Friday, January 15, 2010


Who's the cutest dog in the world? Who'sa cu-test doggie in the world? Is it you? Izzit you? Is you the cutest doggie in the whole, wide world? Well no, not really. Not wrerwy. It's some other doggie isn't it? Isn't it some other doggie-woggie . . . ?

. . . what the hell's your problem, dog? Don't look at me like that. Just be happy that someone, for once, is being straight with you.

Look, I'm not saying that you're not a cute dog, but most dogs are cute. You're species has been bred to be cute, that's why you're sleeping in a bed with your name on it instead of outside on the cold, hard ground. It's just that there are a lot of dogs in the world, and the probability of you being the absolute cutest is astronomical.*

And sure, I guess there's no standard of cute-ness. It's an aesthetic distinction and is, thus, inherently subjective. But I seriously doubt that even one individual human would compare you side-by-side with every single dog in the world and choose you every time as the cutest.

So there it is, deal with it. Accept your limitations, mutt, or go on believing all the BS people feed you, right along with your daily bowl of kibble. I'm not the bad guy here, I'm refusing to support some sugar-coated lie.

Tell you what, compromise: "Who's the cutest doggie that I'm talking to? Who'sa cu-test doggie that I'm talking to? Is it you? Issit you?

Yeah, it is. Good boy.

*Perfect example right there: Astro, from the Jetson's. He's cuter than you.

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