Ok, fine, I guess I'll get out of bed

Ugh.

Seriously?

Seriously, backup cell phone alarm? Is this how you're going to be? Way over there on the armoire, all smug, knowing I have to get out of bed to switch you off? Why can't you be more like my regular alarm, conveniently within reach on the nightstand?

You evil little hobgoblin.

Do you even understand how many reasons there are for me to stay where I am?

1. I am tired. If I am tired, I should get to sleep. That just makes sense. I think hungry people should get to eat, is this really so different?

2. It is cold, and I'm warm. How cruel are you, asking me to get up into the cold air? It's like pouring a cup of ice water over someone.

3. Even if I do get up, I'm just going to go to work. Where I might have to do stuff. Or, if there's any justice, I'll sit around and surf the internet all day. And I can do that here! See, my netbook's right there on the floor!

But fine. FINE. I'll get out of bed, bathe myself, put on some mostly-clean clothes, and go out into the world. If that's what it's really going to take.

But you had better be careful, my little friend. Because one day I might just decide to stay here. And you know what that would mean? Eventually the power would be shut off because I won't have paid the bill, and your precious supply of fuel would be cut off forever.

Yeah, think about THAT. How long would your battery last, phone? You're on vibrate AND ring, that crap takes power!

All I have to do is figure out a way to get food to myself in bed*, and I'll be the smug one!

. . . Stupid hunger.

*"Hi, I'm calling for delivery. Yes, same address as usual, but could you ask the driver to come around to the back and pass it through the first window there? Awesome.

The Self: Part 1?

Ever since Freud came along, we've been trying to figure out just what's going on with ourselves. What makes us who we are? What gives us an understanding that we exist? What is the "self?" There are lots of perspectives on the issue, and plenty of interesting work on the matter, but we lack a single solid, practical theory.

Humanity may now rest at ease, however, as I have constructed it.

A person can be conveniently divided into two parts:

-You.

-Your BS.

Note that your BS is separate from you, but it plays a large role in who you are. Think of it as the petri dish in which "you" will grow.

"Who you are" is here defined as "how you react to your BS." There are many ways to react, but the most common are:

-Hide from.

-Medicate.

-Deal.

But keep in mind that these reactions are broad categories that can be subdivided into lots of techniques, both negative and positive. Also, a given person will often choose different reactions depending on the environment.*

But no matter the tactic, it's always about you and your BS.

*The holidays, for instance, often lead to a big spike in "medicate."

rawr?

Who's the cutest dog in the world? Who'sa cu-test doggie in the world? Is it you? Izzit you? Is you the cutest doggie in the whole, wide world? Well no, not really. Not wrerwy. It's some other doggie isn't it? Isn't it some other doggie-woggie . . . ?

. . . what the hell's your problem, dog? Don't look at me like that. Just be happy that someone, for once, is being straight with you.

Look, I'm not saying that you're not a cute dog, but most dogs are cute. You're species has been bred to be cute, that's why you're sleeping in a bed with your name on it instead of outside on the cold, hard ground. It's just that there are a lot of dogs in the world, and the probability of you being the absolute cutest is astronomical.*

And sure, I guess there's no standard of cute-ness. It's an aesthetic distinction and is, thus, inherently subjective. But I seriously doubt that even one individual human would compare you side-by-side with every single dog in the world and choose you every time as the cutest.

So there it is, deal with it. Accept your limitations, mutt, or go on believing all the BS people feed you, right along with your daily bowl of kibble. I'm not the bad guy here, I'm refusing to support some sugar-coated lie.

Tell you what, compromise: "Who's the cutest doggie that I'm talking to? Who'sa cu-test doggie that I'm talking to? Is it you? Issit you?

Yeah, it is. Good boy.

*Perfect example right there: Astro, from the Jetson's. He's cuter than you.

They can, you know.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." -George Santayana*

I've got bad news, George, I think we're condemned to repeat it anyway. Knowing what's bad for you doesn't seem to act as a deterrent, really, it just keeps you from having anyone but yourself to blame. Actually, that's not true either, you can blame someone else even when you know better.

We're a collective Bart Simpson, forever reaching for the cupcake that we know is electrified. But we don't take responsibility. We blame it all on Lisa for conducting her "Is Humanity Dumber than a Hamster?" experiment.

But we showed her! Just like Bart and his "Can Hamsters Fly Planes?" experiment, which won over the crowd even though it had no merit, we made the movie "Avatar"!*

*Coincidentally, this line is often mis-quoted and mis-attributed, meaning that the people who say it don't remember the past very well.

Dear 2010

Dear 2010,

Congratulations on coming into being! Many of us from 2009 have worked very hard at not blowing up the universe, allowing you to have this wonderful opportunity. I've been following your tentative plans for some time now and I must say you seem to be planning a number of movie and video game release dates that are of interest. However, at the same time, I see a number of overlooked items that I would like to see you address during your term as the current year. For your consideration, allow me to present my list of things that demand your attention:

-Pizzarias. Bring them back. They were delicious. There's a whole aisle at my supermarket full of stupid chip flavors that no one wants, why can't I have some made out of pizza dough?

-"The Incredibles 2" If you'll refer back to 2004's work, you'll find that it produced the best superhero film ever made at the time ( 2008's "Dark Knight" eventually surpassed it, then hung it upside down from a gargoyle). So how about a sequel? I can even provide the setup: Six years have also passed in the world of the film. Violet is now in college and apprenticed in the now-legal heroing craft. Dash is in high school feeling a bit left out as the middle child between Violet's coming-of-age and Jack-Jack's blossoming powers. Mom and Dad are fully back in their old game, now trying to manage their secret lives along with the varied needs of their kids.

-"Mushroom Kingdom Hearts" Square threw everyone a curve ball when it made "Kingdom Hearts" a Final Fantasy-style game in the world of Disney, so why hasn't Nintendo followed suit? They've got just as many worlds at their disposal: Mario, Zelda, Metroid, Donkey Kong, Star Fox*. An RPG set in those universes would be great.

- It's time we finally got a good movie version of Neil Gaiman's "Neverwhere." And, if possible, please see to it that Bob Hoskins is cast as Mr. Croupe and Vinnie Jones as Mr. Vandemar.

I look forward to seeing you address some or all of these issues. I think you'll find them all worth your while. Good luck 2010, I'll be watching.

-Sam

*That reminds me: I WANT A NEW STAR FOX GAME! And not one where you run around an collect crap, one where you fly a ship and shoot things! If you need a reference for how to make that kind of game, I might suggest 1993's Star Fox!

I DID see it.

Exactly how many years has that M&M commercial where Santa Claus faints been around? As best I can recall, it has always existed. The company has been using it as their Christmas commercial since the beginning of time, it has never not been.

Maybe the ad agency gets a little stir-crazy toward the holidays, and don't feel like coming up with anything new.

"Dear Corporate-

The only thing we've been able think of is a commercial where the candies can't think of any new ideas and decide to duck out of work early for the holidays. You should probably just use that same commercial instead.

See ya after New Years!

-The Ad team."

Or maybe that commercial is too good, and no one can top it. Like some kind of advertising zen riddle, it drives haggard creative teams year after year to try and find an idea that's just as cute, quick, and funny as what they've already got. Even now, some ambitious young ad exec is collapsed on his desk, surrounded by crumpled drafts.*

*And you just know the guy who wrote that commercial comes back every year to lord it over them.

Whooom, kssssssh!

I've always been bothered by the statement: "You have WAY too much time on your hands."*

It's a cliché that gets trotted out whenever you put time into something that has no direct commercial value, or isn't something that society arbitrarily regards as valid.

It most commonly follows phrases like:

"Check out this light saber I built!"

"I finally got a Playstation 3 platinum trophy!"

"I finished my costume for (insert your favorite fantasy/scifi/gaming con)"

But the sentiment is so common among stupid jerks that you'll hear it in all sorts of situations. I think what it really means is:

"I am not capable of doing what you did, and would like to invalidate your work to make myself feel better."

Fortunately there's an easy comeback that cuts these people to the quick:

"Yeah, I should really be spending my time watching reality tv, like you and the rest of the boring people."

*And it's a stupid comment anyway. I don't sink my time into rediculous things because I have too much time, I do it because I'm crazy.

We got movie sign!

The boundless heavens serve as a back-drop for the MAIN TITLE, followed by a ROLL-UP, which crawls into infinity.

FANTASY TRILOGY I: PART ONE: THE FIRSTING

Dude!

This is AWESOME!

I have totally always wanted to write an OPENING SCROLL for a movie!

How sweet is this? I can write whatever I want in BIG LETTERS to make it all DRAMATIC. I wonder if they'll do the STAR WARS things where the text CRAWLS INTO INFINITY!

Okay, okay. I gotta be cool here. Can't blow this cause it sets up the whole movie.

Here we go . . .

It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base . . .

Haha! No, not really. That's STAR WARS. I was just messing with you. Sorry, had to do that. Okay, for real this time . . .

The world is changed; I feel it in the water, I feel it in the earth . . .

LOL, no that's FELLOWSHIP. Oh man, I did it again. It's just so much FUN! It almost doesn't matter what you write, everything looks cool in BIG LETTERS against a star field.

Here, check this out:

War has come to the world of the setting! The dark forces of an ancient evil are amassing at the FORTRESS OF WHATEVER!*

With his dark army of basically-zombies-even-though-they're-called-something else, and his elite guard of slightly-harder-to-kill-dudes, the BAD GUY seems unstoppable.

Until . . .

One OTHER GUY, as foretold by an ANCIENT PROPHESY, emerges to fight back against the BAD GUY, and probably unite everyone or something. But first he must seek out the MINOR CHARACTERS to help him get, make, or reforge some kind of THING, like a sword or wand!

I don't know, maybe it's a MACE of DESTINY!

Will he succeed? YEAH, PROBABLY!

But it's gonna take nine more films for you to see how!

GET COMFORTABLE . . .

*I mean if you're going to name something "Mount Doom," you might as well.

(A Parody of the) Open Letter from Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg

Original Letter

It has been a great year for making the world more open and connected, allowing both pictures and videos of adorable kittens to flow freely though our culture. Thanks to your help, more than 350 million people around the world are using Facebook to share their lives online, all the while filling my pockets with some serious cash-money!

To make this possible, we have focused on giving you the tools you need to share and control your information . . . all your information, every last bit in fact, because apparently you guys have no common sense whatsoever. Starting with the very first version of Facebook five years ago, we've built tools that help you control what you share with which individuals and groups of people. We've also removed the fields we originally included as a joke, like "social security number," "combination to my safe," and "places where I am most vulnerable." Our work to improve privacy continues today, because it has to, you people are dumb enough to put almost anything on the internet.

Facebook's current privacy model revolves around "networks" — communities for your school, your company or your region. This worked well when Facebook was mostly used by students, before anybody's stupid mom joined and spoiled the party.

Over time people also asked us to add networks for companies and regions as well. Today we even have networks for some entire countries, like India and China, just in case you wanted to share something with only a very specific billion people. (While we were at it, we also created networks for Antarctica, the Moon, and Hogwarts.)

However, as Facebook has grown, some of these regional networks now have millions of members and we've concluded that this is no longer the best way for you to control your privacy. Almost 50 percent of all Facebook users are members of regional networks, so this is an important issue for us. If we can build a better system, then more than 100 million people will have even more control of their information, and they'll immediately join a facebook group protesting the addition of that control.

The plan we've come up with is to remove regional networks completely and create a simpler model for privacy control where you can set content to be available to only your friends, friends of your friends, or everyone. Of course you can already do that, so really what we're doing is removing some of your options! I guess by "simpler" what I meant was "less robust."

We're adding something that many of you have asked for — the ability to control who sees each individual piece of content you create or upload. Now you can write what ever you want into your "20 Things" post without the 'rents ever finding out about the bad stuff! In addition, we'll also be fulfilling a request made by many of you to make the privacy settings page simpler by combining some settings. If you want to read more about this, we began discussing this plan back in July. But then if you weren't smart enough to figure out a single page of privacy settings, you're probably not much of a "reader," are you?

Since this update will remove regional networks and create some new settings, in the next couple of weeks we'll ask you to review and update your privacy settings. You'll see a message that will explain the changes, which you won't read, and take you to a page where you can update your settings, which you won't do. When you're finished not doing that, we'll show you a confirmation page so you can make sure you didn't bother choosing the right settings for you. As always, once you're done you'll still be able to change your settings whenever you want, not that you'll ever bother or even think about it again.

We've worked hard to build controls that we think will be better for you, plus easier for our legal defense to hide behind. We'll suggest settings for you based on your current level of privacy, but the best way for you to find the right settings is to read through all your options and customize them for yourself, which unfortunately requires a level of motivation you don't dare aspire to. I encourage you to do this and consider who you're sharing with online, idiot.

Thanks for being a part of making Facebook what it is today*, and for helping to make the world more open and connected. I'm gonna go take a bath in some money.

Mark Zuckerberg (with some minor editing by Sam)

*A place to play Scrabble while you're in class.

Is this really so hard?

If you, while walking down the street, saw a man flailing his arms, mumbling to himself, and jerking his head around wildly, you'd likely cross the street to avoid him. And doing so wouldn't constitute some kind of bigotry on your part. No, staying away from that man is absolutely the right thing to do. The chances of him grabbing you, striking you, or attempting to lick your face are significantly higher than they are for most strangers.

Informal social rules, although they seem arbitrary when you examine them closely, do serve an important purpose. A man wearing clean clothes is communicating something to the world around him. He took the time to buy those clothes, to wash them and fold them, to put them on before he left the house. "Hello," his garments say to society at large, "I am NOT here to murder you!"

So why is it that a person's writing is not subjected to the same kind of scrutiny as their behavior on the street? Why don't we look at bad writing and see it as suspicious, too?

And I'm not talking about little stuff. If you make the occasional spelling error, forget a punctuation mark, or even make a grammatical error, that's one thing. People make mistakes, and writing is a skill that not everyone has.

But if you write a paragraph's worth of information without a single capital letter or period, all your thoughts separated by ellipses, then you need to be put on some kind of watch list. Just like a man babbling to himself incoherently, that sort of writing shows a complete disregard for any human life around the speaker. It is nothing less than the telltale sign of a broken, tattered mind.*

*See also: My work inbox.