Friday, September 28, 2007

A Brief List of Things People Need to Stop Saying at Work

1. "I'm a Choco-holic"

So you like chocolate. So what. We all do. Big deal.

Humanity has spoken on the chocolate issue. The chocolate die has been cast, and it came up "Delicious", and then someone ate the chocolate die, because it was made of that delicious, delicious chocolate.*

And you know what else? No you aren't. You are not a "Choco-holic". You are not addicted to chocolate the way an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol.

Has the Godiva rep in the mall ever "cut you off"? Did a group of your family and friends hold an intervention where they talked about how your Kit-Kat eating has affected them? Have you ever had a panic attack when you realized there was no more Hershey's Special Dark?

Well then that's not really the same thing, is it?

2. "Jim? Oh, hey, you're not Jim!"

I'm using "Jim" as an example, you understand. The name could be any name. My point is that people need to stop telling other people who they are not.

If you aren't familiar with this phenomenon, just go sit in Jim's office. Within twenty minutes someone will come in looking for Jim and say "Hey, you're not Jim", grinning stupidly like they just made the funniest joke in the world.

And then you'll have a choice. You could grin stupidly back and say, "No, I'm not Jim, least-not-the-last-time-I-checked!"

But in that moment of validating the unfunny comment, part of you will be gone forever. Within a week you'll be a "War at Home" viewer, an "American Idol" voter, and you will be lost.

Or you could do what I do, and pick from one of the three following responses:

b. "Jim was mauled by a cougar, you insensitive jerk! I'm here cleaning out his desk."
c. "Turns out that no one is Jim. There is no Jim and there never was. It was all a lie . . . " (Then refuse to elaborate.)

3. "It sure is cold/hot/rainy/foggy outside, huh?"

Yeah I know that. I know because I had to walk though it to get here too, and thank you for reminding me what a miserable day it is.

Why did you even say that? You aren't informing me. You aren't providing me with valuable information. You are stating as a question something that everyone here knows. What satisfaction do you get from saying obvious things and having other people nod their heads, huh? Explain it to me.

There are books you know. Lots of them. You could just read one and talk about that.

*Even though I know better, I almost always spell this word as "choclate". I think my brain sounds it out the way Sloth says it in "The Goonies", "Choc-LATE".

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