Dear Fanboy,
Can I ask you a question? Do you honestly think that Microsoft/Apple/Google/Mozilla/Sony/Nintendo/Republican Party/Democratic Party/any sports team/Amazon/Barnes and Noble gives a crap about you? Do you honestly believe that that institution is the "good guy," while all competitors represent some kind of evil empire that only a stupid, gullible person would buy into? Are you under the impression that you'll get some kind of prize when your side emerges victorious?
Allow me to educate you.
No one who wants your money is really on your side. When they play as though they are, it's in the hope that you'll give them money/more money than you already have, and not because they have good hearts. They see you as a money piñata, and language is their stick.
And it's ok to have favorites, we all do. But you are serving no one by defending your champion to the bitter end. The one any only reason your guy does anything good is because he has to, his competition forces his hand. If you like Playstation so much, you'd better hope Microsoft has a good quarter. If you use Firefox, cross your fingers that Chrome gains market share. Because a clear winner doesn't have to try very hard, does he?
In short, if you want good products, make the relevant parties fight for every last dollar you give them. Make them scrape and refine and innovate ways to get their money, and don't credit them any previous victories.
That's the only way we win.
Sincerely,
Sam*
*Who wrote this in Google Blogger, using Google Chrome, running on the Chrome OS laptop that Google sent him.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Soda Jerks
I get it.
I understand that restaurants need drink sales to make money. They represent a very high profit margin in an business where success is tricky. And I know that they can't afford to have people ordering water, then sneaking some coke into their cup. It's perfectly reasonable that water cups should be different from the other cups.
But do they have to be the size of a thimble?
Really Panera?
I don't think it's just a "making sure you don't get soda" thing, either. No, at this point you're making a joke. I've got to either buy a real drink, or suffer your water shotglass of shame. I can almost hear them laughing each time I go for a refill*, drinking a full glass at the dispenser so I can get enough.
*Oh yeah? Well in addition to the calories I'm saving, I'm also getting exercize from walking so much, so joke's on . . . still me, somehow.
I understand that restaurants need drink sales to make money. They represent a very high profit margin in an business where success is tricky. And I know that they can't afford to have people ordering water, then sneaking some coke into their cup. It's perfectly reasonable that water cups should be different from the other cups.
But do they have to be the size of a thimble?
Really Panera?
I don't think it's just a "making sure you don't get soda" thing, either. No, at this point you're making a joke. I've got to either buy a real drink, or suffer your water shotglass of shame. I can almost hear them laughing each time I go for a refill*, drinking a full glass at the dispenser so I can get enough.
*Oh yeah? Well in addition to the calories I'm saving, I'm also getting exercize from walking so much, so joke's on . . . still me, somehow.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Presents of mind
Gift giving is something of a fine art, and there are a lot of ways to get it wrong.
Even when you've known someone for a long time, and feel you have a fairly comprehensive model of his psyche, choosing something he'll like can be tricky. Of course, that's why nature produced the Amazon universal wish list and other such gift registries—For the long-distance relative who needs to just pick something, you can't do much better.
But the best gifts follow the desire/impractical measure, where the item is both A) something the person will want and B) something the person would never buy for himself.* If you can hit that target, you'll find the receiver in a particular state of joy, delighting in an item that for him represents true luxury.
Alternatively, you can also buy something incredibly weird, and send it with no explanation of what it's for, or why you chose it. Then you've provided on of the oldest gifts of them all, the gift of a new story.
*Example
Even when you've known someone for a long time, and feel you have a fairly comprehensive model of his psyche, choosing something he'll like can be tricky. Of course, that's why nature produced the Amazon universal wish list and other such gift registries—For the long-distance relative who needs to just pick something, you can't do much better.
But the best gifts follow the desire/impractical measure, where the item is both A) something the person will want and B) something the person would never buy for himself.* If you can hit that target, you'll find the receiver in a particular state of joy, delighting in an item that for him represents true luxury.
Alternatively, you can also buy something incredibly weird, and send it with no explanation of what it's for, or why you chose it. Then you've provided on of the oldest gifts of them all, the gift of a new story.
*Example
Friday, February 4, 2011
Refried Beans-Salsa-tomatoes-Sour Cream-Cheese-Olives-Green Onion Day
I'm not really a fan of the Superbowl, just a fan of 7 Layer Dip.But as it happens, one of those seems to inspire the making of the other, so vicariously I guess I really like football.
Who's playing this year, anyway? I honestly don't know. Go whichever-team-the-guy-who-made-the-dip-likes!
And I think it's clear from the ratings that there are a lot of people like me. It's not like all those viewers didn't care that about football through the season, then suddenly it's the biggest thing in their world. No, most of them still don't care . . . but hot dogs are delicious, and by the middle of winter you probably haven't had one in months, so "WOOOO, SUPERBOWL!"*
So let's just put the whole thing on a Monday afternoon and declare it a national holiday. We could even call it something else, like "Family Day," so people wouldn't complain about it being just for football.
*(Psst, I think the actual sports fans know we're faking. They kept talking about stats, and I'm pretty sure they made a few of them up to see if I'd notice.)
Who's playing this year, anyway? I honestly don't know. Go whichever-team-the-guy-who-made-the-dip-likes!
And I think it's clear from the ratings that there are a lot of people like me. It's not like all those viewers didn't care that about football through the season, then suddenly it's the biggest thing in their world. No, most of them still don't care . . . but hot dogs are delicious, and by the middle of winter you probably haven't had one in months, so "WOOOO, SUPERBOWL!"*
So let's just put the whole thing on a Monday afternoon and declare it a national holiday. We could even call it something else, like "Family Day," so people wouldn't complain about it being just for football.
*(Psst, I think the actual sports fans know we're faking. They kept talking about stats, and I'm pretty sure they made a few of them up to see if I'd notice.)
Saturday, January 29, 2011
write blog post
This week I posted a funny status update which, normally, would get a few "likes" and fade into the constant chatter of the Internet. But because my friends are often as-geeky or far-more-geeky than myself, something else entirely happened: an old school text based adventure began in the comment thread.
http://d.pr/IXAz
Now, most anyone who knows me and has even a drop of nerdy tendency is transfixed, checking back multiple times each day to watch the narrative unfold. Meanwhile, I'm looking at the list of releases planned for 2011 and wondering if any one of them could come close to stealing the "game of the year" crown from this crazy social network experience.
But then I have a different criteria than most. GOTY awards usually go to highly polished experiences where the perceived value of the product was high. And that's fine. I like polished experiences. Yet I wonder if that's really the best methodology when selecting a year's highlights.
Cause I have news for you. When we look back in twenty years at the games which shaped the medium, no one is going to be talking about Red Dead Redemption.*
*Mass Effect 2, maybe. But it's a more polished iteration of what was so remarkable in ME 1.
http://d.pr/IXAz
Now, most anyone who knows me and has even a drop of nerdy tendency is transfixed, checking back multiple times each day to watch the narrative unfold. Meanwhile, I'm looking at the list of releases planned for 2011 and wondering if any one of them could come close to stealing the "game of the year" crown from this crazy social network experience.
But then I have a different criteria than most. GOTY awards usually go to highly polished experiences where the perceived value of the product was high. And that's fine. I like polished experiences. Yet I wonder if that's really the best methodology when selecting a year's highlights.
Cause I have news for you. When we look back in twenty years at the games which shaped the medium, no one is going to be talking about Red Dead Redemption.*
*Mass Effect 2, maybe. But it's a more polished iteration of what was so remarkable in ME 1.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Blanket Statement
Sharing a bed with someone can be one of life's great little pleasures. It's a constant comfort, and reminder of the intimacy and trust you have with another person.
It is also a logistical nightmare.
You've got different sleeping positions, light-level preferences, pillow arrangements—not to mention temperature needs. Thermal distribution in a two-person bed is a study unto itself, in fact. Some people want the room to be ice cold, while they are baked alive beneath a pile of covers. Other people require that a fan blows air across them all night, which they then counter by using an extra blanket. And I'm not calling out anyone, anywhere for being weird—by default I sleep with both feet outside the covers (because, for some reason, bed makes the bottoms of my feet go thermonuclear with heat) and a secondary pillow tucked under my right shoulder, taking a bit of my weight so I can breath easier.
Combining two of these weird sleep combination locks is an interesting process, requiring a lot of real time and dedication.*
*Pro-tip: Develop an automatic "anchor response," where you hold down your side of the covers whenever you feel the other person move.
It is also a logistical nightmare.
You've got different sleeping positions, light-level preferences, pillow arrangements—not to mention temperature needs. Thermal distribution in a two-person bed is a study unto itself, in fact. Some people want the room to be ice cold, while they are baked alive beneath a pile of covers. Other people require that a fan blows air across them all night, which they then counter by using an extra blanket. And I'm not calling out anyone, anywhere for being weird—by default I sleep with both feet outside the covers (because, for some reason, bed makes the bottoms of my feet go thermonuclear with heat) and a secondary pillow tucked under my right shoulder, taking a bit of my weight so I can breath easier.
Combining two of these weird sleep combination locks is an interesting process, requiring a lot of real time and dedication.*
*Pro-tip: Develop an automatic "anchor response," where you hold down your side of the covers whenever you feel the other person move.
Friday, January 14, 2011
A place in the sun where it's nice and warm
Songs like Gnarls Barkley's "Going On"* are, to me, in a class of their own.
It's a class I like to refer to as "music that I don't have to be ashamed that I'm listening to."
In addition to being catchy, Going On carries a really nice little message: Put more focus on others, less on yourself, and don't put up with people who won't do the same. That may not seem like such a big deal, but remember that a large amount of music:
1. Contains no redeeming values
2. Actively promotes really terrible lifestyles
3. Is so very funky, you just can't stop singing it
And that's the baffling part. Since most music is sold by including awesome beats and incredible hooks, and the lyrics are often nearly indecipherable, why bother to focus on negative ideas at all? Just make all your music about solid moral values, autotune it into an electronic paste, and make it sound like it's about partying. Most people won't know the difference, and I'll feel better about having your song in my subconscious.
*One note: the line in the second verse is: And to do what I want/and to do what I please/Is first *off* my to-do list. For some reason no one bothers to check the official lyrics, and puts it as either "first *of* my to-do" list (which makes no sense) or worse "first *on* my to-do list" (which is counter to the rest of the song.)
It's a class I like to refer to as "music that I don't have to be ashamed that I'm listening to."
In addition to being catchy, Going On carries a really nice little message: Put more focus on others, less on yourself, and don't put up with people who won't do the same. That may not seem like such a big deal, but remember that a large amount of music:
1. Contains no redeeming values
2. Actively promotes really terrible lifestyles
3. Is so very funky, you just can't stop singing it
And that's the baffling part. Since most music is sold by including awesome beats and incredible hooks, and the lyrics are often nearly indecipherable, why bother to focus on negative ideas at all? Just make all your music about solid moral values, autotune it into an electronic paste, and make it sound like it's about partying. Most people won't know the difference, and I'll feel better about having your song in my subconscious.
*One note: the line in the second verse is: And to do what I want/and to do what I please/Is first *off* my to-do list. For some reason no one bothers to check the official lyrics, and puts it as either "first *of* my to-do" list (which makes no sense) or worse "first *on* my to-do list" (which is counter to the rest of the song.)
Friday, January 7, 2011
no.w on the webs!
i carry your phone everywhere
google
with me everywhere
and everywhere it takes me
i heart gps
but alth ough i find it
a marvel
theres at least one po.int
i need to take up with you
the software k e y b o a r d
doesnt work with blogg er
and my hardware one
doesnt recognize capitals
or symbols
serious.ly
you have like tw e n ty ba
jillion dollars
get on that
thanks
with me everywhere
and everywhere it takes me
i heart gps
but alth ough i find it
a marvel
theres at least one po.int
i need to take up with you
the software k e y b o a r d
doesnt work with blogg er
and my hardware one
doesnt recognize capitals
or symbols
serious.ly
you have like tw e n ty ba
jillion dollars
get on that
thanks
Friday, December 31, 2010
Free Soap!
There's just something nice about a hotel room.
Technically it's just a poorly equipped, overpriced apartment, but somehow having that little room set aside for you is an incredible treat. You relish the experience, tossing down your bags with great flourish and stretching out on a bed just big enough to be considered a double. You inventory the room: chairs, table, tv, coffee pot, tiny fridge (exquisite!).
And then you turn on the TV. My mother never understood this part when I went on vacation as a kid, and asked why we traveled so far if we were just going to watch television we could see at home. She never understood that you have to "settle into" a vacation. You need that moment to claim your new space, kick the tires and open her up a little. Only once you're fully at home can you enjoy a single thing outside that window, with its super-heavy blackout curtains.
Oh look, the number for the nearest pizza chain. Gonna give them a call later, aren't you? Yes, pizza delivered directly to your new little domain. What royalty you are.
Technically it's just a poorly equipped, overpriced apartment, but somehow having that little room set aside for you is an incredible treat. You relish the experience, tossing down your bags with great flourish and stretching out on a bed just big enough to be considered a double. You inventory the room: chairs, table, tv, coffee pot, tiny fridge (exquisite!).
And then you turn on the TV. My mother never understood this part when I went on vacation as a kid, and asked why we traveled so far if we were just going to watch television we could see at home. She never understood that you have to "settle into" a vacation. You need that moment to claim your new space, kick the tires and open her up a little. Only once you're fully at home can you enjoy a single thing outside that window, with its super-heavy blackout curtains.
Oh look, the number for the nearest pizza chain. Gonna give them a call later, aren't you? Yes, pizza delivered directly to your new little domain. What royalty you are.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Dear Santa Claus,
First of all, let me commend you on your free toy program. It's a fine, charitable idea that has benefited millions. However, the rules governing your allotment system have always seemed a bit vague to me, so there are a few points I'd like some clarification on.
1. What, exactly, do you mean by "naughty" and "nice"? Is this morality scale working on absolutes, or more of a relativist system where culture and environment are taken into account?
2. How far does "nice" credit accrue, and does your Christmas morning pay out accordingly? I guess what I'm really asking is, "If I do enough charity work, will you turn me into Spiderman?" Just let me know, I can make the time.
3. Speaking of credits, is rollover something we need to worry about? Does the new year start fresh, or does a certain amount of naughty/nice still apply? And does the new year start on Jan 1, or once the current year presents are delivered?
4. Do you get Christmas presents? What about your wife, and the elves? And who would deliver them to you? Taking presents to all those kids seems pretty "nice," so I imagine you must get some crazy stuff.
So when you get a chance, please clarify these points for me.* I'll be happy to write up the details in a GoogleDoc, so you can include it as a faq whenever you get a webpage going.
*Please note that answers to these questions do not constitute a gift.
1. What, exactly, do you mean by "naughty" and "nice"? Is this morality scale working on absolutes, or more of a relativist system where culture and environment are taken into account?
2. How far does "nice" credit accrue, and does your Christmas morning pay out accordingly? I guess what I'm really asking is, "If I do enough charity work, will you turn me into Spiderman?" Just let me know, I can make the time.
3. Speaking of credits, is rollover something we need to worry about? Does the new year start fresh, or does a certain amount of naughty/nice still apply? And does the new year start on Jan 1, or once the current year presents are delivered?
4. Do you get Christmas presents? What about your wife, and the elves? And who would deliver them to you? Taking presents to all those kids seems pretty "nice," so I imagine you must get some crazy stuff.
So when you get a chance, please clarify these points for me.* I'll be happy to write up the details in a GoogleDoc, so you can include it as a faq whenever you get a webpage going.
*Please note that answers to these questions do not constitute a gift.
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