"Whoopie! . . . Whoopie! . . . Whoopie!"

Tower Defense (or TD) is a subset of strategy video games. Where most tactical games would have you ordering units around on a map, TD instead asks you to place different kinds of towers - then throws waves of enemies at you to see if your towers can effectively wipe them out.

The purest expression of tower defense gameplay is the free flash game Desktop Tower Defense.

The idea of laying out towers and watching them shoot at enemies, just so you can process this data and figure out even better ways to lay out towers next time, may not sound all that "fun." But if you are a person who likes machines, who's mind siezes on complex problems that need solving, who has a very "systemic" way of thnking . . . and I pause here to rephrase that as "But if you are Sam" . . . then these games represent less of a "recreation" and more of a "danger to your health and productivity."

Like Double-Stuff Mint Oreos, I often suspect that the Tower Defense genre was created by the Universe as a way to keep me, personally, in check. Like a well-placed frost tower, these games slow my progress so I can be more effectively dealt with.*

And I guess it's working, because between Savage Moon:

And "Ninjatown"

Tower Defense games seem to be about all I'm playing lately.

*I wonder if the designers who work on pedestrian malls and other public areas enjoy TD games. Seems like a similar skillset, using the environment to control a horde. I like to imagine one of these people looking a map of a shopping mall's food court and thinking "We're getting too many people bunched up at the entrance, I'll have to install some Cannon Towe . . . I mean some railings.

And before you ask, no, it's not "cold"

Does anyone really eat cole slaw?

I guess they do, sometimes. I know I've seen people put it on barbecue sandwiches. But it sure seems like a lot of restaurants include a little foam cup of the stuff with every meal, and I can't remember the last time I saw one of those cups empty, a spork wedged triumphantly into it's base.

I feel bad throwing out food, but as with the stuffing I mentioned last week, I can only recognize one version of the dish, and that's my mothers's. So unless Cane's is willing to add some little chunks of apple to the mix, I'm not going to be won over.

I think the whole inclusion of slaw with fast food meals might just be a consumer-perception thing. On one level, one more item means more for your money, never mind that some cabbage and mayonnaise didn't exactly break Long John Silver's treasure chest. On another level, cabbage is a vegetable, which gives the whole thing a much more healthy, down-home vibe. And that's a comfort when your other side dish was likely fried in the same grease as the main course.

I wonder about the people that work in those restaurants, toiling to mix up a fresh batch of cole slaw everyday. Do they sit there, grinding up all that cabbage, thinking about how many cups of it are going to be thrown out? All that hard work just so that, maybe, one guy out of twenty will take a bite or two.*

*So I guess it's kinda like making an independent film.

The Original Post

Time to play Tribond! What do these things have in common?

1. Hot-Alpha-Under

A: They're all kinds of dogs. (Hot Dog, Alpha Dog, Underdog.)

2. Invitations-Credit Cards- nouns

A: It's too good, I can't spoil it.

3. The works of Shakespeare-Japanese Horror Films-Classic rock songs

A: All things that, when a remake of it comes out, people get super-mad.

It's not an agument I've ever understood. People talk about remakes like they're going to replace the original, and you won't be able to get anything but the remake anymore. And that scenario just doesn't happen (except with Star Wars). 

It's not heracy to do your own take on a previous work, because it's not scripture to begin with.

(Please note that actual scripture has gotten plenty of remakes, many of which have been well-received.)

There's just no reason to get angry about remakes.* I mean, I think my mother's Thanksgiving stuffing is the definitive version of THAT, but you don't see me getting riled up when someone buys some Stovetop.

*Unless they cast Keanu Reeves. I'll give you that one.

Never start thinking about food late at night

I have to be hungry to attempt it, but one of my favorite meals in Athens is "El Gran Combo" at Calientito's. The place will always be known best for its "Cubano Especial," a sandwich consisting of beef, cheese, jalapenos, two scrambled eggs, some grilled slices of hot dog . . . there may be a whole other sandwich in there, somewhere, I'm not sure. Most cooking is about balancing flavor, but the Especial represents more of a juggling maneuver, where the tastes bound about in ways you didn't think possible.*

But the Gran Combo holds a unique place in my heart. It's less a "meal" and more of a "big plate of stuff."There's rice and beans (ok, conventional enough), two big thin cut pieces of steak (sounds good) both of which are hidden underneath an even larger fried egg (little weird, but I guess . . . steak and eggs are a thing, right?) with several fried plantains (WHAT.) and a slice of avocado (No.). 

And it's all delicious, the very best kind of greasy protein. But as "dinner" it's rather unassailable.

Usually, with a meal you can identify things like "the main course" and "the side dish" and "the other side dish" and you know how to manage that experience. You try a little of this one, a little of that one, then dig into the main dish before taking a drink of water and starting again.

But with the Gran Combo . . . where do you begin? I stare at the thing for a solid minute every time I order it, just trying to choose where the fork goes first. I can only compare it to trying to pick a major, or play an "open world" video game.

You are paralyzed by the options.

*It takes, on average, three visits to the restaurant before a person will order the Especial, even with strong recommendations. Once they try it, it's the only thing they get there for a least a year.

PSA PSA

All my life people have been telling me to be myself. Teachers, camp councilors, Mr. T, Audioslave, Latawnya*, the list goes on and on.

The logic behind this message is that, by asserting myself as an individual, I won't be tempted into "drinking and smoking drugs" and other such dangers. I guess that's all well and good, but now that I'm well past the age when those things were a concern, I find myself with some serious issues toward the whole "be yourself" philosophy.

Namely, what if "who you really are" is a super-crappy person?

The underlying thesis of those PSA's seems to be that everyone is good on the inside, and they only do bad things because of outside influences. 

So how does that figure in with all the terrible things that people have done? Were all those invasionary wars started because it's what all the cool kids were doing? Were history's ruthless dictators commiting atrocities because they were tricked by some older kids?

No . . . here I think GI Joe would have to concede the point.

"Kids, if being who you are is hurting other people, yourself, or generally bringing negative things into the world, how about you just go be someone else instead? Eh?Sometimes it's ok to care what other people think, if they're good, moral people."

The More You Know

*Cue Star Logo*

*Can I tell you how tempted I am to click the "I'd like to read this book on Kindle" link? 

Random Play-All

-Listening to Stevie Wonder's music can be frustrating, because for every "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" there's an "Overjoyed." (Which is to say, for every really great song he's also got the worst kind of sappy elevator track you can imagine.) And no one gets in your car when you're listening to the good ones either. No, they open the door right as Stevie's talking about "climbing the tower of your heart" or something like that.

-Has anyone noticed that lately all the sandwich places want to sell pizza, and all the pizza places want to sell sandwiches? Are these secretly warring factions, each of them overflowing with anger that someone else is charging for "bread with stuff on it."

-I love it when game designers, desperate to change up the perfectly competent zombie-shooting they've been working on, throw a logic puzzle into the mix. Does that even make sense? I'm sorry, but if I were an evil overlord, I'm not sure I'd trust my secret antidote to one of those slider puzzles that children do.*

Instead, I think I'd probably just walk down to the store, buy a metal padlock with a key, and call it good. Seems like that would keep the hero occupied a lot longer than a jumbled picture of my family crest.

-In comedy duos, such as Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, you usually have one guy who acts normal and reasonable while the other guy is all wacky. These two roles are traditionally called the "straight man" and the "comic relief."

It recently came to my attention that I'm the only person I know who's familiar with those terms, which is particularly frustrating while playing a party game that wants me to make people guess one of them.

*Of course, when I bring down a zombie-dog and find that it was carrying (CARRYING, mind you, I guess on some sort of fanny pack since dogs don't exactly have thumbs.) fourteen rounds of shotgun ammo . . . that's not a problem.

I know it's in the back of your head*

I take pleasure in answering at once and thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time my great gratification that it's faithful author is numbered among the friends of UpdatedEveryFriday:

"DEAR SAM: I am 8 years old
"Sometimes my parents say that there's no such thing as zombies.
"But my little friends say that they're real.
"Please tell me the truth; is there a threat of a zombie apocalypse?

"VIRGINIA BROOKS
"720 WEST VALVE STREET

VIRGINIA, your parents are wrong. They have been infected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds . . .either that, or their little minds are now swarming with a zombie virus, one which has perhaps evolved to invoke skepticism in its hosts.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a threat of a zombie apocalypse. It exists as certainly as machetes and chainsaws and preparedness exist, and you know that those abound and give to your life it's highest peace of mind. Alas! how slovenly would be the world if there were no threat of a zombie apocalypse! There would be no motivation to train ourselves physically and mentally, no constant reminder to appreciate each moment of our lives.

Not believe in the zombie virus! You might as well not believe in ninjas! You might get your papa to hire men to watch the streets for roaming undead, but if they did not see any roaming undead, what would that prove? And now that I think about it, that's a really good idea. If your papa has the resources, get him on this zombie squad thing, now.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men, could tear apart. And if we don't learn to see through that veil, Virginia, before the zombie apocalypse comes, we actually will be facing THE UNITED STRENGTH OF THE WORLDS STRONGEST MEN, each of them a brain-eating monster! And believe me, they will tear apart more than baby rattles.

No zombies! Oh they live, and they live forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay ten times ten thousand years from now, the will continue to stumble and groan across the ruins of our cities, unless you and I march forward to stop them. Good luck, and God help us all.

*This is a line from "Left for Dead" by Citizen Cope. "Left4Dead" is the name of a popular computer game about surviving in a zombie apocalypse. The reference is so obscure, I figured it was better just to explain it.

Before you can walk

War drums echo through the heavens as a rollup slowly crawls into infinity.

November 5, 2055

It is a dark time for humanity. No more do the cities light up as night falls across them. No more do they sparkle with the electric glow of life, still buzzing about in defiance of sunset. Now there is only the terrible tide of the zombie horde, gradually wearing away at the last testaments of mankind's existence.

But there is one hope, one last chance to make the world over. On a hilltop in Japan, the ancient order of the Ninja has emerged in this terrible hour. Here they have made a stand, beating back the undead monsters with skill, cunning, and a small army of terrifying robots they built. They are the Folded Steel clan, defenders of the flame.

Atop the clan's fortress of New Guardia, a brilliant young computer scientist has spent months in communion with the last remaining artificially intelligent supercomputer, searching for a cure to the hideous plague. And now, at last, a solution has been found-though it comes with a terrible price.

Through it's investigations into the physical world, the AI computer has invented a time travel device. With it, a single warrior could escape into the past, find the cause of the outbreak, and destroy it. The future as it is will be unmade. The noble men and women who hold back the tide of evil will have never been. The lone fighter will be abandoned forever in history.

Armed with only his spirit, his sword, a sniper rifle, and an array of cyborg enhancements, the ninja steps into the chronopult and vanishes . . .

CITIZEN KANE 2*

*Now return my calls, Warner Brothers!

A Brief History of "Your Mom" Jokes

Emporer Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?" "No your Highness," he replied, "but my father was." 

Emporer Augustus, Two-thousand years ago

Painter: "Y'are a dog."
Apemantus: "Thy mother's of my generation. What's she, if I be a dog?"

William Shakespeare, Act 1 Scene 1 of Timon of Athens, late 1500's/early 1600's

"I like yo' momma — sister, too" 

Blues artist Kokomo Arnold, "Twelves (Dirty Dozens)" Early 1930's

"Your mama don't dance and your daddy don't rock and roll"

Kenny Loggins and Jim Messina, from the song of the same title, 1972

-Ok, you're qualified for this job, how about a starting salary, $5000? "

-Yo mama! 

-Um, $7500 a year...?

-Yo GRAND-mama! 

Richard Pryor, "Saturday Night Live" sketch, 1975

"You are so stupid. It would take your mother 1, no. 2 hours to watch 60 MINUTES"*

Ron Shelton, "White Men Can't Jump," 1992

"Your mom's retarded."

"No your mom's retarded."

Some middle school kids at the Smoothie King while I was in line, 2008

*The TV show "How I Met Your Mother" made this considerably harder to research on the internet . . . "How I Met Your Mother" is hurting America.

Fort Awesome

Even the most genuinely remarkable things can become commonplace, and only when you get a moment to reflect on them do you realize how incredible they really are.

Example: Every single time I'm in an airplane, sitting as it taxi's onto the runway, I think to myself: "In a few seconds, this machine is going to suddenly fire itself along the ground at 180mph or so, and then it's going to lift off of the ground and fly!"

And I know that I'm not the only one having this sort of experience:

http://www.xkcd.com

So it's a little weird to me that I've never seen anyone else mention what, to me, seems like a very obvious revelation:

"Mount DOOM . . . really? That's what Tolkien called the big evil guy's home? Mount DOOM! That's the name he came up with. J.R.R. Tolkien, who worked out all this elaborate backstory of wars, magical objects, and songs about this thing some elves built one time, this man who essentially wrote his OWN fanfiction, he got up to the plate to pen his masterpiece and went "Eh, I'll just call it Mount Doom. That's a pretty sweet name. Cause, you know, it's a real bad place. And this way people will be able to tell."

Am I the only one who's a little thrown that Sauron, the big evil demon-overlord-whatever-the-hell-he-is-anyway, lives in a place that sounds like it was named by a Bond villian?

Quick test: Which one of these things seems out of place:

The Shire

Dimrill Dale

Ford of Bruinen

Isengard

Mount Doom

Yeah, that's what he actually went with. And they had to say it in the opening lines of the movie, and no one even snickered.

*The Onion provides the most recent example.