Friday, January 29, 2010

Ok, fine, I guess I'll get out of bed



Seriously, backup cell phone alarm? Is this how you're going to be? Way over there on the armoire, all smug, knowing I have to get out of bed to switch you off? Why can't you be more like my regular alarm, conveniently within reach on the nightstand?

You evil little hobgoblin.

Do you even understand how many reasons there are for me to stay where I am?

1. I am tired. If I am tired, I should get to sleep. That just makes sense. I think hungry people should get to eat, is this really so different?

2. It is cold, and I'm warm. How cruel are you, asking me to get up into the cold air? It's like pouring a cup of ice water over someone.

3. Even if I do get up, I'm just going to go to work. Where I might have to do stuff. Or, if there's any justice, I'll sit around and surf the internet all day. And I can do that here! See, my netbook's right there on the floor!

But fine. FINE. I'll get out of bed, bathe myself, put on some mostly-clean clothes, and go out into the world. If that's what it's really going to take.

But you had better be careful, my little friend. Because one day I might just decide to stay here. And you know what that would mean? Eventually the power would be shut off because I won't have paid the bill, and your precious supply of fuel would be cut off forever.

Yeah, think about THAT. How long would your battery last, phone? You're on vibrate AND ring, that crap takes power!

All I have to do is figure out a way to get food to myself in bed*, and I'll be the smug one!

. . . Stupid hunger.

*"Hi, I'm calling for delivery. Yes, same address as usual, but could you ask the driver to come around to the back and pass it through the first window there? Awesome.

Friday, January 22, 2010

The Self: Part 1?

Ever since Freud came along, we've been trying to figure out just what's going on with ourselves. What makes us who we are? What gives us an understanding that we exist? What is the "self?" There are lots of perspectives on the issue, and plenty of interesting work on the matter, but we lack a single solid, practical theory.

Humanity may now rest at ease, however, as I have constructed it.

A person can be conveniently divided into two parts:


Note that your BS is separate from you, but it plays a large role in who you are. Think of it as the petri dish in which "you" will grow.

"Who you are" is here defined as "how you react to your BS." There are many ways to react, but the most common are:

-Hide from.



But keep in mind that these reactions are broad categories that can be subdivided into lots of techniques, both negative and positive. Also, a given person will often choose different reactions depending on the environment.*

But no matter the tactic, it's always about you and your BS.

*The holidays, for instance, often lead to a big spike in "medicate."

Friday, January 15, 2010


Who's the cutest dog in the world? Who'sa cu-test doggie in the world? Is it you? Izzit you? Is you the cutest doggie in the whole, wide world? Well no, not really. Not wrerwy. It's some other doggie isn't it? Isn't it some other doggie-woggie . . . ?

. . . what the hell's your problem, dog? Don't look at me like that. Just be happy that someone, for once, is being straight with you.

Look, I'm not saying that you're not a cute dog, but most dogs are cute. You're species has been bred to be cute, that's why you're sleeping in a bed with your name on it instead of outside on the cold, hard ground. It's just that there are a lot of dogs in the world, and the probability of you being the absolute cutest is astronomical.*

And sure, I guess there's no standard of cute-ness. It's an aesthetic distinction and is, thus, inherently subjective. But I seriously doubt that even one individual human would compare you side-by-side with every single dog in the world and choose you every time as the cutest.

So there it is, deal with it. Accept your limitations, mutt, or go on believing all the BS people feed you, right along with your daily bowl of kibble. I'm not the bad guy here, I'm refusing to support some sugar-coated lie.

Tell you what, compromise: "Who's the cutest doggie that I'm talking to? Who'sa cu-test doggie that I'm talking to? Is it you? Issit you?

Yeah, it is. Good boy.

*Perfect example right there: Astro, from the Jetson's. He's cuter than you.

Friday, January 8, 2010

They can, you know.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." -George Santayana*

I've got bad news, George, I think we're condemned to repeat it anyway. Knowing what's bad for you doesn't seem to act as a deterrent, really, it just keeps you from having anyone but yourself to blame. Actually, that's not true either, you can blame someone else even when you know better.

We're a collective Bart Simpson, forever reaching for the cupcake that we know is electrified. But we don't take responsibility. We blame it all on Lisa for conducting her "Is Humanity Dumber than a Hamster?" experiment.

But we showed her! Just like Bart and his "Can Hamsters Fly Planes?" experiment, which won over the crowd even though it had no merit, we made the movie "Avatar"!*

*Coincidentally, this line is often mis-quoted and mis-attributed, meaning that the people who say it don't remember the past very well.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Dear 2010

Dear 2010,

Congratulations on coming into being! Many of us from 2009 have worked very hard at not blowing up the universe, allowing you to have this wonderful opportunity. I've been following your tentative plans for some time now and I must say you seem to be planning a number of movie and video game release dates that are of interest. However, at the same time, I see a number of overlooked items that I would like to see you address during your term as the current year. For your consideration, allow me to present my list of things that demand your attention:

-Pizzarias. Bring them back. They were delicious. There's a whole aisle at my supermarket full of stupid chip flavors that no one wants, why can't I have some made out of pizza dough?

-"The Incredibles 2" If you'll refer back to 2004's work, you'll find that it produced the best superhero film ever made at the time ( 2008's "Dark Knight" eventually surpassed it, then hung it upside down from a gargoyle). So how about a sequel? I can even provide the setup: Six years have also passed in the world of the film. Violet is now in college and apprenticed in the now-legal heroing craft. Dash is in high school feeling a bit left out as the middle child between Violet's coming-of-age and Jack-Jack's blossoming powers. Mom and Dad are fully back in their old game, now trying to manage their secret lives along with the varied needs of their kids.

-"Mushroom Kingdom Hearts" Square threw everyone a curve ball when it made "Kingdom Hearts" a Final Fantasy-style game in the world of Disney, so why hasn't Nintendo followed suit? They've got just as many worlds at their disposal: Mario, Zelda, Metroid, Donkey Kong, Star Fox*. An RPG set in those universes would be great.

- It's time we finally got a good movie version of Neil Gaiman's "Neverwhere." And, if possible, please see to it that Bob Hoskins is cast as Mr. Croupe and Vinnie Jones as Mr. Vandemar.

I look forward to seeing you address some or all of these issues. I think you'll find them all worth your while. Good luck 2010, I'll be watching.

*That reminds me: I WANT A NEW STAR FOX GAME! And not one where you run around an collect crap, one where you fly a ship and shoot things! If you need a reference for how to make that kind of game, I might suggest 1993's Star Fox!