Friday, May 18, 2007

"Stone"-forged indeed

I imagine that somewhere in the internet there's a small, clandestine organization, one who's sole purpose is to combine popular brand names with curse words and drug references. It's the creative powerhouse that turned Microsoft into Microsux or, better yet Micro$ux.

But the organization's best work has always been in the video game field: Playstation - Gaystation, Xbox360 - Xsux Three-sh*tty, etc. Now, Nintendo tried to undercut these renamers, figuring that these flame-war arms dealers would by stumped by a crazy word like "Wii". It was a fine effort on Nintendo's part, but "Wii-tarded" was coined mere hours later.

If this group does exist, I have to believe that they have an entire division dedicated to adding the word "crack" into the name of every persistent online game. Everquest? Evercrack. Asheron's Call? Asheron's Crack. World of Warcraft? World of Warcrack. And so on.

The idea behind these combinations is solid enough. People seem to get "addicted" to online role-playing, so why not blend the games with a horrible, life-destroying drug for comedy magic?

But I've come to realize that this crack association is entirely wrong. Massively Multiplayer Online games are NOT CRACK.

They are pot.

And I can prove it.

Consider the following, plugging either "pot" or "World of Warcraft" into the blanks.

1. Your friends who are involved with ___ swear that it's non-addictive, even though it's the only thing they seem to want to do or talk about.

2. Every normal activity now has to include ___ in some way, whether it's a party, trip, dinner, funeral, etc.

3. Once someone starts with ___, he quickly gains a new group of friends that you aren't a part of. You are constantly encouraged to try ___, even if it's just so you can socialize with the group.

4. These new circles have their own set of lingo regarding ___ which no one else understands. And nothing is funnier to them than if you, God forbid, misuse some trivial piece of their dumbass terminology.

5. After some real exposure to ___ "enthusiasts", you realize that the danger of ___ is not that it's directly destructive, but that it makes people ok with the idea of sitting around all day.

6. Certain ___ people are constantly surprised that you aren't into ___, especially if you "seem like the kind of person who would be into ___".

7. Those same people always want to know your reasons for not trying ___. Your reasons are somehow never valid, and "if you'd just try ___ you'd understand."

8. There are friends that you used to have who are now too busy with ___ to ever hang out. These friends are always saying how they miss you, and wish you'd come be a part of their ___ friends so they could see you again, as though you should feel guilty that THEY chose the game over YOU.

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