Friday, June 18, 2010

My Experience Watching the Sony E3 2010 Press Conference, Explained with the Medical "Pain Scale"

Oh boy, the Sony E3 Press Conference!
I'm hoping to see some cool games for
Playstation Move, some new Team ICO
content, maybe even a PSP2!

This is gonna be one heck of a show!

Okay, some 3D stuff. I don't really care
about 3D, and it costs way too much
for a 3D rig right now.

But I guess that's cool, they're trying new things.

Alright, Playstation Move time! Let's
see some titles!

A wizard game? Hmmm, looks a little
rough, but that's a good concept.
What else you got?

Oh . . . golf.

Wow, golf demo is still going huh?

I mean it's not even a new game, just
a patch for a current game. Uh huh,
you swing the thing and it moves the
other thing, we got it. Thanks.

Here we go! New game announcement!

"Heroes on the Move" So it's like a
Smash Brothers for Playstation? That's
a great ide . . . oh it's over already.

So, . . . no real details?

And what the hell was that? They trotted
out the actor from their advertising,
had him rehash the opening scene of
Patton, then showed us their new PSP
ad campaign?

Commercials? That's an announcement?!
That's what you have to show?

Little Big Planet 2 will let me make stuff.
Awesome. First of all, I already knew that.
Second, I want to play games, not make them.

And Playstation Plus? Wow. How come the only features in it that I care about seem like the kind of thing that should be built in for free?

Exclusive content for multi-platform games, huh?
Is that the new feather in your cap?

Listen. "Exclusive content" means "we signed a
a deal to keep someone else from having
this." It's not really a benefit to me, its
a punishment for someone else.

And here, "someone else" means "many of my friends."

Do I even like video games? I can't remember
anymore. There are probably better uses of my time. Maybe I should go outside . . . start Living. You know what I mean? Get myself in really goodshape, maybe go on a hike or something. That sounds nice.

Whelp, now my brain has melted. Yup. Just mush
now. Caaaaaaaaaaan't really focus. Urrrrrrrr!

If I didn't know better, I'd say they were talking
about a new Twisted Metal, but it's probably just a delusion brought on by two solid hours of watching Sony meander through the most boring
presentation of video games ever conceived.

Prediction for game of the year, 2011? The game where I bang two sticks together and laugh at the sound they make, because watching this has made me crazy.*

*But not this crazy

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