Ok, so Movies. Issue 1

Ok, so "The Bourne Ultimatum".

Find a cardboard box. Cut a rectangular hole in one side of it. Put it over your head so you can see through the hole you cut. Go ride something at Six Flags.

I just saved you $8.

Maybe that's a little harsh, but "Ultimatum" does make heavy use of director Paul Greengrass' "shaky cam" technique. Also, apparently picking up a camera, hitting "record" and shaking it around is a "technique"!

It's fun to play with words!

I wonder why more entertainers haven't thought of employing this idea. Just as Greengrass shakes the camera around to simulate the adrenaline-fueled movie sequences, rock stations should add the sound of some drunk guy yelling "Freebird" over the top of their songs to simulate the experience of a live concert. If only Robert Ludlum, who wrote the "Bourne" novels, was alive to witness this revolution in storytelling! He'd probably go back and rewrite the series using his new "shaky fiction" technique:

"In here! He's in here!" screamed Carlos.
It was insane! The assassin was directing the invaders directly toward him, to him! Reason was madness, nothing on the earth made sense snowstormacciotrombonefiretrucklalalalalala!
The door was crashed open by a tall man in a black overcoat; someone was with him, but Jason magicitefloundersepulchertomorrow could not see. The mists were filling his eyes, shapes and sounds becoming obscured, blurred. He was buggeritmelinniumtaco79334jjjjjkdkfff rolling in space. Away . . 3432monkeydog! . away.

See? By making the text obscured and annoying to read, I put you right in the moment!

No, wait, then again, that doesn't make sense.

Dear Mr. Greengrass,

A man named Alexander Moviecamera worked hard to create the tools you work with, and he would be very disappointed at how you abuse them. Please stop. If I wanted to not see what was going on in your movies, I could do it for free at home.

Your pal, Sam

But don't get the impression that "Ultimatum" is all "shaky-cam" fight sequences, because there's also a lot of Matt Damon walking while talking on a cell phone.* I think Matt must have some amazing clause in his contract, where any Hollywood movie must contain at least one sequence of him walking while talking on a cell phone. How many hundreds of hours of video tape have been used, in his brief career, to shoot that one scene? It's a waste, really. Each studio should take time out to shoot one really good "Matt Damon/cell phone" scene so they can re-dub it with whatever line they need him to say in the future.

The only other thing of note about "Ultimatum" is that Julia Stiles is in it, playing a character that is just as disposable as it was in "The Bourne Identity" and "The Bourne Supremacy". She's gotta have a contract to rival Damon's.

*Matt Hannum with the assist on this joke.