes about a quarter of a second of a cat's "buggin' out" time.

Traveling through Time Trax

2010-11-26T22:59:00.001-05:00

The best part of Netflix and Hulu is not that they provide vast riches of content, but how they serve as media time-capsules. Digging through their collective libraries is a bizarre and wonderful way to pour over cultural touchstones of your youth: the good, the bad, the incredibly bizarre . . . all there together.

They have POLE POSITION! Yeah, you forgot about that, didn't you? They took a video game where you drove a car on a race track and somehow extrapolated a story about kids solving crimes with their artificially intelligent cars.

The 80's really had a thing for human/machine stories like that. I know you're going "Knight Rider" right now, but I'm not going to let you. I'm gonna make you think about Airwolf, and realize that it actually wasn't awesome. No. It was garbage, and you loved it as much as I did.

And speaking of disappointing: Inspector Gadget. Remember what a great show that was? Yeah, only it wasn't. That animation must have cost them tens of dollars to produce.

I think we need to cleanse the palate here, so your head doesn't swim too much from all these let-downs. While you can't find much of the series, there is an Animaniacs movie on Netflix, and it holds up quite well. Fun, light-hearted comedy that's surprisingly sophisticated for a kids show. Just amazing. I'm adding the DVD's to my wishlist right now.

Jim Henson's the Storyteller? Oh yeah, we've got all that. The weird thing is that I've remembered the pilot episode, in detail, ever since I saw the original broadcast. It's about a guy who gives away his last biscuit and gets a magic sack that he uses to get a bunch of demons out of a castle and then later trap death . . . who's this little white bald thing, for some reason? I don't know what to tell you, but please watch it, I need it to be bouncing around someone else's head too, so I don't feel (as) crazy.*

*I'm honestly just glad I have evidence that this episode is real, and aired on television. I stopped talking about it because most people thought I'd dreamed it.

Ok, so Harry Potter 7, part WHAT.

2010-11-19T17:57:00.000-05:00

I made it out to the midnight showing of Harry Potter 7, Part 1 last night, which is really the ideal scenario for properly enjoying a franchise dripping with hardcore fans. The environment was buzzing with enthusiasm for the latest installment, creating an audience that I knew would be reacting to every little nuance of the what the crap was that trailer? Are they really making a movie called "Cowboys and Aliens"? Seriously?*

In many ways, book seven is the hardest treatment to tackle, even when broken into two parts. Pacing is always an issue when the leisurely stroll of a novel has to be boiled into three hours or less, and that's especially a problem with Deathly Hallows, where much of that stroll is three characters going camping and trying to figure out what to do. Overall though, I think the film adaptation does a good was that Daniel Craig? That was Daniel Craig right? I mean Harrison Ford, fine, after Indy 4 he might as well do a "Cowboys and Aliens," but Daniel Craig has plenty of career and integrity left. What is he doing?

The reason Potter 7-1 holds up is that it uses not only action beats to keep things moving, but also I mean Stephen Speilburg isn't that surprising, he'd put aliens in a movie about ancient Rome, he puts aliens on his cereal every morning. Remarkably, the writers occasionally do Rowling's characters more justice than she does, and manage to I just kept waiting for that trailer to become a joke. I sat there waiting for the gag moment, where one of the aliens would burp or something, but it never happened.

So, in summary I HAVE NO IDEA what happened in Deathly Hallows, part 1.

*REALLY?

Photosensitive

2010-11-12T13:01:00.000-05:00

I think Wikipedia is pretty cool, in general, and I'd say I use it on a daily basis. Despite the rolled eyes of so many who say it's unreliable since anyone can edit it, Wikipedia offers a ton of information, with citations, and it's the only place you can go read an in depth article on light saber fighting styles.

That being the case, I'm thinking I'll probably donate this year in their annual fund raising drive, as requested by the appeal mentioned above.

But . . . I have to ask . . . what the hell is with that picture*?

Why is he so serious? Is that supposed to show us how desperate he is for our donations? I'm not sure I want to see that every time I want to look up the list of 30 Rock episodes. It kinda makes me uncomfortable, him up there staring at me.

"Come on Sam. Hit the link. You're always here looking up processor models, and you never contribute a thing."

And maybe that's the problem right there, it seems like he might have his "Dad face" on.

"I'm not angry that you're reading about locations in the Harry Potter books. I'm disappointed."

Actually, now that I look at it a little closer, he just looks uncomfortable. I think maybe Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales just really needs to pee. They should replace the text on the picture with that in mind.

Please read:
A personal appeal from
Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales
who refuses to go to the bathroom until you donate.

*John Ritter's cousin is constipated. Please give Wikipedia some money.

Wonderful Wizard of OP

2010-11-05T20:45:00.000-04:00

Running a Minecraft server has been fun, but it's also brought about some of the weirdest instant messages I've ever received. Being an "op" (short for "operator") means that I've agreed to play god to this digital world, balancing out the bugs in a universe's early Alpha version. As such, the people inhabiting that reality occasionally offer up their "prayers," by which I mean "Google Chats," requesting my intervention.

What do they ask for? Here are some examples:

Oct 16 -

I am trapped

I am deep, out of picks

and even though I lit the way

I cannot find my way out

Oct 31-
Ok, time to turn the monsters off now
they spawn like crazy now
you cannot get away or even have a chance

Nov.5-

please warp me somewhere

I fell out the bottom of the world and am stuck

I doubt the Minecraft developers realize what a strange religious experiment they've created- much the same way Eve Online has become an unlikely political microcosm. But it seems appropriate that all the op's powers are wielded through the talk command, literally speaking to effect changes in the world.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm going mad with power here, but keep in mind: I CAN CREATE INFINITE DYNAMITE.*

*The wise man builds his house upon the rock, the foolish man builds his house upon the sand. The man who builds his house out of dynamite . . . your op is keeping an eye on him, just keep your distance.

Unique Individuals

2010-10-29T12:30:00.000-04:00

The thing is, a lot of those birds don't even seem all that angry.

I mean yeah, that yellow bird, he's mad. He might be a bit too mad in fact, like maybe this whole egg situation is just a convenient excuse for him to vent some unresolved issues. So I guess that's legitimate anger, even if it's less about those pigs and more about his relationship with his father.

Red bird might be a little angry, but mostly he seems to be there out of a sense of obligation. I've got a feeling yellow bird talked him into it, calling him a coward and stuff like that until he grudgingly agreed to come along.

But blue bird? Blue bird isn't angry because blue bird has no idea what's going on. And he never has. He honestly just saw that big slingshot and, in his compromised state, thought it sounded like fun. Either that or yellow bird promised him some Cheeto's.

You could make the case that black bird is angry, he certainly seems to enjoy his role in all of this. But that's the thing, he enjoys it. I think black bird may simply be a psychopath. He's going to blow something up no matter what, this is just a good opportunity.

White bird seems like he's just scared out of his mind. White bird just wants to go home, and flies away with genuine relieve each time his attack is done.* Yellow bird threatened him, that's the only explanation.

Green bird is pretty clearly a weirdo. He's basically that kid from school who would occasionally show up wearing one of his mom's hats, or something. And he wouldn't explain or even reference it, cause he just loved that everyone found it strange. I'm not even sure what he's doing here, probably just knew it was good public place to show off how much of a weirdo he is. He's going to grow some kind of crazy mustache, trust me on this.

*Also, does anyone else find it weird that he drops eggs? I mean, isn't the whole point that they're trying to save eggs? How many eggs is it okay for him to plop on the ground in the service of saving the stolen ones?

Tree of Knowledge (Beta)

2010-10-22T23:16:00.000-04:00

So . . . how can I NOT talk about Minecraft this week.

Minecraft is an independently developed game about exploring a gigantic open world. The graphics are simple and blocky, but what it lacks up close it makes up for in sheer scope.

This is a world that goes forever. You can walk and swim as far as you want, and the game will keep generating new space for you to inhabit.

And that's why you can get incredibly lost.

But the game's vastness isn't just on the surface. By combining the materials you collect you can create new objects, from simple picks and shovels to torches that can be flipped on and off with a wall switch. And all of it is only the beginning.

Minecraft is currently in "alpha" state, the software equivalent of a rough draft. By the time it's finished there's no telling the kinds of things that will be possible. I just hope the future versions are compatible with the world we've been at work on.

That's right, "we." I knew as soon as I saw Minecraft that it was something I wanted as a multiplayer experience, so I setup my own server for the game. And gradually various friends came to it, knocking on my IP address and asking if they could live on the spare desktop in my home office.

And just look at what they've built:

The last few constitute the beginnings of "town," the area we're working on together. It's been amazing watching the work of individuals gradually come together to refine this virtual place. With complete authorial power over the landscape, we are gradually making it our own.

Given the incomplete state of the software, I can't help but think of it as a kind of digital Eden. Though the magnitude of it all is impressive, the rules governing the world are strange and incomplete. An update to the server software would represent an incredible shift in reality. One update in particular.

In any place of darkness, monsters spawn. For now they offer no threat, since all damage is turned off in the server software until the bugs with it are worked out. When that gets changed, original sin comes to our world, and we will need to be ready.

*Hehe, I made a big tower.

Radio Silence

2010-10-15T11:24:00.000-04:00

I'm not trying to be antisocial. That's not what this is.

I just don't understand the desire to chatter on, ensuring that the sound of talking fills every single moment of life, even the somewhat awkward moments like this one. Can't this just be a little personal time? Can't we just stand here in silent reflection for this one moment during the day?

And anyway, isn't it the least bit weird for you to talk right now? Shouldn't you have other, more important things to focus on? I mean I know the process is fairly automatic, but anything that can go wrong deserves your attention, no matter how simple or familiar it is. Why don't you handle that situation, and we'll talk afterwards?

Because again, it's not an antisocial thing. I'm not Mmhmm-ing your little quips because I don't like you, or even don't want to talk to you.

I just don't want to talk to you at a urinal.*

*Also, why are you always in here when I am? Do you pee like, thirty times a day? Or are we just on eerily similar whiz-schedules.

Storytime!

2010-10-08T12:38:00.000-04:00

Andrew was . . . well, Andrew was a monster.

Now, when I say that, I don't mean that Andrew was "monstrous." He did not commit monstrous acts. He did not hurt people. I don't mean it that way.

No, when I say that Andrew was a monster, I mean that he was nine feet tall, green, had rows of horns growing down his back, and had enormous dinosaur-like claws for hands and feet.

I guess you'd say that I mean "monster" in the "literal" sense.

I'm explaining this up front for a reason, because otherwise you'd go through this story thinking that he was a regular human being. There are a couple of things that might make you get that impression:

1. Andrew lived across the hall from me. Like in an apartment. An apartment just like mine. Nine foot tall green guy, getting up everyday and hitting that light switch with his terrifying claw.

2. No one but me ever seemed to notice that Andrew was a monster. I mean he knew of course. It's hard to miss the fact that the whole world is designed around creatures who cannot crush tree trunks like they were aluminum cans and do not eternally smoulder. I don't know what the rest of the world's problem was. When I see an enormous creature down the street, with glowing eyes and breathing that sounds like thunderclaps, I don't wonder if he played college football. I wonder where I'm going to hide.

3. As a direct result of #2, Andrew had a job and did many things that a normal person would do. He simply did them with the added challenge of being a natural abomination.

Amazing Gamer Blogs!

2010-10-01T20:45:00.000-04:00

Paperboy (1984) was quite an experience.

I'm sure it was an easy sell to most parents: a nice wholesome game about delivering newspapers-very TV Land. But the gentle motif and cartoony cover art of a happy kid tossing out papers doesn't communicate several realities about the game:

1. It's positively teeming with bizarre crap, painting a typical suburban street as a terrifying death trap.
2. It leads you to run your paper route in gangster fashion, keeping your customers in line while punishing those who aren't on your side.
3. It is brutally difficult, the way only games of that era are. It demands precision control, timing, and reflexes, and there are multiple ways to fail.

So let's start by going over the many ways you can die in Paperboy.

You can run into fences, trees, skateboarders, dogs, break dancers (it was the 80's) and children on big wheels. Sounds normal enough right?

You can also be run over by a car, hit by a runaway lawn mower, or fall down an open manhole. Each day you also have to cross 2 streets, which are used exclusively by speeding motorcyclists who seem to have no regard for human life.

Think that all seems a little weird?

You can also be beaten by crazy old women, some of whom are your subscribers, when they come running after you with rolling pins. Also, random tiny tornadoes will sometime chase you down the street. Oh, and then there's Death* himself. Yeah, the Grim Reaper. He's there, just hanging out, and will personally come to collect your soul.

WHAT STREET IS THIS!?

Not content to make you dodge the afterlife at every turn, Paperboy also made you attend to your crappy job whipping newspapers. And you'd better do it right, because the required subscriber number goes up everyday, and the customers are picky. If that paper isn't on the doorstep or directly in the mailbox, even for one day, then forget it. Apparently having the news isn't worthwhile if it takes any extra effort. And don't you dare think about breaking a window . . .

. . . unless, of course, it's on a red "non-subscriber" house (and yeah, apparently canceling your newspaper sub puts you into a weird place, and you paint your whole house red overnight). You get extra points for every broken window or damaged piece of property in a non-subscriber yard, so feel free to pepper those houses with random throws. They dropped their subscription, and deserve to suffer.

And if you manage to dodge death in your little nightmare world, plus keep enough of those picky customers happy for a full week**, you know what you get? Your name in the paper. That's it.**

Paperboy in summary: Work is hard and punishing, no one appreciates you and even inanimate objects are out to get you. Good luck, sucker.

*In addition, a lot of the houses seem to have tombstones in front of them. The game is weirdly morbid.

**And what happens the next week? Does the subscriber limit keep going up, until the poor kid is run ragged delivering papers to most of the developed world?

***A fact I know because of my father, the only person I know who has beaten the game.

Maybe not the answer you were looking for

2010-09-24T15:40:00.000-04:00

-Ugh, Mondays. Can't we just fast forward to the weekend?

-Yes.

-What?

-Yes, we can "fast forward" to the weekend. Using an unholy machine built with reckless abandon for the laws of nature, or failing that an ancient deity who's very name warps the dimensions of this reality, we can corrupt all the temporal space between now and Friday at 5PM. Doing so will extract an unfathomable amount of the finite energy, leaving us in a threadbare universe that seems poisoned to its core. Humanity will shamble about, forever certain that something is wrong but too drained of life force to recognize the change, let alone foolishly attempt to fix it.

But then maybe I'm taking you too literally. Since the names of our days and the length of a week are mostly arbitrary, we could just "fast forward" by collectively declaring today "Friday," so that the weekend would begin immediately. Of course, all human industry and endeavors rest soundly on widely accepted standards of time, so throwing out the better part of a work week would have devastating consequences for economies world wide. The monetary and employment repercussions would likely be felt for generations.

So yeah, we could jump ahead to Friday, if that would make you happy. Just decide what you're more comfortable with: destroying our already delicate economic systems or leaving everything that will ever be to float in a sea of un-time.

Oh, and in either case, the ultimate punchline is that you won't be any happier. With nothing but leisure time, you'll drift about without purpose, unable to appreciate free time with no work to give it value.

-Why aren't you normal?

-No idea.*

*Seriously, none.

What you actually need to know about working in IT support

2010-09-17T17:03:00.000-04:00

1. Never set up a client's computer without getting them to decide where they want everything. No matter how logical you think a setup is, the client will invariably want it arranged a completely different way.
2. Always carry a keyboard, hard drive, or pci device with you when you walk around the building. It's a simple way to communicate the message, "I'm very busy working with things you don't understand, no matter how many computer game boxes you may occasionally see on my desk."

3. Always face your monitors away from the door, so no one see you slacking off with a computer game.*

4. Never let you office get completely cleared of spare equipment. Once it's empty, people will begin dropping off their old stuff and your office will fill right back up. Spread things out so that there's just enough space to move around, and no one can use you as a junkyard.

5. Always have ear buds and something to listen to. You're going to spend a certain amount of time in people's offices, and if you have to listen to them chatting up co-workers about how they don't like Mondays, they wish it was the weekend, and what they may or may not do for dinner, you will go crazy.

6. Always write your blog posts on company time.

*Not that I've ever done this. Ever.

Riddle.exe

2010-09-10T16:47:00.000-04:00

A lot of education is disposing of the "magic" of things.

When we look at a vast field of study that we don't understand, our natural reaction is to treat it as un-understandable—so great and complex that it might as well be arcane in nature. You hear a scientist giving a lecture, you shake your head at terms and concepts you don't get. You watch a martial artist break a board, and without an understanding of the technique (and the relatively low strength of pine when pressure is applied that way) it seems like he's done the impossible. You read a book, you wonder where the author gets his ideas.

So when you teach, you work to convince the student that there is no "magic," that even very complex ideas can be grasped, wrangled, and tamed. In effect, all teachers teach their students the same thing: how very much we are all capable of.

The problem with teaching people about computers, though, is that (as much as I hate to admit it) they actually have a lot in common with magic.

Where else but in computer code do words have such immediate power? A web address might as well be "abracadabra" or "lumos" for all that it can bring you. But since, on a low level, all the words are translated into numbers, perhaps we're really talking about arithmancy.* I imagine Professor Vector of Hogwarts would have done just as well at MIT, had she chosen that path. And since computers are so literal, so bound by the code that runs them, they can wait for a thousand years, a latter day Sphinx, for the right response.

*No wonder gesture-based controls keep getting explored. We feel like we should be using wands.

The Moratorium

2010-09-03T22:20:00.000-04:00

A few things that we need to put an end to in media:*

Things named Pandora - We need to cut this one off right now. It was bad enough when Splinter Cell came up with its ridiculous sequel title, but now it's also in Avatar, in Borderlands, and also an internet music service. It's been done guys, you're not clever by naming something Pandora. Not everything can unleash all the evils of mankind, sorry.

Greek Letters - Hey, you learned something from being in a fraternity! Awesome. Guess what? People have been using those for a really long time. And I mean a really long time. You have been preempted by math. But I'll give you a free pass on "alpha" and "delta," since those can be in reference to a phonetic alphabet. Oh, that reminds me, you've also been preempted by the word "alphabet."

Plots to kill all the world leaders - Why does every supervillian think this will "throw the world into chaos"? Do all the nations of the world have absolutely no contingency plans for the loss of their leaders? I feel pretty confident that most political structures of any complexity aren't relying on a single "keystone" human life.

Plots that will "Unite the World" - It's great that you want to make your villain sympathetic, but can't you do better than "I only did it to unite Earth"? I've got news for you, bad crap happens all the time, and the world doesn't unite. There's no uniting at all. We just keep on fighting.

*Also, blog posts that are just lists of thing. That has to stop.

Progression

2010-08-27T20:47:00.000-04:00

When Hulu announced their Plus plan, I heard the same conversation at least 3 times.

"Hulu Plus still has ads? I'm not paying to watch ads!"

"Well you've paid for cable right? And that has ads."

"Oh yeah . . . "

I think we'd have to score that exchange:

Haters: 1

Keepin' it Real: 0

But it is weird, when you think about it, paying someone to show you ads. So why do we accept it so willingly with cable TV?

The fact is, for a long time most media was one-way communication. There was no way for viewers to give feedback, to stop one show and go to another. Ads could be a part of the experience because the users had no other choice.

But the internet is all about choice, it's entirely driven by the choices of the viewer. So once something is online, we have different expectations about how it's presented.

How interesting then, that Hulu (which is owned by TV Networks) contains traditional ads, while other services like Netflix Instant (which is in the DVD business, where users have more control of the content) do not.

I think this is called a paradigm shift.

I might have made most of these up

2010-08-20T17:42:00.000-04:00

You may know that a 50th anniversary traditionally means a gift of gold, while the 25th is silver. And you may even know that paper is for a one-year anniversary. But did you know that there are even sub-year gift designations?

1 year-paper anniversary
9 months-ice cream
6 months-fish
3 months-coffee mug
1 month-silly dance
3 weeks-bread
2 weeks-action figure
1 week-compliment
1 day-funny joke
12 hours-compliment
1 hour-wave
30 minutes-fist pound
1 minute - high five*

*Usually while walking out of the church, that's why you never see it. But watch the time closely during the reception, you'll see the bride and groom discretely fist pound.

Buggin' OUT!

2010-08-13T12:21:00.000-04:00

I don't think I need to justify my position if I say that "kittens are adorable." Most of the internet that you're using to read these words is supported by a solid tier of cute feline content, and most modern routers are built with a protocol that prioritizes kitty media and pushes it out on its own frequency.

Ok, that last bit I probably made up.

But I've realized something from watching these two grow up:

One of the reasons that kittens are so cute is that they're basically little superheroes. Like Peter Parker waking up the morning after the spider bite, kittens come into this world with incredible powers that they have absolutely no idea how to use.* In a few months, a kitten will become the dominant predator of its environment—fast, agile, stealthy, adaptable—the complete package. As a species, it's clear that house cats have done a bit of min-maxing, sacrificing intelligence and size for a comprehensive suite of movement abilities. Then there's the heightened hearing, night vision, retractable climbing claws—superheroes wish they had that kind of tech. The only reason cats can't shoot webs is that they used up their last ability slot with that thing where they flip over in mid-air.

But until a kitten gains control over their powers, they're basically just little hilarity factories.
Jumping up onto the pass-through window for the first time? Not quite buddy!
Taking a hair-pin turn around a door frame? Bonk! Mew!
What just went "splash"? Oh, right, left the toilet open.

Lesson learned kitten.

*With great power comes great responsibility. And here, that responsibility is defined as "end the lives of as many bugs as possible."

Na-na-naaa, Na-na-naaa, Na-na-naaaaaaa

2010-08-06T20:01:00.001-04:00

If you were born after 1987, you likely never saw a movie called "The Never Ending Story."

If you were born between 1975 and 1987, you likely gasped when you read the sentence above.

If you were born before 1975, you likely just wondered why anyone would gasp over that weird, awful children's movie.

Stories that involve escapism tend to wield a powerful hold (with big, strong hands I guess), and this is an escapist story about the escapism of stories, so if you saw the movie when you were the right age to identify with Bastian then I guess you're bound to love it.

Now as it happens, we live in the future, so if you'd like to experience a cultural fixture of the "NES Generation" (and here I'm using that to stand for both "Never Ending Story" and "Nintendo Entertainment System") you may do so right now on YouTube. Go on. It's ok. I'll just be here, deconstructing my childhood beat-for-beat.

Some thoughts on watching the film now, all these years later.

I know I said it was "awful," and it kinda is, but to be fair there's some good stuff here. First of all, when Bastian says "I had another dream Dad, about Mom," there's a pretty incredible emotional beat. We don't need any more explanation. One line into the movie and we instantly know who this kid is, what he's dealing with, and how strained his relationship with his father is. That's eloquence itself. And you know what really brings it home? Gerald McRaney, there in the background, stopping right before cracking that egg. That pause sells the whole moment.

That being said . . . does Bastian's dad really crack an egg into a blender full of orange juice, then drink it? Ugh. So gross. And while we're on the subject, doesn't it seem like a lot of 80's movies had scenes with a character drinking raw eggs? I know Rocky did, and I'm thinking maybe the older brother in Goonies as well. Was that how you showed that a character was a big strong guy back then?

Another aspect of NES that really stands up is the large scale puppetry. Before I revisited the movie I doubted whether Morla, Rock Biter, and Gmork were going to look as good as I remembered, but they're all stunning even today.

Generally I'm not in the "it was better the way they used to do it," "old man shaking his fist" camp, but I have to admit that CG versions of those characters wouldn't be as good as these. The designer's craftsmanship was simply too fine, their work too polished by the challenges of physical materials.

But um . . . Falcor I do have to take up with them. He um . . . He looks kind of phallic okay I said it now let's move on.

Of course I couldn't mention those enormous characters without giving a nod to the excellent actors that gave them voices. Or rather, actor. Yeah, they were all done by the same guy, Alan Oppenheimer, and if the NES Genners will take a moment to review the man's resume, I think they'll find that they love him dearly.*

One final tidbit about the film, it left an interesting linguistic mark on the NES generation. I have always thought of an "oracle" as a statue. The whole time I was reading about the "Oracle at Delphi" in Greek mythology, I imagined it as a big stone carving. But it wasn't, the Oracle at Delphi was a person as oracles usually are. So why do the NES Genners get it wrong? Because they were introduced to the word by The Never Ending Story, which includes a "Southern Oracle" that's represented by a pair of huge statues.

*Because he was also Skeletor!

Random Play All (over again)

2010-07-30T18:57:00.001-04:00

-There are certain word combinations that are very difficult to say, and make you sound as though your tongue has gone numb. I call these "Numb Tongue Terms."

One example of a "Numb Tongue Term" is the phrase "Numb Tongue Term."

-Take NyQuil if you want to sleep. Take DayQuil if you want to stay awake. Take both if you want to see some crazy ****!

-Why does Jack Johnson come up on my Pandora station no matter what I start it with? Does Jack Johnson own Pandora? Or are his songs some kind of musical nexus, the perfect average of all sound?

-If you search Google for "jkekuii8377 -0-0=====cklsjk n\\\]" it should come up with
Did you mean: how do I keep my cat off of my keyboard?

-Dog fighting is a hideous, barbaric practice. Puppy fighting, on the other hand, is hilarious and the puppies don't even get hurt-in fact they have a really good time. So we just need a way to score puppy fighting so that idiots can gamble on it.

-The Mac versus PC debate, Playstation/Xbox/Wii debate, and all other format debates have ended. The winner in each was "Shut Up."

-Know why everyone talks about iPhones and Android Phones, but no one seems to talk about Palm Pilots anymore? Cause somethings just go out of stylus.*

*I'm sorry

I need some answers.

2010-07-23T23:19:00.003-04:00

To walk through a toy store now, you'd think that Lego is nothing but a branding template.

Those little bricks can be formed into anything, but apparently the most profitable thing to make with them is Star Wars ships and Harry Potter sets.

And I guess I can't really talk, having recently added a Lego Star Destroyer to my Amazon wish list. I get why people would enjoy combining their favorite franchise with toy bricks, and I get that they've got a business to run.

But for me, and for many people of my generation. Lego meant something else.

Lego meant Futuron.

Lego meant the monorail.

This set represented one of the best Christmas presents of my young life. I can't tell you how many times since I've heard someone say "You had the monorail? I always wanted the monorail."*

Yet when I watch that video, I don't feel nostalgic. I don't think about my own set, buried somewhere in a trunk in my parent's basement.

I think something else entirely.

"Wow, that base makes no sense."

Why, exactly, would those two little outposts need a monorail? First of all, there's only two of them. If you only need to connect two places, you don't make a loop. You make a line. Because that's what makes sense.

Second, why does the loop go so far out on either side? I'm fairly sure that any one of those little yellow dudes could just walk over to the other base faster than they could ride the train.

It's like if we were designing a transport system between New York City and Atlanta, and we decided that the most efficient method would be a big circle of freeway that went through Missouri on one side, and out into the Atlantic ocean on the other.

And another thing, why is that one base so tall? There's barely any room to stand up there, let alone unload crap from a train car. I've seen painters scaffoldings that were positively roomy by comparison.

Look Lego, these are pressing questions. Put down the tiny plastic wands you're designing, set aside the video games, and make me a new monorail that's some kind of reasonable.

. . . also more Blacktron and Space Police. Thanks.

*If it makes anyone feel any better, that set was a double edged sword. It was easily the most fragile and difficult to fix set I ever played with.

Sam OS

2010-07-16T18:45:00.007-04:00

:listen.exe "Want to have lunch today?" -gary

Loading context file "gary" from memory . . . . . . . done

Beginning scan . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Grammatical structure: acceptable

Sarcasm: clear

Emotional content: neutral

Video game references: none

Alterations to normal speech pattern that could indicate an early zombie virus infection: clean

Beginning response calculation . . . .

Checking original statement for . . .

"That's what she said" jokes: no valid interpretation

"Your mom" jokes: 1 candidate "Your mom wants to have lunch today."

Accessing candidate . . . . 2% humor

Recommended action: abandon

Checks complete.

Weighing decision: approved

Suggested response: "Okay"

Checking response candidate for joke counter-statements . . . approved:statement is white-listed

speak.exe "Okay"

end*

--------------------------------

Sam: Okay

Gary: Why does it always take you so long to answer?*

Sam: . . . . . Why does it always take your mom so long to answer?

*Ever see a crazy person muttering to himself? That's what happens when you don't terminate your code.

ring (again)

2010-07-09T16:46:00.003-04:00

*ring*

-Hello?

-Hello sir, I'm calling from Charter Communications. Did you know that we now offer phone service in addition to cable?

-Really? That's interesting. Did you know that cell phones were invented a long time ago?

-I, uh, excuse me?

-Cell phones. They're like hard line phones, except they're not completely obsolete. All the land line benefits, none of the drawbacks. You can put one in your pocket and carry it anywhere, it's great!

-Well, sir, a cell phone may be "great" for when you're on-the-go, but we can offer you a line directly to your home . . .

-Yeah, see, when I'm at home I still use my cell. It doesn't stop working when I walk through the door. That's a factor your company probably should've thought about before expanding their operation into this gasping, outdated technology.

-But, wouldn't you like to have a hard line as a backup? What if your cell phone isn't working?

-Hmmm, interesting thought. Maybe I should get a "backup" phone line. And while you're at it, can you get me an abacus just in case my calculator stops working? Oh wait, my calculator, much like my cell, pretty much always works.

-But what if your cell phone battery goes dead?

-Well . . . yeah, I guess then I could use a hard line phone.

-Exactly.

-Course I'd have to be at home to do that, and if I'm at home I could always, you know, PLUG MY CELLPHONE IN.

-But what if there's some kind of natural disaster, and the cell towers are down? What are you going to do then?

-Ok, let me see if I understand your hypothetical situation here. There's been a natural disaster of some magnitude, and despite being violent enough to bring down all the cell towers near my home, it hasn't affected the hard lines at all. And these are the same hard lines that go out whenever there's so much as a bad thunderstorm. Is that what you're proposing?

-Well, . . . it may sound unlikely, but it could happen. You never know.

-Of course it could. But I'm still not sure I want to pay a few hundred dollars a year as insurance against whatever alien signal-jamming orb that'd be required for that incredibly specific, unlikely scenario.

-Oh but it's not so expensive, I can get you a phone line very cheaply by bundling it with your cable tv service.

-I don't have TV service.*

-You don't? Did you know that Charter offers more high-resomolution HD channels . . .

-Really? That's interesting, did you know that Netflix and Hulu exist?

-*click*

*So I pay a monthly fee for the service, and nearly one-third of it is ads. And I can only see the shows at certain times, unless I want to set something up to capture them. And even then I can only watch them at home.

It only made sense when there was no alternative.

A Thoughtful Review of Some Atari 2600 Game Art

2010-07-02T19:48:00.010-04:00

Artists for Atari 2600 game boxes were basically professional liars.

I mean I don't fault them for it, certainly pasting the box with a picture of the actual graphics wouldn't have done much to move those cartridges. I understand they had to spice it up a little, sell the sizzle to sell the sausage.*

But that being said, they took this:

And resolved it to this:

That . . . that is something of a jump, sir. I believe you may have misled a few purchasers of your product with that on the cover.

Combat, one of my first favorite games, committed similar sins with its rather artistic interpretation:

I can assure you, from first hand experience, that the actual game did not quite capture the excitement implied above. And by "not quite," I mean this:

Some games tried to be honest, though, and included at least a bit of the actual game on the box. The most notable example is Pac-Man:

But that juxtaposition of art and game just shows how really, truly bizarre the "narrative" is here. Seriously, what kind of drug-induced stupor led to this generational icon? A yellow thing that tries to eat a bunch of pellets, all the while being chased by ghosts, except sometimes he gets the right kind of pellet and can eat the ghosts so they turn into floating eyeballs.

And sometimes there's fruit.

Pac-Man is a lot like the original "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." Only when you go back to it after years of fond memories do you realize that it was all just someone's acid trip.

Of course, no conversation of 2600 games would be complete without the most notorious (-ly bad) of them all, "E.T.". Strangely, I find this to be the most genuine box art of the era:

Just look at their faces. Those blank, droopy eyes. The hopeful, yet confused gaze. That's truth in advertising, itself

Because that's exactly what you look like while playing that game.

"Buzz Aldrin has lost his sandwich, prepare to . . . fire a circle at some blocks."

Whisper media

2010-06-25T00:29:00.003-04:00

It's rude to whisper.

Why? Well that part is complicated.

It's obvious why it's rude to burp: you're subjecting people to something they don't want to hear.

It's obvious why it's rude to interrupt someone: you're treating them as though they are unimportant, and being disrespectful.

But whispering to the person next to you isn't doing either of those things. You're not subjecting the group to anything, and you're not interfering with their speaking.

Some would say that whispering is rude because it gives the impression that you're talking about another person in the room. But that theory doesn't hold up, because we have a similar negative reaction to any "1 to 1" communication in a public venue, even if the communication isn't "whispered," or otherwise obscured.

For instance, it's rude to discuss topics that the group isn't in on. Even though everyone can hear the discussion, and are free to talk amongst themselves, they take it personally that a private conversation is going on in their presence. The classic example of this is "shop-talk," where people that work together talk about their jobs in social settings.

The real problem, then, isn't one of paranoia. It's an issue of "us" and "them."

When you "whisper," you draw a line in the social sand. By creating private communication in the midst of public communication, you inadvertently create a class structure. You've made a distinction between people, which is something people often resent.

Which brings me, quite naturally, to the Walkman.

Technology provides lots of new opportunities for 1:1 communication, and each time a new one pops up we have to reconcile it socially. When cell phones became common there was something of a backlash against them, if you used your cell in public people thought you were self-important.

Portable music devices (which, as time goes on, are also portable video devices) are an interesting case of 1:1 communication. Traditionally, entertainment has been communal in nature because the only efficient way to send it out was to a group. But as technology advances, entertainment has become more personal.*

And I wonder how we'll reconcile it.

*Except for reading, which has always been a 1:1 thing. Imagine how bad it must have been when the skill of reading became common! Not only was a person engaging in a 1:1 communication, it was a form of expression that many people couldn't interpret.

My Experience Watching the Sony E3 2010 Press Conference, Explained with the Medical "Pain Scale"

2010-06-18T17:55:00.001-04:00

	Oh boy, the Sony E3 Press Conference! I'm hoping to see some cool games for Playstation Move, some new Team ICO content, maybe even a PSP2! This is gonna be one heck of a show!
	Okay, some 3D stuff. I don't really care about 3D, and it costs way too much for a 3D rig right now. But I guess that's cool, they're trying new things.
	Alright, Playstation Move time! Let's see some titles! A wizard game? Hmmm, looks a little rough, but that's a good concept. What else you got? Oh . . . golf.
	Wow, golf demo is still going huh? I mean it's not even a new game, just a patch for a current game. Uh huh, you swing the thing and it moves the other thing, we got it. Thanks.
	Here we go! New game announcement! "Heroes on the Move" So it's like a Smash Brothers for Playstation? That's a great ide . . . oh it's over already. So, . . . no real details?
	And what the hell was that? They trotted out the actor from their advertising, had him rehash the opening scene of Patton, then showed us their new PSP ad campaign? Commercials? That's an announcement?! That's what you have to show?
	Little Big Planet 2 will let me make stuff. Awesome. First of all, I already knew that. Second, I want to play games, not make them. And Playstation Plus? Wow. How come the only features in it that I care about seem like the kind of thing that should be built in for free?
	Exclusive content for multi-platform games, huh? Is that the new feather in your cap? Listen. "Exclusive content" means "we signed a a deal to keep someone else from having this." It's not really a benefit to me, its a punishment for someone else. And here, "someone else" means "many of my friends."
	Do I even like video games? I can't remember anymore. There are probably better uses of my time. Maybe I should go outside . . . start Living. You know what I mean? Get myself in really goodshape, maybe go on a hike or something. That sounds nice.
	Whelp, now my brain has melted. Yup. Just mush now. Caaaaaaaaaaan't really focus. Urrrrrrrr! If I didn't know better, I'd say they were talking about a new Twisted Metal, but it's probably just a delusion brought on by two solid hours of watching Sony meander through the most boring presentation of video games ever conceived. Prediction for game of the year, 2011? The game where I bang two sticks together and laugh at the sound they make, because watching this has made me crazy.*

*But not this crazy

The FUTURE!

2010-06-11T18:38:00.004-04:00

Despite what skeptics say, it's quite clear that the Mayans predicted incredible things for the year 2012! The Mayans, as we all know, are the ultimate authority on future events, since they lived a long time ago and wrote stuff. Their findings are supported by other valid researchers, such as the Aztecs, this new age writer guy I heard about, the BCS computer rankings*, and the internet!

So what will 2012 hold for us? Find out in:

"2012, HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS"

In 2012 . . . The world will enter a golden age of humanity! But it won't matter because . . .

In 2012 . . . The world will be destroyed by a rogue planet!

In 2012 . . . The rogue planet will itself be destroyed when Earth's magnetic poles flip!

In 2012 . . . Survivors will have to throw away their compasses, or else like . . . they'll have to keep remembering that it's the other way! It will mess with people!

In 2012 . . . The magnetic reversal will catapult Earth, which will already be destroyed, through the center of the universe!

In 2012 . . . The center of the universe will immediately enter a golden age, then be destroyed by a rogue planet!

In 2012 . . . That rogue planet will be destroyed by a Mayan god!

In 2012 . . . The Mayan god will come in the form of a rogue planet!

In 2012 . . . Woooooooooooooooo!*

*Also considered a pseudoscience.

Sam's guide to weight loss: Part 5, Steady Burn

2010-06-04T22:33:00.002-04:00

"If you want something to happen, begin by creating an environment where it can happen"

That's where we started, and it's where we now end.

Are we products of our environment? Or do we get to determine who we are?

Yes. Yes to both.

Your Environment (capital E - meaning the physical and social environments around you, the environment of your physical body and health, your internal psychological environment, all of it) is always going to shape you. However, you have the power to act on that Environment.

As such, you have the power to author who you are, and who you will be. But to do it effectively, you have to let go of the idea that it's as simple as a decision.

The reason people have trouble losing weight, the reason they get so frustrated by it, is because they're trying to start a fire while standing in water. We are convinced that failure is a function of flaws, that if we can't accomplish something it's because of our own personal weaknesses.

If you are overweight, it's probably because your Environment made it easy for you to become that way. If you struggle with losing weight, it's probably because that Environment is fighting you.

And It may, in theory, be possible to overcome that Environment by sheer force of will, but isn't that demanding too much of yourself?

It may, in theory, be possible to start a fire with damp wood on wet ground. But if you tried it, you'd just wind up frustrated and dejected.

Sound familiar?

This isn't a quick fix. It's difficult*, and anyone that tries to tell you otherwise probably has something to sell. But it can be done. And you know what?

It's worth it.

*Believe me, I know it is.

Sam's guide to weight loss: Part 4, Fanning the flames

2010-05-28T18:19:00.005-04:00

I think the "Shake Weight" commercials may be definitive proof of my long-held theory:

"The exercise equipment industry is a running joke, perpetrated on the public by designers who like making people perform ridiculous physical feats."

The truth is that you don't need much at all to be in shape. You can become a perfectly healthy, fit person without spending a dime on equipment, or even a gym.

Just as with dieting, you need to let go of the idea that there's some "magic" to working out. Any physical activity burns calories, so important thing isn't finding the "most efficient way," to work out, but to find the way that works best for you. And the best way, in my opinion, is the easiest way.

"If you want to exercise, make it as easy as possible for you to do so."

Just like with eating poorly, your inactivity probably has a lot of causes that don't relate any personal defects. With many of the people I know, the real problem is that they set out on an exercise plan that are too difficult to stay motivated on.

-Don't start a plan that's too hard for you. If you aren't used to doing cardio, you're not going to be able to start running 3 miles everyday. A better plan is to run a quarter or half mile each day, then increase the distance when you feel like you've got some extra energy.

-Don't pick something that's a logistical hassle for you. Let's say you start a gym membership to lose some weight. How much time does that involve? You've got to come home from school/work, change into workout clothes, drive to the gym, do your routine, then drive home to shower and change clothes again. Even best case scenario, that's probably an extra 30 minute commitment that isn't the workout itself.

That extra hassle makes a difference. Not only do you have to be motivated enough to work out, you also have to be motivated enough to do all that extra stuff.

-Don't choose workouts that are boring! If you hate the activity, that's another motivational barrier. There are plenty of ways to exercise that you'll enjoy, or at least be able to combine with things that you enjoy.

-The "hassle" and "hate" factors can offset one another. If you like the activity, it's worth more hassle. If it's less hassle, you don't need to enjoy it as much.

So with those points in mind, I'd like you to try a very simple plan. It requires no special equipment, wastes no time with preparation, is easy on your body, and is easy to enjoy.

-Take a 45 minute walk everyday.

Doesn't seem like enough, does it? How can you ever hope to lose weight with something so simple?

Well guess what. For most people, that walk will burn around 200 calories. If you're watching your caloric intake and holding it steady, that 200 calorie difference means you're going to start dropping weight at a a nice, healthy pace.*

But maybe you have loftier goals than what a walking routine can provide. I understand. But why not start with this? It will get you used to regular activity, and the weight you lose will make any future workout programs easier on you.

A few notes before you begin:

1. Check your shoes. You'd be surprised how many aches and pains you have may be caused by worn out footwear. And since you're going to be walking more than usual, it's especially important.

2. Keep watching your calories! One of the great revelations of my dieting was that working out makes you hungrier. If you don't keep track of your calories, you end up eating more and compensating for all that exercise. One really good idea-keep some fresh carrots or other veggies around as a post workout snack.

3. Stretch after your walks. You'll be warm and loose from the activity, so it's a good time to do this. It will make you feel better and help you wind down.

4. Keep it from being boring. Take someone with you, or bring music/podcasts/audiobooks.

*Not to mention the psychological benefits.

Sam's guide to weight loss: Part 3, Ignition

2010-05-21T00:01:00.001-04:00

With your body rested, your mind aware, finally we're ready to talk more specifically about eating. First, though, we need to add one more item to awareness: knowing your estimated daily caloric intake. You can get this information from a number of sources online. They may vary a bit, but it's a ballpark number anyway. Here's one from the Mayo Clinic. Once you know what you (generally) need to maintain your weight, you can begin trying to take in a little less than that each day.

As you continue keeping a weight and food journal, you'll be able to tune your daily calories up or down based on your results. Important piece of advice here: you shouldn't be losing more than a couple of pounds per week. Any more than that is unhealthy.

So why should manage your diet using calories, rather than fat or carbs?

1. It doesn't matter. You can absolutely lose weight by reducing calories, people have been doing it for a long time, and that's how I did it.

2. I think taking out a specific dietary element leads you to eat a more limited, less healthy diet. Reducing calories can be done across the board, without unbalancing variety.

3. There's no good reason to believe that low fat/carb diets are any faster or better. The body of research on this kind of thing is quite muddled. If you read much beyond the headline of a "Low Carb Diets are the Best!" article, you''ll find that the data leaves lot of room for interpretation. (When I'm done with the principle articles in this series, I'll probably write a supplement about dieting misinformation.)

And you know what? That's basically it. The fastest weight loss I ever achieved came from adding these simple elements-sleeping right, monitoring weight, counting and reducing daily calories-into my life. That's all you need.

But, of course, the real difficulty is holding yourself to those rules. It can be very difficult, and when your smoldering initial efforts die out (and you eat a pint of ice cream one night), it can leave you wondering what the "real secret" to weight loss is.

What makes it so hard? Let's go back to my original thesis:

"If you want something to happen, begin by creating an environment where it can happen"

If your environment doesn't support a strictly controlled diet, it's very difficult to keep one. And that's why it's time to recognize something: there are reasons that you eat poorly, and they don't have anything to do with you being lazy or undisciplined.

Examples:

1. Habit-A lot of people are simply in the habit of eating too much junk food. Seeing a movie? Stop at the candy counter. Taking a car trip? Get a soda from the gas station. Out at a restaurant? Let's look at the desert menu!*

2. Boredom-Food can be something to do, a form of stimulus when there's nothing else of interest going on.

3. Anxiety/Depression/etc. - Like alcohol or nicotine, food acts as a form of medication for many people with psychological problems. And just as alcoholics are treated for those underlying issues, it's really difficult to lose weight if you don't deal with (or at least acknowledge) the emotional background of your eating habits.

"If you want to lose weight, figure out why you don't eat well."

New assignments-

-Start looking back at your food journal. Look for patterns in your eating, especially when you eat sweets.

-Remove all sweets from your home, making it more difficult for you to have access to them.

-Go completely off sweets (candy, cookies, soda, ice cream, anything with a significant amount of sugar) for a couple of weeks.

It's not necessary to completely avoid sweets to lose weight. However, cutting yourself off from them can be very revealing. You'll realize how often you "reach" for those things, and gain some insight into when/why you go to them.

*Labor Day? Time for some donuts!

Sam's guide to weight loss: Part 2, The Tipi

2010-05-14T00:01:00.003-04:00

Feeling rested? I hope so. If not, it's ok, because that brings us to another tenant of my philosophy:

"Accept that you won't always stick to the plan. You are not perfect, and it's unfair to expect it of yourself. Don't use individual failures as an excuse to give up, use them as an excuse to work harder."

Success is not a steady upward slope. It's a jagged, volatile line where, over the course of time, the gains are greater than the losses. If you don't understand that, your mental and spiritual environment isn't right for accomplishing anything.

That lesson is particularly important today, since this one has a lot to do with noticing your failures!

Keeping with the fire metaphor, this post is about building the "tipi," the structure that keeps the fire together. For weight loss, your tipi is built from awareness.

Awareness is an important principle in many philosophies, so you see it everywhere. The Zen story of the Tiger and the Strawberry, the old Irish tale of "the music of what happens," even the incredible reasonings of Sherlock Holmes, they all preach the power of awareness.

But awareness is a tricky thing to get a handle on. While humans are quite good, sometimes too good, at finding associations between things, it's difficult "see" those associations over long periods of time.

My sleep advice is a perfect example:

If you don't get enough sleep, you don't feel like working out and you're more likely to eat poorly, right? It makes perfect sense. But because those things are separated by an extra domino (your mood) you probably never caught the connection.

And if that little bit of causality was so difficult to "see," it's going to be even harder to lose weight if you can't observe the nebulous interactions of your lifestyle and your body. The best mental environment for losing weight is one where you can observe those interactions easily.

"If you want to lose weight, increase your awareness: track your weight along with the things that influence it."

This concept is an essential part, probably the most important part, of this series. It requires very little, but has a profound effect. It's quite likely that you'll lose weight just by doing this weeks assignment. Awareness is simply that powerful.

Here are your tasks:

-Weigh yourself exactly once a day, every day, and log the result.

1.Do not obsess over this number. You are not being scored on anything, so there's no reason to "cheat" the scale (Example: Drinking less water during the day will make the number come out lower, but it's bad for you and doesn't actually help anything.)

2.Aim for consistency, so the weight you record will be meaningful. Weigh in wearing the same clothes, at the same time of day. The best time (for reasons I'll get into later) is first thing in the morning, before you eat, drink, or shower.

3.The measurement doesn't even have to be "accurate" in an absolute sense. Even if the scale is off by 2 pounds, it will still register the change in your weight correctly, and the change is what we're really interested in.

4.Do not avoid your scale! If you ate too much yesterday, it's going to be reflected when you weigh in. Accept it. Don't avoid the scale for a day so you won't have to see the high number. If you do that, you're losing the awareness that we're after. Seeing your habits reflected is the whole point.

5.Remember always that the goal is awareness of how your weight is changing, not getting a "prize" of a lower number or a "punishment" of a higher one. You are weighing in to help yourself "see" what's going on.

-Log everything you eat, along with the (at least approximate) calories.

1. We'll get further into diet next time, but for now just do this much. It's not as time consuming as you'd think either. Here's the method that worked well for me: Get some index cards and pick one up on your way out the door each morning. Write down every item that you eat in a day, along with the calories, if you know them. If you don't know the calories, look them up later and add them in. Write the date on your card and file it away somewhere. (You could also put your scale results on these cards.)

2.You don't have to aim for a particular number of calories (yet). I just want you to become aware of what you're eating, and be able to see it over a period of time.

3.Don't worry about any other factors besides calories (fat, carbs, etc). I'll talk about that later too.

Why are these habits so important, even more important than sticking to a diet or exercise routine? How is it that people lose weight from doing this, even without ascribing to a particular diet? Simple.

-It's easier to resist another helping of dinner if your weight was a little high this morning.

-You're less likely to get dessert if there's a card in your pocket reminding you that you had a donut after lunch.

-There's no better encouragement for getting a little exercise in than thinking "I've eaten pretty good today, if I take a walk tonight it might bring tomorrow's weigh-in down a bit. That'd be nice."

So next week, I want to see 7 index cards or journal entries from you*, and don't slack off on your sleep.

*Figure of speech, do not actually send me these.

Sam's guide to weight loss: Part 1, Kindling

2010-05-07T17:07:00.003-04:00

"If you want something to happen, begin by creating an environment where it can happen"

Remember that statement, because it's very important. It is the guiding principle of everything I have to teach you in this series.

Example: Imagine how you'd build a fire. You'd gather dry wood, sorting it into light kindling and heavy logs. You'd get some paper to get the flames burning quickly. You'd arrange everything so that the smoke could escape and fresh air could get in. You would, in short, create fire by creating an environment where fire can happen. Only once that environment was prepared would you concern yourself with flame.

Yet when it comes to weight loss, most people spend their time trying to pick a brand of lighter. They read articles and books about this or that diet, they watch news reports about "how to get the most out of your power walking" or worse "why exercise won't help you lose weight." And they're always asking people like me, people who have been through it and lost a significant amount of weight, the same ridiculous question: "What's your secret?"

And the only answer I can give amounts to "stop trying to build a fire in a pool."

-Stop trying to follow an exercise routine that your body isn't ready for

-Stop trying to follow a diet when you've got a bowl of candy on your coffee table

-Stop trying to lose weight without getting enough sleep

Did I throw you with that last one? Then you're my audience. Here is your first lesson, a corollary to my thesis.

"If you're trying to lose weight, start by getting more sleep."

Before you begin a new diet, before you start going to the gym more, do this one thing. Don't skip it. Don't think that you'll work on it along the way. Do it FIRST.

Why?

-A well rested person has energy and endurance. If you haven't had enough sleep, you won't have much luck following a workout routine.

-A well rested person has willpower. If you haven't had enough sleep, you don't have the mental energy to resist temptations.

-A well rested person has a more positive outlook. Being tired makes you grouchy, irritable, and negative. When you feel that way, you're more likely to think things like "Screw it, I'm having a cupcake, it'll make me feel better" or "I'm not working out today, it's not like it matters. I'm never going to lose weight." These thoughts are destructive to you and your weight loss. Being rested may not stop the dark thoughts, but it sure makes them quieter.

Adequate sleep, in other words, creates an environment in your mind and body that is conducive to weight loss. It dries out the kindling.

Let me emphasize again that you shouldn't skip this step. I know it's tempting. Our tendency is to read this sort of "health class" advice with a kind of "Yeah, yeah, I know I really should" mentality. You know it's important but you want me to get on to the part about actually losing weight.

And that's the kind of thinking I have to break you of.

This is not a "tip" that will "help" you lose weight. This is how you actually do it. If you are trying anything else without doing this, you are striking matches and dropping them to the ground, hoping to start a fire. They may burn for a bit, may even light a scattered leaf or two. But if you really want to do this, we're going to need good kindling. If you can't manage something as simple as altering your sleep habits, what's the rest of it good for?

You've got a week. I need 56 solid hours of sleep from you. Do whatever you have to (within reason): reduce your caffeine intake, skip out of the party early, miss your favorite show so you have time to shower and brush your teeth.

Do your best, and I'll see you back here next Friday.*

*That is unless you're reading this after the series is finished, and can just read on to the next post. Screw you, future-man!

Because it was good.

2010-04-30T20:24:00.003-04:00

Liking things is a tricky business.

Please note: the above has nothing to do with "liking" in the facebook sense of the word.

What I mean is that the mental activity of having likes and dislikes is far more nebulous than you'd expect. If I asked you to explain why you liked a particular movie, you could probably produce a lot of reasons: "The acting was good," "The story was interesting and well written," "The scenery was beautiful."

But if we were to ask a director, a person in the business of making movies that people will like, were to tell me why you liked a movie, I'd almost certainly get a different sort of reasons: "He liked it because there were regular action beats to get his attention," "She liked it because there was a female character she could identify with," "They liked it because there were family themes that resonate with their demographic."

You might disagree, even be uncomfortable with the director's perspective. It's eerie to think that someone could "program" a message for us to like, that we don't understand the reasons we "like" a movie, a restaurant, or a computer interface.

But if you're trying to increase your appreciation of one of those things, I think you must acknowledge that "liking" is a "gut" reaction. No matter how many rationals you come up with after the fact, you formed your opinion without fully understanding why.*

And with your biases laid bare, the magic is (somewhat) broken. You can, with time, achieve a "critic" understanding, where you do understand exactly why you did or didn't "like" what you experienced.

*The troubling part, though, is how much of our society is grounded in focus testing.

My stone

2010-04-23T14:58:00.003-04:00

When a realistic view of the world ceases to be useful, when it prevents you from making the world a better place or from pursuing happiness, then the only sane decision is to reject it. What sanity can lie in giving up? It is the only sure failure.

So then, when the sound mind is outmatched, outnumbered, and hopeless, it must cling to the fantasy of a world where the odds are better.

Some would call this pathetic naiveté. A childish desire to see the darkness as sunshine and rainbows. "It's easy to believe the best," they say, "but the hard truth is that the world is very dark."

False. There is nothing easy about being positive.

Hopelessness is, in fact, the champion of the lazy. The defeated don't have much work ahead of them, and no expectations for their performance. It is easy to believe the worst. When there's nothing to be done, there's nothing that needs doing.

But for those who see everything as a problem to be solved, those who proceed forward as though the world is the way it should be, much work is in store. Slings must be checked for wear. Small stones must be gathered, hefted, and carefully selected.

And we could use a hand.

Kindling

2010-04-16T15:37:00.003-04:00

Submitted for your critique, the hypothesis that has dominated my thoughts of late:

"If you want to make a thing happen, do not put your efforts toward doing that thing, but toward finding or creating an environment in which that thing can happen."

Example: If you want to start a fire, you don't begin by lighting matches. You find material that will burn. You construct it in such a way that the smoke can escape, that fresh air can get in. You clear the area around it so that nothing else catches fire. Only when the environment is right do you introduce actual fire.

Seems logical enough, doesn't it? The right environment is the important part, so that the thing happens largely on it's own. No wonder, then, that the most successful managers I've known were, first and foremost, good hirers. By knowing a good employee when you see one, you've done most of the work up front.

So why is it that this statement seems so strange?

"If you want to lose weight, start by getting more sleep."

To me it makes perfect sense.
-A person who is tired doesn't feel like working out.

-A person who is tired has less will power.

-A person who is tired is grumpy and negative, more likely to give up on ever losing weight.

Thus, if you're trying to work out more and eat right without getting enough sleep at night, you're just lighting matches.*

But often we don't see it that way, because we forget that even our physical minds and bodies are part of our environment. It's an important idea.

Think of all the people who beat up on themselves when they fail, blaming everything on their own character faults, when actually the culprit was their environment.*

*Here defined as: physical health, self esteem, emotional support, social network, professional satisfaction, comfortable shoes, sanitary living conditions, not living next door to a donut shop, forgiving people that wronged you, blocking out most of high school, and reading outside with your cell phone off once in a while.

Blame it on the

2010-04-09T12:30:00.003-04:00

The term "dry drunk" refers to an alcoholic who, although he has stopped drinking, hasn't been treated for the underlying psychological issues. These "cold turkey" people are at a higher risk of relapse, because they've only put out the fire, they haven't doused the coals.

Realizing that addiction was so complex, not just a matter of self control or strength of character, was an eye-opening concept for me. For the alcoholic, booze is psychiatric medication (a bad one, of course, but it serves the same purpose.) The angry person thinks he's drinking because he enjoys it, when actually he enjoys having his dark thoughts muted for a while. The person with sever anxiety says that he drinks to be more social, when really he drinks to not feel awkward for once.

Antidepressant drug trials have been known to provide an unusual side effect: Some of the test subjects found that they didn't need to smoke anymore.

It's such a powerful concept that I'm surprised weight loss isn't approached the same way as AA (and maybe some programs do, but not enough.) Surely there are a lot of people who, like the alcoholic, are simply using food as medication-a temporary escape from crippling psychological issues.

And I think it goes much further.* When I see someone who invests himself completely into his job, who constantly obsesses over his appearance, who spends all his time on a particular hobby or interest (even the healthy, productive ones) I think to myself "What deeper need is this filling for you? What are you medicating?"

*Which is why I don't put any stake in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, the mark of the most prolific creators isn't comfort, it's damage.

In that old-timey radio voice

2010-04-02T11:05:00.002-04:00

Good morning, gentlemen! Thank you for coming to the board meeting. Of course I don't know why I'm thanking you, it wasn't your choice, everyone knows that either you come to the meeting or you're fired! Speaking of which, you're all fired!

But now you're all rehired, with the exception of Johnson! Johnson get out.

*door slam*

You hear that door slam, gentlemen? That's the door slam of a man with moxy! Ruth, make a note for me to rehire Johnson!

Now then, down to brass tax! Congress just passed a new tax on brass that's killing our profits! What are we going to do about it? Gladwell!

*Gladwell opens his mouth to speak*

Too slow, Gladwell, you're fired!

*Ruth whispers something in the boss' ear*

And if you see Johnson on the way out, rehire him for me! Good job Ruth, you're promoted to Gladwell!

Smith, get a senator on the phone! No, I was talking to Dan Smith, not Gary Smith! Why do I have two people named Smith in the same meeting! That's inefficiency gentlemen! I can't fire Gary, he's got a baby on the way! And I can't fire Dan, he's calling that senator! Compromise! Gary, your last name is now Smithson!

Welcome back Johnson! I just promoted my secretary to Gladwell, so you'll be taking over her position! Go call accounting, get the forms we need to change Gary's last name!

*Smith hands over the phone*

Hello, senator! This is the boss! What are you doing about this new tax on brass? How is my company supposed to make money manufacturing brass tacks when you fat cats are passing a new brass tax every fortnight! Do you have any idea how many people I've had to fire over this thing?

What? You can't take me into account unless I modernize? My company is stuck in the last century? My executives repeat what they hear on the phone as though relaying it to an audience? That's ridiculous, Senator, we're very progressive! Why I've even got a woman in this board meeting! Who? Gladwell of course. No, the new Gladwell! Oh never mind!

*hangs up*

Gentlemen, it appears we have to get with the times to be taken seriously! In the time it took me to finish this sentence I've thought of a three point plan!

One, we'll stop shipping brass tacks by iron horse! Now we'll fly them in a Spruce Goose!

Two, we'll monetize backward overflow! Gladwell, find out what that means and implement it immediately. Call James and Donaghy, put them on the project!

Three, new product! We'll make a laptop with no keyboard, and run it on a phone OS for no reason, thereby crippling its functionality!

Meeting adjourned!*

*Johnson, these meeting notes are terrible! Why is there a gap after I fired you and promoted Ruth?

The Spectrum

2010-03-26T01:57:00.003-04:00

You sit in a crowded restaurant and listen carefully to the person across from you. Around you are dozens of people holding their own conversations, some louder than yours, yet you have no trouble hearing the person who's speaking to you. Some mechanism in your mind is tuning out all that noise so you can pay attention to just one person.*

And that sounds all well and good. It seems like the kind of thing your brain ought to be doing. But then again, it also means that you are missing most of the moment. That "noise" isn't actually noise, it has meaning. Things are happening around you, and your mind is letting you miss it.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm just saying it's significant.

Your brain is trying to find things of significance. Things that you can't interpret aren't of significance. Thus there may be many things, even important things, that your mind is writing off as noise-that get tuned out completely.

To illustrate my point, consider the following:
Now in this particular case it is a physical limitation, not mental, that's blocking the relevant information. (If you can't read the above image, it says "Colorblind people are awesome.") But we're still dealing with the same conceptual animal. This image contains a whole band of data that some people simply can't interpret.

And when you miss layer of the world around you because you weren't well-educated enough, emotionally sensitive enough, or culturally aware enough, the limitation is no less real.

*Except sometimes you do pick up a word or two, which makes me think that your mind is also scanning all that noise. I've often wanted to do experiments where I'd go into a crowded place, softly-but-clearly say various dirty words, and see how many heads I can get to turn.

Not that I don't own one

2010-03-19T16:16:00.002-04:00

People that are really into video games, the sort that read Joystiq and Penny Arcade (which is to say, people like me) are often mystified by the moves that Nintendo makes, especially concerning the Wii.

That may seem odd to a more casual gamer, who knows the Wii as a global phenomenon, one that long ago surpassed its competitors in sales numbers.

But you must understand that for us, the system has always been something of an anomaly: No HD support, when the whole market is going that direction; No hard drive, when downloadable content is just becoming a big thing; A design that's just a boring white box, when all the other systems are starting to look like part of your home theater.

When these things were announced, months before anyone in the general public would know or care, "hardcore" gamers were already predicting it as Nintendo's folly.

And then, like a latter day Seward, the Wii took the world by storm, and they're competition is playing catchup.

Yet even now I see gamers and media questioning the company's maneuvers, certain that this time Nintendo's made a fatal error. But long ago I realized that Nintendo's decisions for the last few years make perfect sense when you see it through the filter of extensive, comprehensive market testing.

See in order to make something that appeals to everyone, you often end up having to make it rather bland. The search for the universal product is, in effect, the search for the product that is universally inoffensive. Not good, mind you, just inoffensive.

So with that in mind, think about the Wii. The device is small and unobtrusive, most dvd players have more buttons on them. Even the simple memory card reader feature is covered by a panel, you don't know it's there unless you go looking. Aesthetically it's plain, not pretty but not an eyesore either. You'd barely notice it.

It doesn't have HD, it doesn't have a hard drive, but for the average consumer those are almost a burden. Were you to market test the general public on those things, I'll bet most wouldn't have a solid understanding of HD, and wouldn't know why their game console would need a hard drive.

Even the Wii logo, grey letters on a white background, is nothing except inoffensive.

Nintendo has market tested their product into a grey paste, and they're making a ton of money as a result.

This concept, that wide appeal means making a bland product, is something I think about a lot. I think about it every time I see "Citizen Kane" on the top of a "best movies of all time" list, or "Ulysses" on a similar list for books. I think about it when I drink a Coke. In each case, I have the same reaction: rather bland, but wholly inoffensive.

So then to make something daring, something unique and interesting, I suppose you've got to accept that you're probably not going to be the most popular.*

*I'll take it.

The biggest one they can

2010-03-12T16:26:00.009-05:00

You have a lot of freedom when you create something. This property is simultaneously the most wonderful and most troublesome aspect of our authorial capacities.

In other words, I can write anything I want to. Absolutely anything. Here, I'll show you:

Ruzzzahanananananaruuuuuuukzwanzaia!*

But on the other hand, I could also write words that inform, words that entertain, or words that make you think. There are simply a lot of options open to us when we sit down at a keyboard, a piano, or a blank patch of beach sand.

And that sounds wonderful, right? Romatic even. Free reign of the human imagination.

But there are two problems:

Problem 1: Paralysis by options - If I give a person materials and tools and ask him to build a table, that's fine. Most people understand the parameters of what makes a table. But if I give a person those same things and ask him to build "whatever you want," he'd probably stare at me blankly. There are no parameters for "whatever you want," so it's hard to know where to start on that kind of project.

Problem 2: When you give people the ability to make whatever they want, the first thing they make is a penis. Just ask anyone who's ever run a message board.

But that second point doesn't surprise me. Our collective obcession with sex is hard-wired into our minds. Perhaps the best evidence for this is the fact that you mentally giggled a little when you read the word "hard-wired."

What surprises me is the particular branch of creative works I call "swing music about food."

And this is just a sample, there's much more to be found.

These writers looked at the page, saw all the possibilities, and started reading from a menu.

*I think it's worth noting that, while writing a line of gibberish, I still felt the need to follow the rules of capitalization and punctuation.

This post may be edited later at the discression of the author

2010-03-05T11:29:00.003-05:00

This week I played through Heavy Rain: a gripping, emotionally powerful work of interactive fiction. It puts game mechanics into tasks like a panicked search for a lost child, mending another person's wounds, or desperately fighting to get away from an attacker. Heavy Rain is the first game in recent memory where, when the outcome was assured, I literally* collapsed in a heap.

*Roger Ebert would like me to pause here and remind you that video games are not art.*

So I guess, if I'm going to write a post about a game, seems like Heavy Rain would be the natural candidate.

NOPE!

It's about Portal, a game that came out nearly three years ago.

See this month a patch was released for Portal that added an extra line of dialogue to the ending! It's thought that this addition is a setup for the sequel, or possibly a tie-in to another franchise by the same developer.

You don't see the big deal, do you? Well let me add another spice to the mix.

Most of the people who own this game got that patch automatically, without their consent. This kind of delivery is a perfectly normal thing for gamers. Most modern game consoles check for updates to your games each time you play them. And many people who own the PC version of Portal bought it on Steam, a digital distribution program that, like the consoles, updates your games without any effort on your part.

Still don't understand why the patch is significant? Let me bring it a little closer to home.

The Amazon Kindle is capable of working in a similar way to these game platforms. When you buy a new book, it downloads passively in the background, even when you're doing something else with the device. And it doesn't get talked about much, but it's also possible for Amazon to remove a book from a connected Kindle. If they can do that, there's no reason they couldn't edit a book, or replace it with an edited version. Now imagine if a book publisher decided to fix a typo in one of their novels, or reconcile an inconsistency in the story, or add a line of dialogue to the ending. And then they made this change to everyone's Kindle edition of the book, all at once.

Now you get it. Now you see why making a narrative change to a game that's been out for three years is so interesting, troubling perhaps, but interesting.

This is maybe the most important distinction between physical and digital media: When you buy something digital, it doesn't have to be a fixed, dead entity. What you have bought is rights to a potentially living document. While the internet hive-mind was distracted by questions of ownership over digital goods, they missed the more amazing point: that digital goods can evolve.

*And not figurative literally. Literal literally.

Everybody's free (to rehash)

2010-02-26T16:16:00.003-05:00

For reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

Work on you.

If I could give you only one tip for the future, "work on you" would be it. Nothing you can obtain and nothing you can accomplish will be worthwhile if you can't appreciate what you have. The finest meal is wasted on an uncultured palate. The simplest breakfast is exquisite to one who is genuinely grateful for it. Water and wine both take the shape of their containers.

The rest of my advice is nothing more than a bunch of corollaries to this one idea. I will dispense this advice now.

Never fall into the delusion that you've accomplished anything on your own. You owe an enormous debt to everyone who has ever fed, taught, or encouraged you. Any good you do in the world is just paying them back.

Not a sports page, not a magazine. A book.

Don't stare at people. Don't ignore them either. Everyone deserves your regard and your suspicion. Human-beings-are-not-simple.

Dance. Preferably swing.

Most things we regard as problems are just symptoms of some larger problem. Be mindful of the difference.

Hustle hard in any hustle that you pick.

Hot, clean running water is a miracle, and don't you EVER forget it.

Having a difficult life gets you sympathy, it does not get you an excuse. You are always responsible for your actions.

Arrogance is destructive to your spirit. So is self-deprecation. It doesn't matter which side of that bridge you fall off of, it's long way down.

YOU get to choose. This is the most terrifying and wonderful prospect in the world. Seize that power, but take it seriously.

Take anything seriously but yourself.

Work to lessen your prejudices about people, but know that you are never completely free of them. Giving everyone a fair shake is tricky.

Being healthy is worth the trouble.

There are good reasons to do something, but "because you think you're supposed to" is not one of them.

There are good reasons to not do something, but "because you're scared to" is not one of them.

Wash your hands.*

*And also flush the toilet. I am so tired of seeing your pee when I use a public bathroom.

Ahem

2010-02-18T17:53:00.005-05:00

Ok, I think I'm ready to begin. Good afternoon everyone, thank you for attending this lecture. You may note that I am not your regular instructor. Don't worry, you're in the right place. Today I'll be filling in for him, as he is currently locked in his office by a large, heavy padlock that I'm afraid will have to be sheared off with bolt cutters.

Don't worry, your teacher is fine, and someone is on the way to free him. Considering the reports I've heard about his general lack of teaching skill, misinformed opinions, and the fact that he's used class time to talk about a reality TV show called "The Bachelor," I honestly believe that a half hour of quiet reflection in his office couldn't hurt anything.

But now, let's move on to the material at hand!

Today's lecture is entitled:

Now, unfortunately the people who most need this lecture often cannot get a quick grasp of that, so I "texted" it to a young person, who provided me with a subtitle:

*slide 2*

In short, this lecture is a basics guide of what you'll need in order to become a worthwhile human being. Exciting, no? Let's dive right in.

*slide 3*

This simple statement will serve as the core of these lessons, so we need to really understand it. Here's a breakdown of it's core principles:

*slide 4*

Now I know what you're probably thinking, you're thinking that this isn't true, because your friends care about you, right? And they seem really impressed by what you think and do. But guess what? Everyone's friends are like that. So the lesson here is this: Don't let your limited social circle confuse you into thinking that anyone in the general public cares about anything you have to say.

Our second point can be stated thusly:

*slide 5*

Now as we go through this one, take note of how it's a direct corollary to our first point. The scenario described here is frequently of the "guy likes some girl who has no interest in him" variety. All too often some dude decides to play social "knight in shining armor" just because his crush had a fight with her roommate. Here the important things to remember:

*slide 6*

And . . . okay, yes, I'm hearing sirens outside, which means our class time is nearly up. But I definitely want to get these last couple of slides in, as they're very important.

*slide 7*

And, implicitly:

*slide 8*

This can be a tricky one. People often tie their opinions about movies, TV shows, and even food into their sense of self. Then when they encounter someone who happens to disagree, they take a simple difference of perspective as a personal attack on their judgement. Here's why that is erroneous.

*slide 9*

I believe that's all I'm going to have time for today, but please take this lecture to heart. I promise it will help you. Since I know all of you with laptops have been surfing facebook, I've made the lecture available online for your further review.

Thank you very much, and good day to you.

*But that being said, I gotta give them this one.

Overture

2010-02-12T14:46:00.003-05:00

I sat down at a piano last weekend for the first time in a long time, and I was amazed at how quickly it all came back. It was like I was picking up right where I last left off, years and years ago.

I should mention here that I don't play piano, or any instrument, and never have. Ability was not the thing that returned.

What came back to me was a mindset. I found myself doing what I used to do at my mother's upright piano: looking intently at the pattern of the keys, pressing them and listening to the sound gradually fade away, trying to figure out exactly what those stupid pedals were supposed to be for.

To see it, you might think I have/had a facination with music or sound. But cross reference this data with the amount of time I spend/spent on my other favorite things, like playing with gadgets/legos or thinking about robots/robots, and you'd realize that I like/liked the piano simply for its construction, for the make of the thing.

And in that, an upright piano is in a special class of tools. While it can't produce the kind of sound that a fine grand piano can, it is small enough to fit in a normal home. That difference is important. It means more people have access to the instrument, thus more people learn it, thus the music it makes becomes a greater part of our culture.

Is this as strange a concept as I think it is? A person created a new design of an old thing*, and in doing so made a significant impact on music, more significant than any single composer.

*Another strange concept: making something easier often has much more drastic consequences than making it possible in the first place.

Pragmatics

2010-02-05T01:18:00.002-05:00

Human nature being what it is . . . I'm sorry, what exactly is it?

Because it seems like for every suicide bomber there's a charity that gives toys to sick children. For every reckless driver there's a police officer who doesn't get paid very much. So you'll forgive me if I have trouble propelling myself over the horizontal distance to your conclusion.

The trouble is that your view represents just as much about you as it does about your subject. We're all looking at the same statue, in effect, but you picked your seat.

So when you look to The Holocaust and marvel at the evil men can do, when you look to the Mars rovers* and shudder at what we can accomplish, when you look to Wikipedia (where you looked to The Holocaust and the Mars rovers) and wonder that it works at all, you are making a choice.

YES, you are.

You are choosing to make a single example into a microcosm of the whole. And even if you can explain at length why that reasoning is valid, you must concede that your conclusion was not self evident, that it required a decision on your part.

And knowing that it was a decision, I now look to YOUR nature before I follow you any further.

A universal theory of human behavior, attractive as it seems, might be a more wily idea than you think. I have good reason to think so.

For all my experience, for all my learning, for all my careful consideration, I have found but one sparkle at the bottom of my pan.

The only consistent thing about human beings is that they surprise me.

*You know the ones I mean. Spirit and Opportunity.

Ok, fine, I guess I'll get out of bed

2010-01-29T08:20:00.001-05:00

Ugh.

Seriously?

Seriously, backup cell phone alarm? Is this how you're going to be? Way over there on the armoire, all smug, knowing I have to get out of bed to switch you off? Why can't you be more like my regular alarm, conveniently within reach on the nightstand?

You evil little hobgoblin.

Do you even understand how many reasons there are for me to stay where I am?

1. I am tired. If I am tired, I should get to sleep. That just makes sense. I think hungry people should get to eat, is this really so different?

2. It is cold, and I'm warm. How cruel are you, asking me to get up into the cold air? It's like pouring a cup of ice water over someone.

3. Even if I do get up, I'm just going to go to work. Where I might have to do stuff. Or, if there's any justice, I'll sit around and surf the internet all day. And I can do that here! See, my netbook's right there on the floor!

But fine. FINE. I'll get out of bed, bathe myself, put on some mostly-clean clothes, and go out into the world. If that's what it's really going to take.

But you had better be careful, my little friend. Because one day I might just decide to stay here. And you know what that would mean? Eventually the power would be shut off because I won't have paid the bill, and your precious supply of fuel would be cut off forever.

Yeah, think about THAT. How long would your battery last, phone? You're on vibrate AND ring, that crap takes power!

All I have to do is figure out a way to get food to myself in bed*, and I'll be the smug one!

. . . Stupid hunger.

*"Hi, I'm calling for delivery. Yes, same address as usual, but could you ask the driver to come around to the back and pass it through the first window there? Awesome.

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