Friday, June 1, 2007

Those Quotes Are Real, Too.

An Open Letter to that Crazy Lady Who Keeps Trying to Ban Harry Potter-

First, let me say this, I'm not going to argue with your reasoning. It's not that your logic is too iron-clad, or that your points are too eloquent, or that I'm simply not smart enough. It's that your perspective is so askew, I would lend you undue credibility if I bothered to challenge your ideas. Does that make sense?

Let me put it this way: what if someone walked up to you and angrily tried to convince you that Wednesday tastes like purple? How would you respond? Would you convince that person with "logic"?

"Well no, see purple isn't a flavor, it's a color. A thing can't 'taste purple' because those are linguistic artifacts of different sensory phenomena. And even if they weren't, Wednesday is just a vague temporal convention, a concept that we, as a society, agree to recognize for convenience's sake. Ideas don't have tastes, sir, nor ways of being tasted."

Do you really think that person would stop, look up for a moment, and say "Ah, yes, I see what you mean. Thank you madam, you have shown me the light"?

No, he'd probably just scream, "YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU'RE ONE OF THE LIZARD PEOPLE!" and run away.

Similarly, if I tried to argue with you about Harry Potter being a device to lure children into witchcraft, I'd only be lending your argument some small amount of legitimacy that it doesn't deserve. Your ideas are senseless, I won't try to make sense of them, even to show that you're wrong.

Instead, I will make a more useful argument:

Point One - The Things You Are Saying Are Stupid

Point Two - Please Be Quiet

Point Three - What The **** Is Wrong With You Anyway?!

But if that is my only argument, why am I bothering to write this letter? It's because Point Three has two corollaries, which I'd like to discuss now.

Corollary One to Point Three - You Are Embarrassing the South

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but some people think the Southern U.S. states are full of ignorant, backward, inbred people. As a southerner myself, I'd prefer that the nation recognize how many bright, reasonable people live in and love the south. And you are not helping my case.

Corollary Two to Point Three - You are Embarrassing Jesus

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but some people think that Christianity is full of ignorant, backward, inbred people. As a Christian myself, I'd prefer that the nation recognize how many bright, reasonable people know and love Jesus. And you are not helping my case.

As luck would have it, I can provide evidence for both corollaries at once:

1. You haven't read the Harry Potter books because "they're really very long". That one speaks for itself.

2. You argued in court that witchcraft is a religion, so the books should be banned because reading them in school violates separation of church and state. You then stated your dream "that God will be welcomed back in our schools again." You did both of these things without irony.

3. According to you, the children of today "don't want the Easter Bunny's power, they want Harry's power." Now, I'm assuming that by "Easter Bunny's power" you weren't talking about the power to be a mammal that lays eggs*. Instead, I think you were referring to the power of your religious beliefs. But, since Easter was once a pagan fertility ritual that Christianity commandeered, and since the Easter Bunny itself is derived from pagan myth, you are actually telling children to embrace the power of a pagan symbol.

So in conclusion, you are accomplishing nothing, you are wasting a lot of people's valuable time, and you are actively hurting the groups you claim to represent.

For your consideration,


*making them some sort of, oh I don't know, LIZARD PEOPLE!

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