Money? Baseballs! . . . Office? Submarine!

Greetings from MajorOnlineRetailer.com

Please be assured that this is not a form letter, but rather a personal and unique response to your EMAIL COMPLAINT SUBMISSION about one of our TELEVISION AND ACCESSORIES products.

I apologize for the delay in responding to your message. All of us are working very hard to get out the door by 5, and we strive to dismiss you in the most efficient, sterile way possible.

I am sorry for any inconvenience caused by the blatant lie we posted about the cost of one of our TELEVISION AND ACCESSORIES items. At any given time, despite our best efforts (please see attached legal document for definition of "best"), a small number of the millions of items on our site maybe be mis-priced, listed with features that are not technologically possible, or completely imaginary (as with our "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Real, living Hippogryph!" promotion).

These situations are the result of technical and human errors, which is to say complete incompetence, and I am truly sorry for the inconvenience. Not sorry enough, mind you, to make good on the offer we extended to you in the first place, but still, as sorry as I can be without financial burden.

We realize that this may have been disappointing, but we want to make sure that your decision to make a purchase with us is based on the most accurate information possible.* Which seems weird, since the whole issue is that our information was not accurate.

I am truly sorry for condescending you, then following it up with a bizarre contradiction.

If you want to return this item, please let us know so that we may begin the return process, because the best way out of a legal contract is for everyone to pretend that it never happened.

I understand that you are upset, and I regret that we have not been able to address your concerns to your satisfaction. As before, I don't regret it enough to do anything useful, so unfortunately, we will not be able to offer any additional compensation with this TELEVISION AND ACCESSORIES item and rebate.

We've appreciated your business and hope to have the opportunity to serve you again in the future (please see attached legal document for definition of "serve").

Please let us know if this e-mail resolved your question:

If yes, click here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-brQ-2XqTU
If not, click here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU

Please note: this e-mail was sent from an address that cannot accept incoming e-mail, so there's no way I'll ever have to deal with you again.

Best Regards,

Smarmy
MajorOnlineRetailer.com Customer Service (see attached legal document for definition of "service")

*Actual wording.