*Ahem*

Ok, I think I'm ready to begin. Good afternoon everyone, thank you for attending this lecture. You may note that I am not your regular instructor. Don't worry, you're in the right place. Today I'll be filling in for him, as he is currently locked in his office by a large, heavy padlock that I'm afraid will have to be sheared off with bolt cutters.

Don't worry, your teacher is fine, and someone is on the way to free him. Considering the reports I've heard about his general lack of teaching skill, misinformed opinions, and the fact that he's used class time to talk about a reality TV show called "The Bachelor," I honestly believe that a half hour of quiet reflection in his office couldn't hurt anything.

But now, let's move on to the material at hand!

Today's lecture is entitled:

Now, unfortunately the people who most need this lecture often cannot get a quick grasp of that, so I "texted" it to a young person, who provided me with a subtitle:

*slide 2*

In short, this lecture is a basics guide of what you'll need in order to become a worthwhile human being. Exciting, no? Let's dive right in.

*slide 3*

This simple statement will serve as the core of these lessons, so we need to really understand it. Here's a breakdown of it's core principles:

*slide 4*

Now I know what you're probably thinking, you're thinking that this isn't true, because your friends care about you, right? And they seem really impressed by what you think and do. But guess what? Everyone's friends are like that. So the lesson here is this: Don't let your limited social circle confuse you into thinking that anyone in the general public cares about anything you have to say.

Our second point can be stated thusly:

*slide 5*

Now as we go through this one, take note of how it's a direct corollary to our first point. The scenario described here is frequently of the "guy likes some girl who has no interest in him" variety. All too often some dude decides to play social "knight in shining armor" just because his crush had a fight with her roommate. Here the important things to remember:

*slide 6*

And . . . okay, yes, I'm hearing sirens outside, which means our class time is nearly up. But I definitely want to get these last couple of slides in, as they're very important.

*slide 7*

And, implicitly:

*slide 8*

This can be a tricky one. People often tie their opinions about movies, TV shows, and even food into their sense of self. Then when they encounter someone who happens to disagree, they take a simple difference of perspective as a personal attack on their judgement. Here's why that is erroneous.

*slide 9*

I believe that's all I'm going to have time for today, but please take this lecture to heart. I promise it will help you. Since I know all of you with laptops have been surfing facebook, I've made the lecture available online for your further review.

Thank you very much, and good day to you.

*But that being said, I gotta give them this one.