Friday, April 2, 2010

In that old-timey radio voice

Good morning, gentlemen! Thank you for coming to the board meeting. Of course I don't know why I'm thanking you, it wasn't your choice, everyone knows that either you come to the meeting or you're fired! Speaking of which, you're all fired!

But now you're all rehired, with the exception of Johnson! Johnson get out.

*door slam*

You hear that door slam, gentlemen? That's the door slam of a man with moxy! Ruth, make a note for me to rehire Johnson!

Now then, down to brass tax! Congress just passed a new tax on brass that's killing our profits! What are we going to do about it? Gladwell!

*Gladwell opens his mouth to speak*

Too slow, Gladwell, you're fired!

*Ruth whispers something in the boss' ear*

And if you see Johnson on the way out, rehire him for me! Good job Ruth, you're promoted to Gladwell!

Smith, get a senator on the phone! No, I was talking to Dan Smith, not Gary Smith! Why do I have two people named Smith in the same meeting! That's inefficiency gentlemen! I can't fire Gary, he's got a baby on the way! And I can't fire Dan, he's calling that senator! Compromise! Gary, your last name is now Smithson!

Welcome back Johnson! I just promoted my secretary to Gladwell, so you'll be taking over her position! Go call accounting, get the forms we need to change Gary's last name!

*Smith hands over the phone*

Hello, senator! This is the boss! What are you doing about this new tax on brass? How is my company supposed to make money manufacturing brass tacks when you fat cats are passing a new brass tax every fortnight! Do you have any idea how many people I've had to fire over this thing?

What? You can't take me into account unless I modernize? My company is stuck in the last century? My executives repeat what they hear on the phone as though relaying it to an audience? That's ridiculous, Senator, we're very progressive! Why I've even got a woman in this board meeting! Who? Gladwell of course. No, the new Gladwell! Oh never mind!

*hangs up*

Gentlemen, it appears we have to get with the times to be taken seriously! In the time it took me to finish this sentence I've thought of a three point plan!

One, we'll stop shipping brass tacks by iron horse! Now we'll fly them in a Spruce Goose!

Two, we'll monetize backward overflow! Gladwell, find out what that means and implement it immediately. Call James and Donaghy, put them on the project!

Three, new product! We'll make a laptop with no keyboard, and run it on a phone OS for no reason, thereby crippling its functionality!

Meeting adjourned!*

*Johnson, these meeting notes are terrible! Why is there a gap after I fired you and promoted Ruth?

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